10weeks: Feeling a little less emo

I think I am in denial stage.  Just not thinking too much about the unhappy things.  On the other hand, I had a good weekend.

Knowing that I am very picky about my food these days, my hubby decided to go to BK to get me the croissantwich breakfast burger.  The next day, we also went to a nearby mall to get some essentials to help with some of the side efforts.  He even made an effort to leave work on time and accompany me to an evening gynae visit.  These are little things that show hubby itsy bitsy cares for beanie.

And for the 1st time, I was feeling very happy after the scan.  For the 1st 2 visits, my mind was always preoccupied with the dilemma.  But this time, it was really nice.  I didn't have to do a vagina scan.  And we saw beanie in a classic teddy bear position - lying on the side with hands and legs pointing at the screen.  Beanie even moved the hand a little.  And we got to hear that galloping heartbeat.  The image of the teddy bear position just got imprinted in my mind.  Not too sure if hubby is just as excited (though he didn't show it).  Hopefully he will slowly get warmed up to beanie.

Beanie at 6w4d 

Measuring 3.7mm.  He is just a small round white blop on the left of the black shadow.  Black area is the water bag.

Beanie at 8w4d

Measuring 2.1cm.  He looks like a little white peanut on the top of the black shadow.

Beanie at 10w3d

Measuring 3.7cm.  He looks like a teddy bear.  Head on the right and lying on the side. The 2 white spots (near the dotted lines) are the fists.

9weeks: Luckily Beanie is still sticking on

Praise the Lord that the scan showed that beanie is growing and sticking to me.  He is 2.1mm last week and the estimated due date is postponed from 19 Nov to 21 Nov.  Beanie is growing, albeit a little slower than expected.

Doc gave a progesterone jab just to be safe and duphaston is given at highest dose of 3 tablets a day.  Bed rest still recommended until the next visit which is in 3 weeks.

On the emotional front - Personally, I find it amazing that I managed to remain so composed during these times.  With the crazy hormones, I think things could have really go all out of hand.  While I crying lesser, the angst is not any lesser.  Sometimes I wonder if I am just a ticking time bomb.  At times, I am feeling ok.  Yet at times I find myself pretending to be fine.  But I can't find that happy me back again.  Perhaps not for now and the upcoming months...

8weeks: I am gonna have a crybaby (if beanie is meant to be)

Week 8 is the darkest week of my life.  My dilemma hit me full blown in the face.  Although it is a hard choice, I held on to the hope that perhaps the interest of beanie would be the priority.  After all, happy mommy means healthy beanie.  Everything status quo gives beanie the best chance of survival.

But I was wrong.  Although I tried to prepare myself of this outcome, I wasn't prepared that there was no empathy for beanie in the discussions.  It was as if beanie was optional.  Good if beanie was meant to be.  Nothing lost if beanie wasn't meant to be. 

It was this that killed me.  The ones who wanted to protect beanie were powerless.  The ones who could protect beanie were indifferent.  Apart from the pain and anger, a growing sense of guilt was eating me.  I hated myself for not having the courage to stand up more for my beanie.  At the end of the day, I was also like one of them.  I also gave up on beanie, leaving beanie to his fate.


Crying is all I can do now.  I really can't help it and I also can't stop wondering... why must we take this risk?  Is it worth it and appreciated?  Is it a risk that I will regret or just a calculated risk?  Should I stand up for beanie again and be demanding?  Or should I be mature about it and go with the flow, trying to accept the changes?

I can only pray for guidance and trust in God's plan.  It may not be what I wish for now, but his plans would be the best for me.  But somewhere deep inside, I can't stop that small glimmer of hope - that perhaps all of us can put ourselves aside for beanie.  I also pray that he will help me with my angst, sensitivity and negativity about the uncertainty.  After all, no one is obligated to make this easy for me.  Lastly, I pray that God will help us to be good and right parents (if he still wants to give us the gift of a beanie).  Beanie really only has us to protect him and we need to work together in making the best decisions for him.

8weeks: First trimester symptoms thus far

The symptoms are sporadic.  Today, it could be strong nausea.  Tomorrow could be a lot of cramping.  And the next after could be bad bloating.  But it seems to differ each day. Somehow, I am learning how to manage it better.

• If I am nausea, I will try to sit more and lie less.  Because lying down makes you wanna puke.  
• If I am cramping, I will use a hand warmer pack to keep the area warm.  It seems to numb the pain
• If I am bloating, I will eat more orange peel and wear loose clothings.
• If I am having heart palpitations, I might remove my bra to relieve the pressure.

Just trying my best to survive through the symptoms.  Weirdly, when I went for a pee visit in the middle of the night, I suddenly felt normal - agile and light.  As if the bloating is gone, the cramping is gone and the lower abdomen feels empty and flat.  Freaked me out quite a bit and the first thought was that the beanie's heartbeat is gone.  I immediately said a prayer to calm myself down.

By noon today, the old familiar symptoms are back.  Cramping at the lower abdomen, bloating, the bulge above the bladder, tender bust and loss of appetite.  Somehow there is something reassuring about these symptoms.  It makes me feel that beanie is still there.  Such shallow thinking but I am glad.

Tomorrow I will be going for my next gynae visit.  Hope to hear that all is well for beanie and me. 

7weeks: How is potato and the beanie?

That is what my hubby calls me now - a potato.  Because I am an official licensed couch potato.  After all the bleeding scares last week, I am a very obedient potato.  I no longer crave to go out.  I no longer feel inadequate or miserable because I am all cooped up in bed.

In fact, I am learning to be thankful for simple things.  If I am nausea, I am thankful that beanie is growing.  If I am not nausea, I am even more thankful that I get to enjoy a good moment (while it lasts).  My happiest moment is when I visit the toilet and there are no surprises. 

First trimester is really not an easy journey.  Physically there are a lot of side effects.  Emotionally, you can get all crazy.  Mentally, it is torturing because you fear for the well-being of the beanie.  Sometimes, I will wonder what did I get myself into.  If you think the IVF jabs were bad, wait til you reach ER, ET and OHSS.  If you think OHSS was bad, wait til you are in the 2ww which will drive you nuts.  If you think 2ww was bad, wait til you reach first trimester.  It is 6 times as long, with no less of the emotional and physical craziness.  And the first trimester seems to be even more fragile for IVF mommies-to-be.

But a simple news will make it all worth while.  My TCM doc says the beanie pulse is ok, stronger than the week before.  And that's all it matters.  The little tortoise (as my TCM doc describes beanie) is still hard at work, growing with all its might.  Next week, we will get to see you again at the gynae.  Hopefully, we will be able to make out more of you and how you look like.  In the meantime, grow beanie grow =)

Cost of my long protocol

The bill is finally here.  Because our IVF was done at a government hospital, we could use our Medisave and the government grant.  This means we possibly do not need to fork out any cash.  But it is still everyone's favourite question right?  How much is it exactly?  Here's the rough breakdown:

• Medicine (Puregon 1500unit, Saizen 50unit, Trigger Jab) - $1,735
• Follicle scanning and doctor's review (2 visits) - $780
• Egg retrieval procedures and medicine - $4,700
• Egg transfer procedures, embryo storage and utrogestan capsule 108pcs - $2,100
• TOTAL - $9,315 (Medisave deduction was $3, 025 and the remaining $6,290 from IVF grant)

So what did we pay?  Not including the prior visits to the gynae before he recommends us for IVF and the counselling and briefing since it is our 2nd try. These are the small bits:

Before/During IVF:

• Lucrin medicine - $100
• Blood tests (before starting IVF, before ET, end of 2ww) - $150

After BFP:

• Duphaston and folic acid (after BFP) - $120
• Scan and doctor's visit at 6 weeks and more medicine - $140 + $130
• 2 unexpected visits to clinic because of sudden bleeding - $110 + $110

7weeks: Another vaginal scan aka another bloody scare

I was at my TCM doc for my weekly appointment.  She says pulse is considered ok, not strong though.  Possibly on the weaker side, but it was steady.  She then explained that the baby is like the little tortoise - definitely not at the top of the race, but surely slow and steady.  I guess, that is good right since the little tortoise did win the race.

I took a cab home right after.  Although the cab looked relatively new, the ride felt very bouncy.  And the route taken passed by some areas where they are building the new Downline Line and it was bumpy.  The moment I got out of the cab, I felt a warm gush below.  Another gush came even before I reached my house.

There it was, another burst of strawberry juice that flooded the liner and everything.  Wiped it a few times and it refused to stop.  Decided to call for a cab and head down to clinic.  The doc did a vagina scan and confirmed that all was ok.  She couldn't give me another jab cos I had one last Friday.  She sent me home and if bleeding persists, I could come back for a jab on Friday *fingers crossed*

First trimester is definitely scary for me.  Not having gone through it before made it a lot worrying and unsure.  I don't know what is considered mild and what is considered serious.  One thing for sure...  I still dread the cramps (which seems to be quite frequent) and I definitely hate going to the toilet.

I have been praying hard.  Nothing matters more than the beanie.  It has been a difficult and worrying first trimester and I hope that beanie will continue to grow strong.  Hope for better and happier days ahead!