6dp3dt - Hope is transient

I woke up bright and happy to see my TCM doctor on 4dp3dt.  Relished any chance of getting out of the house, especially now that I am feeling a lot better.  She shared bad news that 胎不稳，不是很好。 It seems that the embryos are not holding up very well and she advised more rest.  She prescribed cordyceps, eucommia bark and other herbs, mainly to 按胎。

Her words kept ringing in my head non-stop.  And I was a little in shock.  Deep down, I feared the worst.  Everything seems to tell me to prepare myself for the imminent.  My OHSS symptoms have gotten better (which is supposed to worsen if implantation was successful).  I am starting to feel menstrual-like cramps.  My bust feeling a little tender which is a sign that my period is coming.

I tried to rest more, prayed more, distract myself more.  Now the days feel long again, though for a different set of reasons.  After resting for a day, I decided to throw caution to the wind and we went out the next 2 days.  At least it kept my mind busy.

Backaches seemed to have crept up on me as well and I drank a huge cup of lemongrass tea.  It usually hits the spot for me.  And I just learnt that lemongrass may induce miscarriage.  BIG oopsie for me.  I immediately contacted my TCM doc.  Well, she advised me to have black chicken soup with eucommia bark.  Honestly, I did feel a lack of support from the hospital.  On reflection, it would be good for them to have scheduled a visit during 2ww, especially when I had OHSS symptoms.  This would really have helped.

Reflecting on the last 6 days since the Egg Transfer, I find that Hope is something really transient.  Sometimes I feels that Hope is all around me, giving me strength to face the adversaries.  Yet Hope can vanish equally fast into the darkness, plunging me into the realms of my nightmare.  I am also conscious that Hope in its extreme, can blind me to all the realities and I only see what I want, ignoring the truth.  That is just me, being a little melancholic.  Or just the hormones talking.  No matter what the struggles are, I will continue grasping tightly to my hope; however tiny however small.