6 weeks: 2 vaginal scans in 3 days and a series of strawberry visits

I had my first vagina scan on last Wed.  Because of the nausea, I didn't prepare myself emotionally and mentally for the scan results.  In my mind, I had always hoped for twins because I feel it will resolve my dilemma.  It is my secret wish and I didn't prepare myself for the fact that it would be a single baby. 

My beanie is fine and we saw the flickering heartbeat.  But I was distracted and disappointed that it wasn't twins.  My whole mind was about the fact that I do not have a solution to my dilemma.  What I dread would have to come.  That evening, my whole liner was soaked in strawberry juice.  But thankfully it was just chocolate juices when I wiped. 

The next morning, I was still troubled by the inevitable that would ensue.  I cried non-stop, weeping uncontrollably.  My mom comforted me.  My best friends comforted me but I just couldn't stop crying  That night, I saw strawberry juice on the toilet paper.  I layed still the whole night, trying my best not to move.

I finally told my hubby in the morning that I cannot handle the dilemma anymore.  Perhaps it is best for me to wash my hands out of it.  I really cannot bear to think about or act on the dilemma.  It just worsens my cramps.  All I need to do is to try my best to be a happy mother-to-be because that is the best for beanie.  I made my way to KKH 24hr clinic just to make sure that all is ok.  The vaginal scan showed that beanie is growing and heartbeat is fine.  This time, I was happy to see beanie and the heartbeat.

But it is still hard to keep sad thoughts out of my mind.  The dilemma still troubles me because I know it is still there.  I make a conscious effort not to think about it.  But it decided to appear in my dreams.  Once again in the morning, there was a clot of strawberry jam. 

I have been on bed rest for the last few days.  It took me so many days before I could bring myself to type this post.  The bleeding could be caused by my emotional state and/or the vagina scan.  Who knows... But I am trying my best to not think about the inevitable because it worsens my cramps.  And cramps usually leads to bleeding.  But I really don't know how I would be able to get over the trying times if and when it really comes.

And I also wanted to say sorry to God and my beanie, for being so mean and cruel to them.  Instead of being thankful for the gift and being happy to see my beanie, I was distracted by my own thoughts and pain.  I hope that they would forgive me and give me strength to face my dilemma ahead.  Amen.