We are all humans, not superheroes. We just try our best that's all, but we are also not perfect. It is not like I am always positive and hopeful. I will also face a myriad of feelings, and that was especially poignant today.
This morning I went for my blood test and the results of my superman baby versus the strawberry monster (aka bleeding) is that it is a STALEMATE. The HCG levels have dropped slightly but my baby is still in the game. It is not the end yet! He is still fighting and holding on.
In the late afternoon, I started to feel the sudden release of clots of strawberry jam. Previously I just see it in the liner or when I wipe. Now I can feel it. This means the clot of jam is getting big - at least 1inch in diameter each time. In about 6 hours, I have felt at least 7 clots.
What are the kind of feelings that surrounded me today? I would say, it is really a bit of everything.
THANKFUL - I was very thankful to hear that my baby is really a fighter. He is still hanging on to me. He must really like us and would really wants to come to this world. His tenacity is truly admirable. I also feel that he will make it. Because God was the one who gave him life and he will not take it away from him so quickly.
ANGRY - The clots of strawberry jam really hit me hard. I felt angry why God would give life to my embryo and yet take him away from me. I even had thoughts that God was punishing me - giving me miracles twice in a week and taking it away from me now. But I also came to realise - no one told me my baby is gone. I just assumed. Why did I release my anger on God?
CHEATED - I had very clear plans. If IVF is positive, we would do this. If IVF was negative, we would do that. And I thought the answer will be clearly revealed before 11 July. But why am I in a grey area? Why didn't God give me a definite answer? End of the day, I also realised that those were my plans. Those were not God's plan for me. As much as I don't like it, it is his plan for me.
GUILT-RIDDEN - I felt bad that my IVF plans had affected many people - my hopeful parents, my patient hubby, my understanding colleagues (who now have to cover my duties for me until further notice). All of them have to deal with the uncertainty. And especially for my loved ones, they may to deal with the fragility of these miracles. That it is a bubble which may burst anytime.
This journey is longer than I had expected and it is taking a toil on me, the baby and everyone as well. But I will continue to pray for faith, for strength, for miracles and for hope. Because everything is really in God's hand, whatever his plans for me.
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