8weeks: I am gonna have a crybaby (if beanie is meant to be)

Week 8 is the darkest week of my life.  My dilemma hit me full blown in the face.  Although it is a hard choice, I held on to the hope that perhaps the interest of beanie would be the priority.  After all, happy mommy means healthy beanie.  Everything status quo gives beanie the best chance of survival.

But I was wrong.  Although I tried to prepare myself of this outcome, I wasn't prepared that there was no empathy for beanie in the discussions.  It was as if beanie was optional.  Good if beanie was meant to be.  Nothing lost if beanie wasn't meant to be. 

It was this that killed me.  The ones who wanted to protect beanie were powerless.  The ones who could protect beanie were indifferent.  Apart from the pain and anger, a growing sense of guilt was eating me.  I hated myself for not having the courage to stand up more for my beanie.  At the end of the day, I was also like one of them.  I also gave up on beanie, leaving beanie to his fate.


Crying is all I can do now.  I really can't help it and I also can't stop wondering... why must we take this risk?  Is it worth it and appreciated?  Is it a risk that I will regret or just a calculated risk?  Should I stand up for beanie again and be demanding?  Or should I be mature about it and go with the flow, trying to accept the changes?

I can only pray for guidance and trust in God's plan.  It may not be what I wish for now, but his plans would be the best for me.  But somewhere deep inside, I can't stop that small glimmer of hope - that perhaps all of us can put ourselves aside for beanie.  I also pray that he will help me with my angst, sensitivity and negativity about the uncertainty.  After all, no one is obligated to make this easy for me.  Lastly, I pray that God will help us to be good and right parents (if he still wants to give us the gift of a beanie).  Beanie really only has us to protect him and we need to work together in making the best decisions for him.