2dp2dt: Adding oil to fire

I am very thankful for God's grace. Last night, I could lie down. Although I couldn't sleep, but being able to lie on my side is a great luxury. I could catch 40 winks every 30mins before having to jump up to burp or gag.

But other symptoms continue to worsen and new symptoms join them. Due to the problem in peeing, it possibly resulted in a urinary tract infection.

I also started to have very bad cold sweat attacks. My whole body gets all cold and clammy and I keep perspiring. This situation could last over 90 mins?!?!?!?!

Tcm doc says it is a result of the body being weak. She can't do much for me. We just have to wait out the ohss symptoms.

Praying so frequently for comfort, strength, health and faith in this very difficult journey. Amen!

1dp2dt: Miserably 辛苦

My symptoms started like 5 days before egg retrieval - the bloating, the nausea, the achy bones, the burping, but I was still able to sleep. My tcm doc says pulse is still ok.

After egg retrieval, the symptoms worsened. I was bloating with a rock hard tummy as if I was 6 months pregnant. The cramps and abdominal pain kicked in with every step I taken.  I also had problem in peeing. I was given dostinex to help with the bloating. That helped me get some rest at night.

My tcm doc confirmed that pulse has weakened. She decided to do acupuncture to help reduce the bloating.

Blood test showed that I had mild ohss but it was ok to proceed with egg transfer. After egg transfer, all symptoms intensified!

• My tummy felt as it was trying to burst from within. I can no longer lie on my back or side or slouch. Needless to say, I hardly slept last night.
• My nausea worsened and the urge of wanting to vomit is very strong. Uncontrollably,  I keep gagging and that makes it worse.
• Occasional gastric remains since I have totally no appetite. Anything I put in my mouth worsens the bloating and nausea.
• With each step, my bloated tummy hurts together with the cramps. I was told that walking will help reduce bloating but it is between the devil and the deep blue sea.
• Achy and crispy bones add to my misery. 
• Breaking to frequent cold sweat possibly arising from the fear of the discomfort. 

I don't think it is pain. But it is a huge discomfort, utterly miserable and makes you very drained.  

My spirit seemed broken, my will is weak and my faith is challenged. I have been praying very hard and frequently for strength, comfort, faith and hope that all these symptoms will vanish and I can enjoy time with my beanies.  

Pokey Day 25: Doc review after 8 days of Lucrin + Puregon + Saizen

It was very crowded at the IVF clinic this morning.  The whole session took more than 4 hours for the scan, the doctor's visit, collection of medicine and briefing by the nurse.  The scan results seem to be good, as advised by the doctor:

• Lining - 10mm triple
• Left ovary (13 eggs) - 16, 17, 16.5, 14, 17, 12, 15.5, 15, 12.5, 14.5, 14, 9, 9.5
• Right ovary (12 eggs) - 21.5, 16.5, 14, 15.5, 15.5, 13.5, 14.5, 12, 9.5, 8.5, 6, 6

However I am starting to show some OHSS symptoms - bloated, burping, nausea, achy bones, tender bust, cramps etc.  This time, the symptoms are starting to show much earlier (as compared to my previous cycle).  Let's hope it doesn't worsen.

And it is confirmed -  trigger shot will be on Saturday and egg retrieval on Monday.  And I have stocked up my serial collection which will be my distraction during my 2ww. 

I also made a visit to my TCM doc, to help prepare for the IVF.  The pulse is ok, still strong but a little anxious.  There is little that she can do for me except to prescribe me me some medicine to get rid of gas in the body and a session of ba-guan to remove the wind. 

Pokey Day 24: Doc review after 7 days of Lucrin + Puregon + Saizen

I am losing count on the number days of pokey, but I am not immune to the pain and the fear of the jabs.  This morning, I went to the IVF clinic for the 1st scan.  Somehow I was very nervous and my heart was kinda beating fast.  Honestly, I don't know what I am worried or anxious about.  Hahaha!

Anyway, here's the result at Day 8:

• Lining - 8.9mm triple
• Left ovary (11 eggs) - 13, 12.5, 12.5, 9, 12.5, 13.5, 12.5, 15, 10.5, 9.5, 9
• Right ovary (10 eggs) - 15, 12, 13, 18, 13, 13, 11, 11, 8.5, 8.5

I was advised to come back again tomorrow morning for another scan.  We will possibly give up the largest egg so that we can harvest the medium sized ones.  If the eggs continue to grow well, egg retrieval will be on Monday.

I really hope that this time, the egg quality will significantly improve *Fingers crossed*

Pokey Day 17: Start of Phrase 2 Lucrin + Puregon + Saizen

The strawberry monster is officially here.  This morning, we added Puregon and Saizen into the jab routine, making it a total of 3 jabs every morning.  Lucrin jab on one side of the tummy and Puregon and Saizen on the other.

After the jabs, the tummy had a pulling sensation.  It is not something that handicaps you, just a bruising feeling whenever you try to exert strength.

With so many injections and my pre-existing PCOS condition, I think I am gonna have a really bad bout of OHSS.  Well, the doctor did warn me and I agreed to take the risk for the sake of getting more and better quality fertilized eggs.  Let's hope it is all worth it.

KUDOS to my personal nurse, which is nonetheless than my mother.  She has to learn how to administer the various jabs cos there is no way I can bring myself to self-inject.  Here's a brief summary of the various instructions:

1. Lucrin jabs (10units) - Provided with 32 syringes and one bottle of medicine.  Each syringe comes with an attached needle.  Just insert into the bottle, extract the needed amount of medicine and inject. 
2. Puregon (200units) - Provided with a Puregon pen, two vials of medicine and 12 needles. Insert vial and needle in the pen, set the needed measurement using the dial at the end of the pen and inject. 
3. Saizen (5units) - Provided with 4 boxes of medicine, 8 syringes, 8 big needles and 8 small needles.  Each box contains a bottle of powder and a bottle of solvent.  Attach big needle to syringe.  Use syringe to extract solvent and inject into the bottle of powder.  Stir bottle gently to mix the contents.  Use the same syringe to extract the needed amount of medicine.  Replace big needle with small needle and inject.

The Saizen injection was a little complicated and my mom was kinda confused.  Luckily the nurse was patient and understanding which helped to calm my mom down.  She did succeed eventually =)

Pokey Day 16: Review at clinic for Lucrin phrase 1

Time for our review at the IVF clinic.  I was elated to find a little strawberry jam this morning.  Never felt happier to start the day this way.  At the clinic, the scan and blood test seemed to be in order, or rather the nurses didn't advise otherwise.  The lining is at 6.6mm (which I feel was a little thin).  I guess no news is good news. 

As the strawberry jam was a little sparodic, it can't be considered a full flow. The nurse advised me to come to the clinic again tomorrow morning.  If there is a full flow, we will be starting stimulation jabs!  If it continues to trickle, it would be another week of Lucrin. 

And so, it all depends on tomorrow.

So.. How are you spending your No Pay Leave?

Actually, I don't know.  The days just whizzed past, possibly because of the festivities. Doing a rough count, these are the statistics!

• Total no. of weekdays on no-pay leave (as at 10 Feb - 38 days
• No. of weekdays I am overseas - 12 days
• No. of public holidays that fall on weekdays - 4.5 days
• No. of weekdays where I have appointments/gatherings -  14.5 days
• No. of weekdays where I am fully at home - 7 days 

But I think things are gonna change.  Most of the festive gatherings are done.  More time at home - which explains my frequent posting.  My hubby was just asking me last night on what are my KPIs for my no-pay leave.  You kidding me right, KPIs?!?!?!?! 

My No-Pay Leave KPIs
But he is right.  I did proudly proclaim that I will get some exercise into my daily routine and I have only done it once so far.  And I have to ridiculously sprain my left foot last evening.  It was just silly.  I was sitting on my sofa cross-legged and the next thing I know, there was a sharp pain on my left foot.  Now it aches with every step, and when I try to tilt my foot forward, backward and side-to-side.  So much for trying to climb some stairs today.

On a side note, I quite enjoyed the sermon yesterday.  It reminds us that we should try to be joyful.

• Rejoice during our trials because the test of our faith produces patience
• Be joyful even though we are in lack and try not to compare, envy, grumble or blame
• Remember that we may weep in the night but joy will surely come in the morning
• Run the race of life with joy and endurance

And yes, I am gonna set myself a goal to be more patient and joyful =)  Sounds simple?  I actually think that the simple things are the hardest to achieve!

Symptoms of Lucrin Phrase 1

The good news is that I don't have much side effects from the Lucrin jabs.  Occasionally I do experience some achy bones, which I would quickly down a full cup of ginger + red date + longan drink.  I don't know if it is psychologically but I feel that it helps.

From Pokey Day 8 onwards, I started to feel some tenderness and fullness of the bust.  I hope these are signs that my period is coming.  If period doesn't come by Pokey Day 15, I would have to continue with more Lucrin jabs.

Pokey Day 10 onwards, I started to feel that there is an occasional tinge of cramp, like once or twice a day.  And yes, some days the body aching just seemed to get worse, especially in the night. 

Today is Pokey Day 13.  I think there is a very high chance that the period of Lucrin jabs would need to be extended which means more bruising at the tummy.

An ode to all mothers-wannabes

I never thought much about motherhood.  To me, it is something that would come naturally when the time is ripe.  But never in my wildest dream did I realise that it could be hard.

And this is not just about me but for all those whom I have known in my IVF journey.  I have come across many women of steel.  How we continue to protect our dreams of having children despite the challenges and repeated bad news that come our way. It is as if our dreams are built on sand and the waves would just keep coming to wash them away. 

And some of us have it harder; to have succeeded and lost.  When that happens, all we can do is to accept the brutality and move on. For me, my bad news came on my birthday and I will never see my birthday in the same light again.  It is a process that you sincerely and deeply wish that it would never happen to anyone else. 

You will never know why but we must continue to put our faith in God's plan.  And we will continue to muster every bit of our body to believe that it is for the best of us.  And we know that we must not to lose hope, because it is all that we have. 

Every day, I pray for strength, I pray for faith and I pray for hope. We must continue to rebuild our sandcastles.  Maybe one day, we could bring our kids to build the real sandcastles at the beach.  Until then, we just have to find the joy of building our sandcastles on our own.