11dp3dt: Spotting strawberry juice, praying for faith

Most people would agree that the 2ww period is a roller-coaster ride.  To me, I think it is a roller-coaster in pitch darkness.  Because you really don't know what is at the next turn. Is it a sharp corner, a sudden downward drop, an accelerated surge or light at the end of the tunnel?

I was groping in the dark initially because of the OHSS syndrome - not knowing when it will end.  I sought solace in God (after a lapse of many years) and he gave me peace.  My faith was shaken shortly at 4dp3dt when my TCM doc told me that my pulse was not giving good vibes.  I prayed harder and restored my faith in him.  My faith did not dent even when my TCM doc said my condition has worsened on 8dp3dt.

But I took a plunge again on 9dp3dt when I saw strands of chocolate fudge after a visit to the toilet.  I prayed again and felt strong once more.  I read that brown discharge and spotting was quite common during 2ww.  It doesn't mean anything.  Even when chocolate fudge became strawberry juice the next day, I was calm; proud of my belief in God.  As it was too early for a blood test, the hospital gave me duphaston for additional progesterone support.  It is not the end yet.

This morning, I saw my first blood clot.  Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, I fell even deeper.  The first thought was that it was my embryo and I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head.  I kept praying for faith, for miracle, for peace, for hope.  While I am feeling better now, slowly regaining my faith again, there is still that little voice that tells me to prepare for the worst.

Am I afraid of a BPN?  Not really, but my tears flow every time I imagine the disappointment on the faces of my loved ones.  But I will hold strong, together with the hopes of my parents and my hubby, that there is still hope.  And I will do my best for my embryos.  I still have time, before my blood test in 5 days' time. Also, it is July now, the month we celebrate my birthday, my hubby's birthday and my daddy's birthday.  I am sure God will answer our prayers and is preparing our birthday surprises.  Let's hold on to hope together and be stronger together.  I must not let that little voice get into my head.