14weeks: Thankful for the many 'firsts' this week

This week I was feeling courageous and we tried many 'firsts' this week.  And I am so glad that beanie enjoyed the 'firsts' as well and rewarded us with no surprises.  Super thankful that there were no shocks.

I guess my attempts of bribing beanie with food was working.  I kept telling my beanie that if beanie was good, we would be able to go out and try many nice food.  Else we could only be stuck in bed and have home-cooked food all day long.  Beanie hasn't been a very big fan of home-cooked food and I hardly ate much.

#1 'first' - A high tea at Shangri-la hotel to celebrate the start of 2nd trimester
First time out of the house without my mom or hubby as chaperones.  But I had company from the time I left the house until I got home and we took cab both ways.  I had such a wonderful time with my buddies, chatting all afternoon over warm delicious prawn noodle soup, fruit fondue and a delectable spread of desserts.

When I am feeling better, I will try the the MRT.  Until then, it is cab-chauffeured or car-chauffeured.

#2 'first' - Attending a gathering at my friends' house 
Encouraged by the successful high-tea, my mom also allowed me to attend a dinner gathering at my friend's house.  Chaperoned by my hubby, we had a lovely catch-up with my friends and even toured the new house.  The gathering lasted way past 10pm and none of us wanted to leave even though it was a work day the next day.

#3 'first' - Hearing my TCM doc's diagnosis that beanie and I were doing well
Although I had that unfortunate bleeding gush recently, my TCM doc had been giving us good updates about beanie and I. It is really comforting and reassuring to hear good updates though I will always worry that the trend might not continue.


There are still a lot of thoughts in my head.  When can I go back to work?  Will my boss want me back?  Are there vacancies at work for me? What if I have to rest until delivery?  Will I be able to manage?  I try not to dwell into it too much, praying for faith in God's plan that he will give me the best plan and show me the way.

13weeks: Sweet Surprises at First Trimester Screening

The First Trimester Screening (FTS), also known as Oscar scan, comprises of a blood test and scan.  My blood test was done at week 9 and a scan at week 13.  The doc will measure the heartbeat as well as the thickness at the back of the beanie's neck to ascertain the risk ratio of beanie having Down Syndrome.

Sweet surprise #1 -
I was telling beanie that daddy would be there during the scan and asked beanie to perform some tricks.  During the last scan, beanie was using the butt to knock against the water bag, bouncing up and down.  But during the FTS scan, beanie was a sleepyhead.  No matter how we talked to beanie or tried shifting position or coughing, beanie was happily sleeping.  Just before the scan ended, beanie bounced once and we saw it.  Oh my... TOTALLY HAPPY!

Here's beanie again at 13w1d, measuring 7.3mm with a heartbeat of 150.  Beanie is lying on the back and facing up.  Head on the right followed by the rounded little tummy!

Sweet surprise #2 -
The results of the FTS was very promising.  The ratio for Down Syndrome was 1 in 7000.  On the way for lunch, my hubby shared his friend had a bad ratio and they were very troubled by it.  Being able to have a child was a gift from God and it didn't matter if it was a boy or girl, singleton or twins.  He sounded so sincere and that conversation left a deep impression on me.  I have heard him mentioned this before, but this time it felt different.  It felt real.

Sweet surprise #3 -
I was hungry that night and there was no food in the kitchen.  I always loved my dad's simple noodles in ketchup and lime.  But he was already asleep.  My hubby decided to try to cook that same dish for me.  Although it was way too sour and I couldn't eat it, I was very very touched by his gesture.  These are the little things that made my day and allows me to feel that the future could be a little less scary.

 

But it is still hard for me not to think about the future.  It worries me everyday, but I try my best to control and hide it.  I will try to distract myself by thinking about my beanie but I know that I am in denial.  The storm will still come and I pray for a miracle to keep beanie safe, strong, healthy and happy.

12weeks: Warded for bleeding but beanie is ok! Praise the lord!

Week 12 started on a scary note.  It happened in the middle of night amidst my sweet slumber.  A full gush of blood just came out and heavily stained my liner within 3 seconds.  Rushed to the 24hr clinic and was given a progesterone jab.  As the bleeding was quite a lot and sudden, the doctor decided to ward me just to be safe.

The stay was quite enjoyable and I felt more assured that there were nurses and doctor by my side.  An additional scan was arranged just to make sure beanie is ok.  I was finally discharged after confirmation that my bleeding had stopped.

All the doctors and nurses couldn't explain why and what happened. So there is no way I can prevent or avoid it.

The next day, I went for Mother's Day lunch with my in-laws and I started to spot.  We also visited my TCM doc.  She also didn't have an answer, but she did mentioned that beanie was ok.  Beanie's weakening trend seemed to have stopped.  She will give me medicine to stop/prevent the bleeding and reduce my bloating.

Well, as long as beanie is safe.  That is all that matters.  And on the upside, I get to see beanie :) and here's the scan pic at 12w3d measuring 5.8cm.

11weeks: Beanie is getting weaker

My TCM doc shared that from my pulse, beanie seems to be deteriorating in the last 2 weeks.  It seems that beanie doesn't seemed to be growing too well.  This news is so disheartening and adds to my myraid of fears and worries.  I tried to tell my hubby about my dark feelings but he dismissed them as my preggy hormones speaking.

I did consider going to a private gynae for another scan but I just had a session last week.  And my oscar scan is in 11 days.  I think I will hang in there and wait for the oscar scan.  Beanie, please be strong and please be healthy.  You are all I have now so please stick close and grow grow grow!

11weeks: Are we ready to be parents?

Still waiting for my morning sickness symptoms to disappear but it is still hanging around.  It is definitely not so serious but it ranges from nausea, giddiness, cramps etc.

Actually the abdominal pains are a little more worrying.  I can't tell if it is cramps or bladder aching, constipation or gas pains.  At times, it is pulling sensation with every step I take.  Other times, it is a poking pain when I shift my posture.  Just hope it gets better.

A few nights ago, I couldn't get to sleep and suddenly a lot of thoughts came to my mind.  Obviously, these are troubling thoughts and I had a secret crying episode.  I guess this is what it means to have your hormones going on an overdrive.

I wondered about my future with my hubby and beanie and it didn't feel good.  Hubby seems to be reminding me that he is not interested in being a dad; his exact words are that he is a sperm donor.  If it continues, I fear that this would be the end of our family unit cos it is hard for just one person to be holding the fort.  I know he is a guy who values his personal space - just focus on his work, end the week with parties and drinking sessions and spend the weekend playing his games.

I can only pray for wisdom, guidance and peace in our marriage.  Perhaps we were too hasty or wrong to have a beanie.  Perhaps we really don't have what it takes to be a good parent.  Or perhaps I am over-worrying and things will work out naturally.  But it is tiring to feel so insecure.