Oh man! Itching is one of the most unbearable symptoms thus far. As much as I am trying to enjoy my 2nd trimester honeymoon period, I am plagued by a constant nagging itch.
It started with an itch in the butt after a poo-poo session. Possibly due to the hard stools, the area was bleeding and it became a biting pain that kept me awake the whole night. The itch then spread to the bikini lines, armpits and under the bust. Pimple-like bumps, that looked like inflamed in-growth hair, started to appear. Just when I think this was bad, small little sand-fly bite bumps started to appear on the inner folds of the v-area. And these small little red bumps also spread to cover my entire back. And they are really absolutely intensely insanely itchy!!!
I have seen a GP and he gave me antihistamine tablets to fight the itch. He also prescribed Pristinex, an anti-fungal cream. Both weren't of much help. I also went to my private gynae and he prescribed me with Combiderm, an anti-bacterial and anti-fungal cream that has some content of steroids. Both mentioned that rashes are common during pregnancy possibly due to the hormonal changes. As long as the discharge is clear, there is no cause for concern.
The Combiderm cream seems to help a little, but I am not supposed to use it extensively and the usage period shouldn't exceed 10 days. For safety sake, I am not applying on my back due to the sheer surface area. So I am surviving on aloe vera gel and tea tree oil for the bumps on my back.
Itching for the last 2 weeks, I have a realisation about the love-hate relationship between scratching and itching. Honestly, scratching an itch gives you the greatest satisfaction ever! But almost immediately, you are rewarded with an even itchier itch. Scratching also does nothing except expand the area of the itch. Scratching to me is like heroin to a drug addict - there is obviously detrimental, yet you cannot resist its temptation because it offers you a much-needed momentary relief and sanity. Please join me in my prayers that God will put his healing hand on me and drive away this ridiculous itch!
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Monday, 11 August 2014
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
22weeks: Symptoms of 2nd Trimester
2nd trimester is the honeymoon stage because you feel very much normal now and the baby bump is very manageable. Energy levels are back. Appetite should be restored to at least 80% or even eating more than usual. Baby bump is slowly showing and the beanie feels a lot higher (which makes you more agile).
Weight gain is also expected to increase. Because of the discomfort in 1st trimester, I lost 5kg and right now, I am still putting on those weight that I have lost. My weight gain only began to increase in week 15, possibly at about 1kg/month. Right now, it is rising at about 2-2.5kg/month.
But 2nd trimester also has its boo-boo. Constipation is a perpetual problem throughout the pregnancy. My worse experience was spending over 1hr in the toilet because it was just stuck! And now I am down with piles. It started with an itch at the a** area, and it progressed to a swell and bleeding during toilet visits. Right now, there is a constant bruised/raw cut feeling whenever I am moving or even sitting down. Truly a pain in the a**! I am definitely going to visit my family doctor for help tomorrow!
Itching is another torment. Out of the blue, I had the urge to scratch at the most obscene places - armpits, bikini line and below the bust. The itch seems to be happening at the places where the skin folds even though I have been keeping a good level of hygiene. Oh man, how I really know how my dog feels all day long. No wonder they are always roll over in bliss when you give them a good scratchy!
And there are changes to our tender bust, as they prepare for breastfeeding. Veins started appearing across my blossoms and last night, I was shocked to find small bits of glue-like dirt at the teats. Apparently it is no cause for any concern - just gently clean them off and it will be gone! *phew phew phew*
Weight gain is also expected to increase. Because of the discomfort in 1st trimester, I lost 5kg and right now, I am still putting on those weight that I have lost. My weight gain only began to increase in week 15, possibly at about 1kg/month. Right now, it is rising at about 2-2.5kg/month.
But 2nd trimester also has its boo-boo. Constipation is a perpetual problem throughout the pregnancy. My worse experience was spending over 1hr in the toilet because it was just stuck! And now I am down with piles. It started with an itch at the a** area, and it progressed to a swell and bleeding during toilet visits. Right now, there is a constant bruised/raw cut feeling whenever I am moving or even sitting down. Truly a pain in the a**! I am definitely going to visit my family doctor for help tomorrow!
Itching is another torment. Out of the blue, I had the urge to scratch at the most obscene places - armpits, bikini line and below the bust. The itch seems to be happening at the places where the skin folds even though I have been keeping a good level of hygiene. Oh man, how I really know how my dog feels all day long. No wonder they are always roll over in bliss when you give them a good scratchy!
And there are changes to our tender bust, as they prepare for breastfeeding. Veins started appearing across my blossoms and last night, I was shocked to find small bits of glue-like dirt at the teats. Apparently it is no cause for any concern - just gently clean them off and it will be gone! *phew phew phew*
Saturday, 19 July 2014
21 weeks: A scan at Dr Ananda just to be safe
Paranoia always surrounds a IVF mommy-to-be. At least, this is the case for me. Perhaps the shadow of having poor egg quality makes me particularly fearful that beanie may not grow well. Seeing repeated bleeding during my 1st trimester didn't help to allay my fears. Hearing news of sudden miscarriages among our IVF mommies group definitely added to the sadness and worry.
So, I decided to arrange an additional detailed scan at Prof Ananda office just to be doubly sure. It was a very pleasant experience, compared to my earlier scan at week 20. During my first detailed scan, the sonographer was quite detached and the room layout resulted in my hubby sitting apart from me. Somehow the engagement and intimacy wasn't there. At Prof Ananda office, he personally performed the scan and guided us through the whole process. And he was very gentle. I had an achy pain at my lower abdomen area after the earlier scan because the sonographer was pressing way too hard.
And the best news is that beanie seems to be fine on all fronts. And we had a double confirmation that she is a girl! I am gonna nick-named her 'Sparkles' for now, inspired after a IVF sister who gave me a lot of strength and inspiration throughout this journey. And I totally love the sound of the word and its meaning as well. May she grow up to be a shining and dazzling light for those around, always giving joy and illuminating with hope. May she glitter and glow in her own ways and be filled with wit and charm. May she walk in the light of God and live each day with overflowing passion and zest. I would really have named her Sparkles but my hubby wants a proper name. At least she is gonna be sparkles for now until 21 Nov.
So, I decided to arrange an additional detailed scan at Prof Ananda office just to be doubly sure. It was a very pleasant experience, compared to my earlier scan at week 20. During my first detailed scan, the sonographer was quite detached and the room layout resulted in my hubby sitting apart from me. Somehow the engagement and intimacy wasn't there. At Prof Ananda office, he personally performed the scan and guided us through the whole process. And he was very gentle. I had an achy pain at my lower abdomen area after the earlier scan because the sonographer was pressing way too hard.
And the best news is that beanie seems to be fine on all fronts. And we had a double confirmation that she is a girl! I am gonna nick-named her 'Sparkles' for now, inspired after a IVF sister who gave me a lot of strength and inspiration throughout this journey. And I totally love the sound of the word and its meaning as well. May she grow up to be a shining and dazzling light for those around, always giving joy and illuminating with hope. May she glitter and glow in her own ways and be filled with wit and charm. May she walk in the light of God and live each day with overflowing passion and zest. I would really have named her Sparkles but my hubby wants a proper name. At least she is gonna be sparkles for now until 21 Nov.
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
20weeks: Beanie is a boy or girl???
Exciting week cos it is detailed scan time! Another milestone in this pregnancy journey cos you get to see beanie for at least 30mins. Well, everything is in black and white mode, so my hubby was bored after 10mins and started to fiddle with his phone.
To him, it was possibly just black circles after black circles as each black area is an organ e.g. bladder, kidney, heart etc. Or it was just white lines after white lines, which are the different bones. But it was quite surreal for me to be able to see beanie for so long.
Can you make a guess from my symptoms?
*DRUM ROLL*
Despite the overwhelming signs of a baby boy, my beanie is a PRINCESS!
Hahaha! I realised that I have gotten used to mindset that it was gonna be a boy. But I am still very thankful and glad. It would be lovely to have a baby girl. My mom is particularly worried that I am having a girl, but it really doesn't matter to me. Whomever with an issue with beanie being a girl can always just leave us alone and not disturb us. I am totally and perfectly fine with it. As long as beanie is safe, stable, strong, healthy and happy, that is all that matters.
Time to load our shopping bags with everything that is saccharine sweet, pinky, flora, polka dots, bows, butterflies, princessy etc!
To him, it was possibly just black circles after black circles as each black area is an organ e.g. bladder, kidney, heart etc. Or it was just white lines after white lines, which are the different bones. But it was quite surreal for me to be able to see beanie for so long.
- Nausea (though no vomiting) during 1st trimester
- Bloating and lots of burping
- Oily face with many little small bumps. Occasional bouts of pimple
- Hairier at the tummy and more visible/longer hair on arms and legs
- Likes salty and sour stuff more than sweet things (though I started to like char kway teow and black carrot cake, which I used to find it oily and boring)
- Stronger pulse on the left hand (which TCM doc guessed that it was gonna be a boy)
*DRUM ROLL*
Despite the overwhelming signs of a baby boy, my beanie is a PRINCESS!
Hahaha! I realised that I have gotten used to mindset that it was gonna be a boy. But I am still very thankful and glad. It would be lovely to have a baby girl. My mom is particularly worried that I am having a girl, but it really doesn't matter to me. Whomever with an issue with beanie being a girl can always just leave us alone and not disturb us. I am totally and perfectly fine with it. As long as beanie is safe, stable, strong, healthy and happy, that is all that matters.
Time to load our shopping bags with everything that is saccharine sweet, pinky, flora, polka dots, bows, butterflies, princessy etc!
Friday, 4 July 2014
19weeks: Sometimes your mind just drives you nuts!
This week is a bad week for the SMH forum sisters. One of us had a miscarriage suddenly, without any warning or symptoms. It was really heartbreaking to read her posts and it really saddened beanie and I. Her words kept appearing in my mind and my heart just goes out to her and what she is going through. Her pain must be immeasurable and I just keep praying that she would be back on her feet really soon. Really hope that no more IVF mommies would have to lose our beanies.
Another sister is going through an uncertain and frustrating phrase, trying to make sense of what had happened at her detailed scan. Just when we all feel more confident at mid 2nd-trimester, reality hits us hard and tells us that we should constantly be careful and thankful. Life is so uncertain and fragile and sometimes we are just so helpless in our circumstances. At this point, we can only pray and put our faith in God's plans for us.
I just keep telling myself that whatever will be will be. If a miscarriage is really just round the corner, there is nothing the doctors can do or help. I will just try to enjoy the pregnancy, pray real hard for the days ahead and not get too caught up in my paranoia. Well, 2 more milestones to cross - detailed scan in mid Jul and the passing of week 24 in early Aug. Week 24 is also known as viability week where the doctors are able to save the foetus in event of any pregnancy complication.
Another sister is going through an uncertain and frustrating phrase, trying to make sense of what had happened at her detailed scan. Just when we all feel more confident at mid 2nd-trimester, reality hits us hard and tells us that we should constantly be careful and thankful. Life is so uncertain and fragile and sometimes we are just so helpless in our circumstances. At this point, we can only pray and put our faith in God's plans for us.
I just keep telling myself that whatever will be will be. If a miscarriage is really just round the corner, there is nothing the doctors can do or help. I will just try to enjoy the pregnancy, pray real hard for the days ahead and not get too caught up in my paranoia. Well, 2 more milestones to cross - detailed scan in mid Jul and the passing of week 24 in early Aug. Week 24 is also known as viability week where the doctors are able to save the foetus in event of any pregnancy complication.
Monday, 30 June 2014
18weeks: Back to work and the 2nd Trimester Symptoms
Finally back to work and feeling a little more useful. Time also passes a little faster with many chirpy colleagues around me.
In case you are wondering if the symptoms are gone, well...yes and no. Nausea comes once in a blue-er moon but it does hit you suddenly without any warning. Appetite is still at 50% but much better than 1st trimester. You do get sudden light-headedness when you are standing up because of low blood pressure. And there are the sudden pangs of pains at the lower abdominal area that totally freaks you out. Sometimes it hits you just above the joints of the legs. Sometimes it feels like stitches at the side of your lower body. The scariest moment is when you feel it below the button belly cos that is where beanie is. But all doctors will assure that it is fine as long as there is no bleeding. Oh, and there is always that dreaded backache and achy bones that always crept up to you once every 2-3 days. Thankfully, I was able to recover after a warm glass of taiwanese mother ginger, red date and longan.
I think it is habitual but I am still walking at tortoise speed. The upper tummy also feels much harder these days, possibly cos the uterus is moving up coupled with constipation that is causing a lot of gas build-up in the body. And I am starting to feel that there is something below, like a certain tightness or heaviness from beanie, the waterbag and the placenta. I guess these are all new and foreign to me so trying my best to enjoy every part of it.
In case you are wondering if the symptoms are gone, well...yes and no. Nausea comes once in a blue-er moon but it does hit you suddenly without any warning. Appetite is still at 50% but much better than 1st trimester. You do get sudden light-headedness when you are standing up because of low blood pressure. And there are the sudden pangs of pains at the lower abdominal area that totally freaks you out. Sometimes it hits you just above the joints of the legs. Sometimes it feels like stitches at the side of your lower body. The scariest moment is when you feel it below the button belly cos that is where beanie is. But all doctors will assure that it is fine as long as there is no bleeding. Oh, and there is always that dreaded backache and achy bones that always crept up to you once every 2-3 days. Thankfully, I was able to recover after a warm glass of taiwanese mother ginger, red date and longan.
I think it is habitual but I am still walking at tortoise speed. The upper tummy also feels much harder these days, possibly cos the uterus is moving up coupled with constipation that is causing a lot of gas build-up in the body. And I am starting to feel that there is something below, like a certain tightness or heaviness from beanie, the waterbag and the placenta. I guess these are all new and foreign to me so trying my best to enjoy every part of it.
Monday, 23 June 2014
17weeks: What is in a bed-rest day?
I am one of the lucky few who had to bed-rest for the first trimester. Thankfully it was not a strict bed-rest. I could bathe as usual. Just had to avoid walking and try to lie down or sit down whenever possible. Minimal movement may help with stabilising the pregnancy and prevent any trigger for another bleeding episode.
So what is in a typical bed-rest day?
My mom comes with a glass of warm goat milk mixed with brown rice powder at 7am before she heads to work. That gives me a good start for the day and I head back to sleep until my alarm rings at 930am. Being a natural lazy-bone, I continue to snooze in bed until 1030am before heading out for a full glass of water to down my multi-vitamins. Multi-vitamins must be taken at least 2hrs after any meal with calcium.
I will be back in my comfy bed to play with my phone - reading forum updates, facebook and the daily news snippets on the development of my beanie. Tummy will growl at 12pm and it is time for lunch. Back to lazing in bed for the afternoon and occasionally, I will be surfing the net if the weather is cool. Else I will be hiding in air-con comfort as I watch the repeated serials on TV. Dinner is at 630pm and it is TV time again lying on the hall sofa as I catch up on current TV serials and chit-chat with my hubby. Bathtime is typically at 10pm and I am back to hiding in air-con comfort as I prepare for bed and catch-up with different groups of friends via whatapps. By 1230am, I will be counting sheeps in my dreams and the routine re-starts.
So what is in a typical bed-rest day?
My mom comes with a glass of warm goat milk mixed with brown rice powder at 7am before she heads to work. That gives me a good start for the day and I head back to sleep until my alarm rings at 930am. Being a natural lazy-bone, I continue to snooze in bed until 1030am before heading out for a full glass of water to down my multi-vitamins. Multi-vitamins must be taken at least 2hrs after any meal with calcium.
I will be back in my comfy bed to play with my phone - reading forum updates, facebook and the daily news snippets on the development of my beanie. Tummy will growl at 12pm and it is time for lunch. Back to lazing in bed for the afternoon and occasionally, I will be surfing the net if the weather is cool. Else I will be hiding in air-con comfort as I watch the repeated serials on TV. Dinner is at 630pm and it is TV time again lying on the hall sofa as I catch up on current TV serials and chit-chat with my hubby. Bathtime is typically at 10pm and I am back to hiding in air-con comfort as I prepare for bed and catch-up with different groups of friends via whatapps. By 1230am, I will be counting sheeps in my dreams and the routine re-starts.
At times, my day passes faster with my gynae visits and TCM doctor review. Other than those limited outings, my days have been so for the last 3 months. This is the life of a couch potato tai-tai... Hahahaha! Fortunately, my parents stay with me and help me with all the housework, allowing me to fully rest and stabilise the pregnancy. That explains why I could keep my nails for this long! But this will end soon as I will be heading back to work!
Thursday, 12 June 2014
15weeks: The week where we almost lost our dad
This week we saw God's amazing grace at its peak. There were so many happenings that I don't know where to start. And this is gonna be a wordy yet drama-filled post. But all I can say is that God's plan is magnificent and you really just have to trust in him, even if it means to blindly believing that all will work out.
#1 - Developments on my dilemma
My dilemma was about my parents moving out of my house. It started as a temporary stay and an intended 2-year stay became 4 years since we didn't have a clear intent from my in-laws if they would like to come over.
We did make clear that they should shift back this year. But my first trimester was very unstable and I had hoped that my parents could stay 1 more year to take care of me until the end of my maternity leave. But my hubby decided that we should follow the original plan. I finally accepted the reality with much reluctance and tears.
#2 - Extending no pay leave until delivery
With my unstable pregnancy and bleeding, there was a possibility that I might have to bed rest until delivery. Even if I could go back to work, it was subject to available positions. Chances were slim as it would be difficult to find a 5-month vacancy since I would be on maternity leave from Nov.
I had no choice but to raise the option of my parents staying for another year. The income from renting out their house would supplement my loss of income if I extend my no-pay leave. I would also be more comfortable in their care. My hubby agreed to suss out his family's intent. Unfortunately, it remained vague but my hubby suggested that my parents could stay 6 months until my delivery.
#3 - Dilemma resolved and I am definitely a happy mommie!
Late into the night one day, my dad had a heart attack, possibly triggered by the worries and tensions within the family. Not wanting to affect beanie, my parents sneaked out of the house and took a cab to the hospital on their own. 95% of his artery was blocked and his pulse was only 20beats/min when he arrived at A&E. He was immediately whisked into operation. Only when I woke up the next morning did I learnt about what had happened.
Fortunately, my dad recovered quickly and was out of ICU within 2 days. With this heart attack episode, it was impossible for them to shift back in the upcoming months. With the timely offer that they could stay until Dec, it was just a wonderful and amazing development.
#4 - Fabulous update at doctor's visit
I also visited my gynae to find out if I was able to return to work. While the doc was unable to confirm the cause of my bleed, he assured that it was unlikely to happen outside the first trimester. The placenta was in a good position and the pregnancy looked stable. The doc also took me off my duphaston support as it was no longer needed. I have my go-ahead to return to work and I am officially off my bed rest regime!
#5 - Wonderful opportunity at work
I informed my boss of the great update from my gynae. While my boss was worried about my health, coincidentally she did have a project on hand that I could manage. The project needs to be completed by year end and it further builds on what I had been working on previously. I agreed to the offer immediately and would be returning to work very shortly.
One month ago, I would never have imagined this outcome. I was only trying my best to pray for strengthening faith in God because he would know what was best for me. And he had indeed given me a wonderful turn of events, including a scary heart attack episode. But he had kept all of us safe and sound, bringing us closer than ever. Praise and glory to him and may his blessings continue to be abundant upon us.
#1 - Developments on my dilemma
My dilemma was about my parents moving out of my house. It started as a temporary stay and an intended 2-year stay became 4 years since we didn't have a clear intent from my in-laws if they would like to come over.
We did make clear that they should shift back this year. But my first trimester was very unstable and I had hoped that my parents could stay 1 more year to take care of me until the end of my maternity leave. But my hubby decided that we should follow the original plan. I finally accepted the reality with much reluctance and tears.
#2 - Extending no pay leave until delivery
With my unstable pregnancy and bleeding, there was a possibility that I might have to bed rest until delivery. Even if I could go back to work, it was subject to available positions. Chances were slim as it would be difficult to find a 5-month vacancy since I would be on maternity leave from Nov.
I had no choice but to raise the option of my parents staying for another year. The income from renting out their house would supplement my loss of income if I extend my no-pay leave. I would also be more comfortable in their care. My hubby agreed to suss out his family's intent. Unfortunately, it remained vague but my hubby suggested that my parents could stay 6 months until my delivery.
#3 - Dilemma resolved and I am definitely a happy mommie!
Late into the night one day, my dad had a heart attack, possibly triggered by the worries and tensions within the family. Not wanting to affect beanie, my parents sneaked out of the house and took a cab to the hospital on their own. 95% of his artery was blocked and his pulse was only 20beats/min when he arrived at A&E. He was immediately whisked into operation. Only when I woke up the next morning did I learnt about what had happened.
Fortunately, my dad recovered quickly and was out of ICU within 2 days. With this heart attack episode, it was impossible for them to shift back in the upcoming months. With the timely offer that they could stay until Dec, it was just a wonderful and amazing development.
#4 - Fabulous update at doctor's visit
I also visited my gynae to find out if I was able to return to work. While the doc was unable to confirm the cause of my bleed, he assured that it was unlikely to happen outside the first trimester. The placenta was in a good position and the pregnancy looked stable. The doc also took me off my duphaston support as it was no longer needed. I have my go-ahead to return to work and I am officially off my bed rest regime!
#5 - Wonderful opportunity at work
I informed my boss of the great update from my gynae. While my boss was worried about my health, coincidentally she did have a project on hand that I could manage. The project needs to be completed by year end and it further builds on what I had been working on previously. I agreed to the offer immediately and would be returning to work very shortly.
One month ago, I would never have imagined this outcome. I was only trying my best to pray for strengthening faith in God because he would know what was best for me. And he had indeed given me a wonderful turn of events, including a scary heart attack episode. But he had kept all of us safe and sound, bringing us closer than ever. Praise and glory to him and may his blessings continue to be abundant upon us.
Thursday, 29 May 2014
14weeks: Thankful for the many 'firsts' this week
This week I was feeling courageous and we tried many 'firsts' this week. And I am so glad that beanie enjoyed the 'firsts' as well and rewarded us with no surprises. Super thankful that there were no shocks.
I guess my attempts of bribing beanie with food was working. I kept telling my beanie that if beanie was good, we would be able to go out and try many nice food. Else we could only be stuck in bed and have home-cooked food all day long. Beanie hasn't been a very big fan of home-cooked food and I hardly ate much.
#1 'first' - A high tea at Shangri-la hotel to celebrate the start of 2nd trimester
First time out of the house without my mom or hubby as chaperones. But I had company from the time I left the house until I got home and we took cab both ways. I had such a wonderful time with my buddies, chatting all afternoon over warm delicious prawn noodle soup, fruit fondue and a delectable spread of desserts.
When I am feeling better, I will try the the MRT. Until then, it is cab-chauffeured or car-chauffeured.
#2 'first' - Attending a gathering at my friends' house
Encouraged by the successful high-tea, my mom also allowed me to attend a dinner gathering at my friend's house. Chaperoned by my hubby, we had a lovely catch-up with my friends and even toured the new house. The gathering lasted way past 10pm and none of us wanted to leave even though it was a work day the next day.
#3 'first' - Hearing my TCM doc's diagnosis that beanie and I were doing well
Although I had that unfortunate bleeding gush recently, my TCM doc had been giving us good updates about beanie and I. It is really comforting and reassuring to hear good updates though I will always worry that the trend might not continue.
There are still a lot of thoughts in my head. When can I go back to work? Will my boss want me back? Are there vacancies at work for me? What if I have to rest until delivery? Will I be able to manage? I try not to dwell into it too much, praying for faith in God's plan that he will give me the best plan and show me the way.
I guess my attempts of bribing beanie with food was working. I kept telling my beanie that if beanie was good, we would be able to go out and try many nice food. Else we could only be stuck in bed and have home-cooked food all day long. Beanie hasn't been a very big fan of home-cooked food and I hardly ate much.
#1 'first' - A high tea at Shangri-la hotel to celebrate the start of 2nd trimester
First time out of the house without my mom or hubby as chaperones. But I had company from the time I left the house until I got home and we took cab both ways. I had such a wonderful time with my buddies, chatting all afternoon over warm delicious prawn noodle soup, fruit fondue and a delectable spread of desserts.
When I am feeling better, I will try the the MRT. Until then, it is cab-chauffeured or car-chauffeured.
#2 'first' - Attending a gathering at my friends' house
Encouraged by the successful high-tea, my mom also allowed me to attend a dinner gathering at my friend's house. Chaperoned by my hubby, we had a lovely catch-up with my friends and even toured the new house. The gathering lasted way past 10pm and none of us wanted to leave even though it was a work day the next day.
#3 'first' - Hearing my TCM doc's diagnosis that beanie and I were doing well
Although I had that unfortunate bleeding gush recently, my TCM doc had been giving us good updates about beanie and I. It is really comforting and reassuring to hear good updates though I will always worry that the trend might not continue.
There are still a lot of thoughts in my head. When can I go back to work? Will my boss want me back? Are there vacancies at work for me? What if I have to rest until delivery? Will I be able to manage? I try not to dwell into it too much, praying for faith in God's plan that he will give me the best plan and show me the way.
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
13weeks: Sweet Surprises at First Trimester Screening
The First Trimester Screening (FTS), also known as Oscar scan, comprises of a blood test and scan. My blood test was done at week 9 and a scan at week 13. The doc will measure the heartbeat as well as the thickness at the back of the beanie's neck to ascertain the risk ratio of beanie having Down Syndrome.
Sweet surprise #1 -
I was telling beanie that daddy would be there during the scan and asked beanie to perform some tricks. During the last scan, beanie was using the butt to knock against the water bag, bouncing up and down. But during the FTS scan, beanie was a sleepyhead. No matter how we talked to beanie or tried shifting position or coughing, beanie was happily sleeping. Just before the scan ended, beanie bounced once and we saw it. Oh my... TOTALLY HAPPY!
Here's beanie again at 13w1d, measuring 7.3mm with a heartbeat of 150. Beanie is lying on the back and facing up. Head on the right followed by the rounded little tummy!
Sweet surprise #2 -
The results of the FTS was very promising. The ratio for Down Syndrome was 1 in 7000. On the way for lunch, my hubby shared his friend had a bad ratio and they were very troubled by it. Being able to have a child was a gift from God and it didn't matter if it was a boy or girl, singleton or twins. He sounded so sincere and that conversation left a deep impression on me. I have heard him mentioned this before, but this time it felt different. It felt real.
Sweet surprise #3 -
I was hungry that night and there was no food in the kitchen. I always loved my dad's simple noodles in ketchup and lime. But he was already asleep. My hubby decided to try to cook that same dish for me. Although it was way too sour and I couldn't eat it, I was very very touched by his gesture. These are the little things that made my day and allows me to feel that the future could be a little less scary.
Sweet surprise #1 -
I was telling beanie that daddy would be there during the scan and asked beanie to perform some tricks. During the last scan, beanie was using the butt to knock against the water bag, bouncing up and down. But during the FTS scan, beanie was a sleepyhead. No matter how we talked to beanie or tried shifting position or coughing, beanie was happily sleeping. Just before the scan ended, beanie bounced once and we saw it. Oh my... TOTALLY HAPPY!
Here's beanie again at 13w1d, measuring 7.3mm with a heartbeat of 150. Beanie is lying on the back and facing up. Head on the right followed by the rounded little tummy!
The results of the FTS was very promising. The ratio for Down Syndrome was 1 in 7000. On the way for lunch, my hubby shared his friend had a bad ratio and they were very troubled by it. Being able to have a child was a gift from God and it didn't matter if it was a boy or girl, singleton or twins. He sounded so sincere and that conversation left a deep impression on me. I have heard him mentioned this before, but this time it felt different. It felt real.
Sweet surprise #3 -
I was hungry that night and there was no food in the kitchen. I always loved my dad's simple noodles in ketchup and lime. But he was already asleep. My hubby decided to try to cook that same dish for me. Although it was way too sour and I couldn't eat it, I was very very touched by his gesture. These are the little things that made my day and allows me to feel that the future could be a little less scary.
But it is still hard for me not to think about the future. It worries me everyday, but I try my best to control and hide it. I will try to distract myself by thinking about my beanie but I know that I am in denial. The storm will still come and I pray for a miracle to keep beanie safe, strong, healthy and happy.
Friday, 16 May 2014
12weeks: Warded for bleeding but beanie is ok! Praise the lord!
Week 12 started on a scary note. It happened in the middle of night amidst my sweet slumber. A full gush of blood just came out and heavily stained my liner within 3 seconds. Rushed to the 24hr clinic and was given a progesterone jab. As the bleeding was quite a lot and sudden, the doctor decided to ward me just to be safe.
The stay was quite enjoyable and I felt more assured that there were nurses and doctor by my side. An additional scan was arranged just to make sure beanie is ok. I was finally discharged after confirmation that my bleeding had stopped.
All the doctors and nurses couldn't explain why and what happened. So there is no way I can prevent or avoid it.
The next day, I went for Mother's Day lunch with my in-laws and I started to spot. We also visited my TCM doc. She also didn't have an answer, but she did mentioned that beanie was ok. Beanie's weakening trend seemed to have stopped. She will give me medicine to stop/prevent the bleeding and reduce my bloating.
Well, as long as beanie is safe. That is all that matters. And on the upside, I get to see beanie :) and here's the scan pic at 12w3d measuring 5.8cm.
The stay was quite enjoyable and I felt more assured that there were nurses and doctor by my side. An additional scan was arranged just to make sure beanie is ok. I was finally discharged after confirmation that my bleeding had stopped.
All the doctors and nurses couldn't explain why and what happened. So there is no way I can prevent or avoid it.
The next day, I went for Mother's Day lunch with my in-laws and I started to spot. We also visited my TCM doc. She also didn't have an answer, but she did mentioned that beanie was ok. Beanie's weakening trend seemed to have stopped. She will give me medicine to stop/prevent the bleeding and reduce my bloating.
Well, as long as beanie is safe. That is all that matters. And on the upside, I get to see beanie :) and here's the scan pic at 12w3d measuring 5.8cm.
Wednesday, 7 May 2014
11weeks: Beanie is getting weaker
My TCM doc shared that from my pulse, beanie seems to be deteriorating in the last 2 weeks. It seems that beanie doesn't seemed to be growing too well. This news is so disheartening and adds to my myraid of fears and worries. I tried to tell my hubby about my dark feelings but he dismissed them as my preggy hormones speaking.
I did consider going to a private gynae for another scan but I just had a session last week. And my oscar scan is in 11 days. I think I will hang in there and wait for the oscar scan. Beanie, please be strong and please be healthy. You are all I have now so please stick close and grow grow grow!
I did consider going to a private gynae for another scan but I just had a session last week. And my oscar scan is in 11 days. I think I will hang in there and wait for the oscar scan. Beanie, please be strong and please be healthy. You are all I have now so please stick close and grow grow grow!
Monday, 5 May 2014
11weeks: Are we ready to be parents?
Still waiting for my morning sickness symptoms to disappear but it is still hanging around. It is definitely not so serious but it ranges from nausea, giddiness, cramps etc.
Actually the abdominal pains are a little more worrying. I can't tell if it is cramps or bladder aching, constipation or gas pains. At times, it is pulling sensation with every step I take. Other times, it is a poking pain when I shift my posture. Just hope it gets better.
A few nights ago, I couldn't get to sleep and suddenly a lot of thoughts came to my mind. Obviously, these are troubling thoughts and I had a secret crying episode. I guess this is what it means to have your hormones going on an overdrive.
I wondered about my future with my hubby and beanie and it didn't feel good. Hubby seems to be reminding me that he is not interested in being a dad; his exact words are that he is a sperm donor. If it continues, I fear that this would be the end of our family unit cos it is hard for just one person to be holding the fort. I know he is a guy who values his personal space - just focus on his work, end the week with parties and drinking sessions and spend the weekend playing his games.
I can only pray for wisdom, guidance and peace in our marriage. Perhaps we were too hasty or wrong to have a beanie. Perhaps we really don't have what it takes to be a good parent. Or perhaps I am over-worrying and things will work out naturally. But it is tiring to feel so insecure.
Actually the abdominal pains are a little more worrying. I can't tell if it is cramps or bladder aching, constipation or gas pains. At times, it is pulling sensation with every step I take. Other times, it is a poking pain when I shift my posture. Just hope it gets better.
A few nights ago, I couldn't get to sleep and suddenly a lot of thoughts came to my mind. Obviously, these are troubling thoughts and I had a secret crying episode. I guess this is what it means to have your hormones going on an overdrive.
I wondered about my future with my hubby and beanie and it didn't feel good. Hubby seems to be reminding me that he is not interested in being a dad; his exact words are that he is a sperm donor. If it continues, I fear that this would be the end of our family unit cos it is hard for just one person to be holding the fort. I know he is a guy who values his personal space - just focus on his work, end the week with parties and drinking sessions and spend the weekend playing his games.
I can only pray for wisdom, guidance and peace in our marriage. Perhaps we were too hasty or wrong to have a beanie. Perhaps we really don't have what it takes to be a good parent. Or perhaps I am over-worrying and things will work out naturally. But it is tiring to feel so insecure.
Wednesday, 30 April 2014
10weeks: Feeling a little less emo
I think I am in denial stage. Just not thinking too much about the unhappy things. On the other hand, I had a good weekend.
Knowing that I am very picky about my food these days, my hubby decided to go to BK to get me the croissantwich breakfast burger. The next day, we also went to a nearby mall to get some essentials to help with some of the side efforts. He even made an effort to leave work on time and accompany me to an evening gynae visit. These are little things that show hubby itsy bitsy cares for beanie.
And for the 1st time, I was feeling very happy after the scan. For the 1st 2 visits, my mind was always preoccupied with the dilemma. But this time, it was really nice. I didn't have to do a vagina scan. And we saw beanie in a classic teddy bear position - lying on the side with hands and legs pointing at the screen. Beanie even moved the hand a little. And we got to hear that galloping heartbeat. The image of the teddy bear position just got imprinted in my mind. Not too sure if hubby is just as excited (though he didn't show it). Hopefully he will slowly get warmed up to beanie.
Knowing that I am very picky about my food these days, my hubby decided to go to BK to get me the croissantwich breakfast burger. The next day, we also went to a nearby mall to get some essentials to help with some of the side efforts. He even made an effort to leave work on time and accompany me to an evening gynae visit. These are little things that show hubby itsy bitsy cares for beanie.
And for the 1st time, I was feeling very happy after the scan. For the 1st 2 visits, my mind was always preoccupied with the dilemma. But this time, it was really nice. I didn't have to do a vagina scan. And we saw beanie in a classic teddy bear position - lying on the side with hands and legs pointing at the screen. Beanie even moved the hand a little. And we got to hear that galloping heartbeat. The image of the teddy bear position just got imprinted in my mind. Not too sure if hubby is just as excited (though he didn't show it). Hopefully he will slowly get warmed up to beanie.
Beanie at 6w4d
Measuring 3.7mm. He is just a small round white blop on the left of the black shadow. Black area is the water bag.
Beanie at 8w4d
Measuring 2.1cm. He looks like a little white peanut on the top of the black shadow.
Beanie at 10w3d
Measuring 3.7cm. He looks like a teddy bear. Head on the right and lying on the side. The 2 white spots (near the dotted lines) are the fists.
Friday, 25 April 2014
9weeks: Luckily Beanie is still sticking on
Praise the Lord that the scan showed that beanie is growing and sticking to me. He is 2.1mm last week and the estimated due date is postponed from 19 Nov to 21 Nov. Beanie is growing, albeit a little slower than expected.
Doc gave a progesterone jab just to be safe and duphaston is given at highest dose of 3 tablets a day. Bed rest still recommended until the next visit which is in 3 weeks.
On the emotional front - Personally, I find it amazing that I managed to remain so composed during these times. With the crazy hormones, I think things could have really go all out of hand. While I crying lesser, the angst is not any lesser. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a ticking time bomb. At times, I am feeling ok. Yet at times I find myself pretending to be fine. But I can't find that happy me back again. Perhaps not for now and the upcoming months...
Doc gave a progesterone jab just to be safe and duphaston is given at highest dose of 3 tablets a day. Bed rest still recommended until the next visit which is in 3 weeks.
On the emotional front - Personally, I find it amazing that I managed to remain so composed during these times. With the crazy hormones, I think things could have really go all out of hand. While I crying lesser, the angst is not any lesser. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a ticking time bomb. At times, I am feeling ok. Yet at times I find myself pretending to be fine. But I can't find that happy me back again. Perhaps not for now and the upcoming months...
Sunday, 20 April 2014
8weeks: I am gonna have a crybaby (if beanie is meant to be)
Week 8 is the darkest week of my life. My dilemma hit me full blown in the face. Although it is a hard choice, I held on to the hope that perhaps the interest of beanie would be the priority. After all, happy mommy means healthy beanie. Everything status quo gives beanie the best chance of survival.
But I was wrong. Although I tried to prepare myself of this outcome, I wasn't prepared that there was no empathy for beanie in the discussions. It was as if beanie was optional. Good if beanie was meant to be. Nothing lost if beanie wasn't meant to be.
It was this that killed me. The ones who wanted to protect beanie were powerless. The ones who could protect beanie were indifferent. Apart from the pain and anger, a growing sense of guilt was eating me. I hated myself for not having the courage to stand up more for my beanie. At the end of the day, I was also like one of them. I also gave up on beanie, leaving beanie to his fate.
Crying is all I can do now. I really can't help it and I also can't stop wondering... why must we take this risk? Is it worth it and appreciated? Is it a risk that I will regret or just a calculated risk? Should I stand up for beanie again and be demanding? Or should I be mature about it and go with the flow, trying to accept the changes?
I can only pray for guidance and trust in God's plan. It may not be what I wish for now, but his plans would be the best for me. But somewhere deep inside, I can't stop that small glimmer of hope - that perhaps all of us can put ourselves aside for beanie. I also pray that he will help me with my angst, sensitivity and negativity about the uncertainty. After all, no one is obligated to make this easy for me. Lastly, I pray that God will help us to be good and right parents (if he still wants to give us the gift of a beanie). Beanie really only has us to protect him and we need to work together in making the best decisions for him.
But I was wrong. Although I tried to prepare myself of this outcome, I wasn't prepared that there was no empathy for beanie in the discussions. It was as if beanie was optional. Good if beanie was meant to be. Nothing lost if beanie wasn't meant to be.
It was this that killed me. The ones who wanted to protect beanie were powerless. The ones who could protect beanie were indifferent. Apart from the pain and anger, a growing sense of guilt was eating me. I hated myself for not having the courage to stand up more for my beanie. At the end of the day, I was also like one of them. I also gave up on beanie, leaving beanie to his fate.
Crying is all I can do now. I really can't help it and I also can't stop wondering... why must we take this risk? Is it worth it and appreciated? Is it a risk that I will regret or just a calculated risk? Should I stand up for beanie again and be demanding? Or should I be mature about it and go with the flow, trying to accept the changes?
I can only pray for guidance and trust in God's plan. It may not be what I wish for now, but his plans would be the best for me. But somewhere deep inside, I can't stop that small glimmer of hope - that perhaps all of us can put ourselves aside for beanie. I also pray that he will help me with my angst, sensitivity and negativity about the uncertainty. After all, no one is obligated to make this easy for me. Lastly, I pray that God will help us to be good and right parents (if he still wants to give us the gift of a beanie). Beanie really only has us to protect him and we need to work together in making the best decisions for him.
Monday, 14 April 2014
8weeks: First trimester symptoms thus far
The symptoms are sporadic. Today, it could be strong nausea. Tomorrow could be a lot of cramping. And the next after could be bad bloating. But it seems to differ each day. Somehow, I am learning how to manage it better.
Just trying my best to survive through the symptoms. Weirdly, when I went for a pee visit in the middle of the night, I suddenly felt normal - agile and light. As if the bloating is gone, the cramping is gone and the lower abdomen feels empty and flat. Freaked me out quite a bit and the first thought was that the beanie's heartbeat is gone. I immediately said a prayer to calm myself down.
By noon today, the old familiar symptoms are back. Cramping at the lower abdomen, bloating, the bulge above the bladder, tender bust and loss of appetite. Somehow there is something reassuring about these symptoms. It makes me feel that beanie is still there. Such shallow thinking but I am glad.
Tomorrow I will be going for my next gynae visit. Hope to hear that all is well for beanie and me.
- If I am nausea, I will try to sit more and lie less. Because lying down makes you wanna puke.
- If I am cramping, I will use a hand warmer pack to keep the area warm. It seems to numb the pain
- If I am bloating, I will eat more orange peel and wear loose clothings.
- If I am having heart palpitations, I might remove my bra to relieve the pressure.
Just trying my best to survive through the symptoms. Weirdly, when I went for a pee visit in the middle of the night, I suddenly felt normal - agile and light. As if the bloating is gone, the cramping is gone and the lower abdomen feels empty and flat. Freaked me out quite a bit and the first thought was that the beanie's heartbeat is gone. I immediately said a prayer to calm myself down.
By noon today, the old familiar symptoms are back. Cramping at the lower abdomen, bloating, the bulge above the bladder, tender bust and loss of appetite. Somehow there is something reassuring about these symptoms. It makes me feel that beanie is still there. Such shallow thinking but I am glad.
Tomorrow I will be going for my next gynae visit. Hope to hear that all is well for beanie and me.
Thursday, 10 April 2014
7weeks: How is potato and the beanie?
That is what my hubby calls me now - a potato. Because I am an official licensed couch potato. After all the bleeding scares last week, I am a very obedient potato. I no longer crave to go out. I no longer feel inadequate or miserable because I am all cooped up in bed.
In fact, I am learning to be thankful for simple things. If I am nausea, I am thankful that beanie is growing. If I am not nausea, I am even more thankful that I get to enjoy a good moment (while it lasts). My happiest moment is when I visit the toilet and there are no surprises.
First trimester is really not an easy journey. Physically there are a lot of side effects. Emotionally, you can get all crazy. Mentally, it is torturing because you fear for the well-being of the beanie. Sometimes, I will wonder what did I get myself into. If you think the IVF jabs were bad, wait til you reach ER, ET and OHSS. If you think OHSS was bad, wait til you are in the 2ww which will drive you nuts. If you think 2ww was bad, wait til you reach first trimester. It is 6 times as long, with no less of the emotional and physical craziness. And the first trimester seems to be even more fragile for IVF mommies-to-be.
But a simple news will make it all worth while. My TCM doc says the beanie pulse is ok, stronger than the week before. And that's all it matters. The little tortoise (as my TCM doc describes beanie) is still hard at work, growing with all its might. Next week, we will get to see you again at the gynae. Hopefully, we will be able to make out more of you and how you look like. In the meantime, grow beanie grow =)
In fact, I am learning to be thankful for simple things. If I am nausea, I am thankful that beanie is growing. If I am not nausea, I am even more thankful that I get to enjoy a good moment (while it lasts). My happiest moment is when I visit the toilet and there are no surprises.
First trimester is really not an easy journey. Physically there are a lot of side effects. Emotionally, you can get all crazy. Mentally, it is torturing because you fear for the well-being of the beanie. Sometimes, I will wonder what did I get myself into. If you think the IVF jabs were bad, wait til you reach ER, ET and OHSS. If you think OHSS was bad, wait til you are in the 2ww which will drive you nuts. If you think 2ww was bad, wait til you reach first trimester. It is 6 times as long, with no less of the emotional and physical craziness. And the first trimester seems to be even more fragile for IVF mommies-to-be.
But a simple news will make it all worth while. My TCM doc says the beanie pulse is ok, stronger than the week before. And that's all it matters. The little tortoise (as my TCM doc describes beanie) is still hard at work, growing with all its might. Next week, we will get to see you again at the gynae. Hopefully, we will be able to make out more of you and how you look like. In the meantime, grow beanie grow =)
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
7weeks: Another vaginal scan aka another bloody scare
I was at my TCM doc for my weekly appointment. She says pulse is considered ok, not strong though. Possibly on the weaker side, but it was steady. She then explained that the baby is like the little tortoise - definitely not at the top of the race, but surely slow and steady. I guess, that is good right since the little tortoise did win the race.
I took a cab home right after. Although the cab looked relatively new, the ride felt very bouncy. And the route taken passed by some areas where they are building the new Downline Line and it was bumpy. The moment I got out of the cab, I felt a warm gush below. Another gush came even before I reached my house.
There it was, another burst of strawberry juice that flooded the liner and everything. Wiped it a few times and it refused to stop. Decided to call for a cab and head down to clinic. The doc did a vagina scan and confirmed that all was ok. She couldn't give me another jab cos I had one last Friday. She sent me home and if bleeding persists, I could come back for a jab on Friday *fingers crossed*
First trimester is definitely scary for me. Not having gone through it before made it a lot worrying and unsure. I don't know what is considered mild and what is considered serious. One thing for sure... I still dread the cramps (which seems to be quite frequent) and I definitely hate going to the toilet.
I have been praying hard. Nothing matters more than the beanie. It has been a difficult and worrying first trimester and I hope that beanie will continue to grow strong. Hope for better and happier days ahead!
I took a cab home right after. Although the cab looked relatively new, the ride felt very bouncy. And the route taken passed by some areas where they are building the new Downline Line and it was bumpy. The moment I got out of the cab, I felt a warm gush below. Another gush came even before I reached my house.
There it was, another burst of strawberry juice that flooded the liner and everything. Wiped it a few times and it refused to stop. Decided to call for a cab and head down to clinic. The doc did a vagina scan and confirmed that all was ok. She couldn't give me another jab cos I had one last Friday. She sent me home and if bleeding persists, I could come back for a jab on Friday *fingers crossed*
First trimester is definitely scary for me. Not having gone through it before made it a lot worrying and unsure. I don't know what is considered mild and what is considered serious. One thing for sure... I still dread the cramps (which seems to be quite frequent) and I definitely hate going to the toilet.
I have been praying hard. Nothing matters more than the beanie. It has been a difficult and worrying first trimester and I hope that beanie will continue to grow strong. Hope for better and happier days ahead!
Monday, 31 March 2014
6 weeks: 2 vaginal scans in 3 days and a series of strawberry visits
I had my first vagina scan on last Wed. Because of the nausea, I didn't prepare myself emotionally and mentally for the scan results. In my mind, I had always hoped for twins because I feel it will resolve my dilemma. It is my secret wish and I didn't prepare myself for the fact that it would be a single baby.
My beanie is fine and we saw the flickering heartbeat. But I was distracted and disappointed that it wasn't twins. My whole mind was about the fact that I do not have a solution to my dilemma. What I dread would have to come. That evening, my whole liner was soaked in strawberry juice. But thankfully it was just chocolate juices when I wiped.
The next morning, I was still troubled by the inevitable that would ensue. I cried non-stop, weeping uncontrollably. My mom comforted me. My best friends comforted me but I just couldn't stop crying That night, I saw strawberry juice on the toilet paper. I layed still the whole night, trying my best not to move.
I finally told my hubby in the morning that I cannot handle the dilemma anymore. Perhaps it is best for me to wash my hands out of it. I really cannot bear to think about or act on the dilemma. It just worsens my cramps. All I need to do is to try my best to be a happy mother-to-be because that is the best for beanie. I made my way to KKH 24hr clinic just to make sure that all is ok. The vaginal scan showed that beanie is growing and heartbeat is fine. This time, I was happy to see beanie and the heartbeat.
But it is still hard to keep sad thoughts out of my mind. The dilemma still troubles me because I know it is still there. I make a conscious effort not to think about it. But it decided to appear in my dreams. Once again in the morning, there was a clot of strawberry jam.
I have been on bed rest for the last few days. It took me so many days before I could bring myself to type this post. The bleeding could be caused by my emotional state and/or the vagina scan. Who knows... But I am trying my best to not think about the inevitable because it worsens my cramps. And cramps usually leads to bleeding. But I really don't know how I would be able to get over the trying times if and when it really comes.
And I also wanted to say sorry to God and my beanie, for being so mean and cruel to them. Instead of being thankful for the gift and being happy to see my beanie, I was distracted by my own thoughts and pain. I hope that they would forgive me and give me strength to face my dilemma ahead. Amen.
My beanie is fine and we saw the flickering heartbeat. But I was distracted and disappointed that it wasn't twins. My whole mind was about the fact that I do not have a solution to my dilemma. What I dread would have to come. That evening, my whole liner was soaked in strawberry juice. But thankfully it was just chocolate juices when I wiped.
The next morning, I was still troubled by the inevitable that would ensue. I cried non-stop, weeping uncontrollably. My mom comforted me. My best friends comforted me but I just couldn't stop crying That night, I saw strawberry juice on the toilet paper. I layed still the whole night, trying my best not to move.
I finally told my hubby in the morning that I cannot handle the dilemma anymore. Perhaps it is best for me to wash my hands out of it. I really cannot bear to think about or act on the dilemma. It just worsens my cramps. All I need to do is to try my best to be a happy mother-to-be because that is the best for beanie. I made my way to KKH 24hr clinic just to make sure that all is ok. The vaginal scan showed that beanie is growing and heartbeat is fine. This time, I was happy to see beanie and the heartbeat.
But it is still hard to keep sad thoughts out of my mind. The dilemma still troubles me because I know it is still there. I make a conscious effort not to think about it. But it decided to appear in my dreams. Once again in the morning, there was a clot of strawberry jam.
I have been on bed rest for the last few days. It took me so many days before I could bring myself to type this post. The bleeding could be caused by my emotional state and/or the vagina scan. Who knows... But I am trying my best to not think about the inevitable because it worsens my cramps. And cramps usually leads to bleeding. But I really don't know how I would be able to get over the trying times if and when it really comes.
And I also wanted to say sorry to God and my beanie, for being so mean and cruel to them. Instead of being thankful for the gift and being happy to see my beanie, I was distracted by my own thoughts and pain. I hope that they would forgive me and give me strength to face my dilemma ahead. Amen.
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