Started on Nor-E - 14 Dec 13

Ms Scarlett finally came for a visit on Friday!  Made the call to the clinic and was told to collect the Nor-E medicine by 4.30pm on Saturday!

Happily reached at 2.30pm only to find that the clinic and pharmacy had closed.  *Horrified Look* Oh my, the nurse had given me wrong instructions.  And she actually called me back on the same day to remind me to collect the Nor-E medicine by 4.30pm the next day.  I was almost going to bring on my bitch mode.

Luckily, another nurse was very helpful and that helped to control the temper.  I was told that since I have the prescption, I was able to collect the medicine at the emergency pharmacy.  Well, the pharmacist wasn't of much help and couldn't even answer some simple questions e.g.

• Must the medicine be eaten at the fixed time every day? 
• Can we still try naturally because we read that Nor-E is also a contraception?
• How long does it take for the period to come after stopping Nor-E?

Well, she was quite clueless about it.  In fact, she turned around to ask me why I am eating Nor-E since Ms Scarlett is visiting.  *Palm Face* 

Based on my own calculations: if Ms Scarlett reports 1 week after stopping Nor-E, it will hit right into CNY.  That would be utterly disastrous!  Anyway, there is nothing I can do except to continue eating my Nor-E for 21 days.  Finger and toes crossed that Ms Scarlett would report at a strategic time which is 2-5 days after stopping Nor-E or anything after 9 days after stopping Nor-E.  That would be the most ideal! 

Succumbed to the travel bug

After much dilemma, I succumbed to the travel bug.  Gonna burn a hole in my pocket, but I am throwing caution to the wind.  Since Ms Scarlett is not here, it gives me ample time to go for a 2-week holidays!  We are going both Taipei and Hong Kong in early Jan.  Works out perfectly because I like Hong Kong and  hubby likes Taipei!  And we LOVE winter!

Anyway, it is our 6th year wedding anniversary so it's my treat for hubby.  Mr Hubby won't go traveling unless it is sponsored (in his attempt to stop me from going on a holiday).  Obviously, he failed and we couldn't resist Cathay Pacific offer of S$500/pax for both countries.  To save money, we are going to try to rent an apartment in Taipei instead of a hotel stay.  I think it is gonna be an experience.  For HK, we would be staying in a hotel because I really want to have a king size bed. Most HK apartments only come with a queen bed.

And Yippeee, there is always that constant little constant voice in my head that we might just strike it lucky.  Well, everything has its timing.  I will try not to stress about it and put the trust in my lord.  He has his plans for me and his timing will always be perfect.  Just can't wait for the trip!  *giggle giggle*

To travel or not to travel?

Nopers, I am not preggies.  I am still awaiting the arrival of Ms Scarlett.  She is almost like a snotty princess who cannot be under any stress.  Once there is stress, she goes all mad and unpredictable.  Anyway, I can only start Nor-E medication when she visits. Counting the days, we would only start injections in end Jan.  This means that I have a small window to travel in early Jan, and the urge is super overwhelming! PS: I love to visit cold places and now is the season!

But I have a dilemma whether to travel in Jan:

• If IVF succeeds, traveling is out of the cards for me for a year, so this Jan window is very dear to me. It could be the only time I could travel this year.
• If IVF fails, I do want a trip to cheer myself up and that would mean 2 trips in a span of 3 months.  This would be very dear for my pockets since I am on no-pay leave.

 Oh gosh, to travel or not to travel???

Cherries are back!

I am so glad that this is the last week of November!  These few months have been totally hectic!  5 out of 7 projects are completed with 2 more projects this week!  Honestly, it is really a miracle that I survived this period and accomplished what I had to do.  It is through such stormy times that you see abundance grace and blessings =)

Can't wait for the smiley days, which are coming soon! And the cherries are back again!  The season is back!  They look so lovely and fresh with their green little stalks.

I am less than 1 month away from my no pay leave and having mixed feelings about it.  Sad that I am leaving my team.  Excited that I can finally take a break and focus on doing things that I like.  Tempted to go for holidays.  Worried that I would lose touch with friends and colleagues.  Well, one step at a time.

Anyway, the most important thing now is to await for Ms Scarlett.  Without her arrival, the IVF plans cannot start!  Hurry hurry come!

Starting Nor-E in end Nov

Oh dear, I think there are spider webs in my blog. Hahaha, afterall it has been such a long time since my last update. Definitely no bandwidth to post more research as I have been bogged down with work. Clearing emails every evening and catching up on backlog on weekends are common routines.

Ms Scarlett has not been visiting regularly again. Her last visit was in Aug. She really doesn't fancy Mr Stress. Whenever Mr Stress is in the house, she refuses to visit. Well, I would have completed 2 out of 7 key events by today. Before event 3 knocks on my door, there is a 2-week runway. From my past patterns, I can almost predict that Ms Scarlett would come knocking tonight or tomorrow *Fingers crossed*

I also visited my IVF doc to tell him the news of my no-pay leave. He is very supportive and we would be preparing for the long protocol this time. The IVF clinic has also scheduled me to start in end Nov. If all things are on schedule, I would start Nor-E for 21 days in end Nov. Ms Scarlett would visit in end Dec and I would start injections 3rd week in Jan. Now I am really looking forward to my no-pay leave. I know it doesn't guarantee a successful IVF cycle, but I really think it would help =)

My W-Friends - Work and Worry

It seems to be a long time since my last post as I have been superbly busy.  My no-pay leave is officially approved, but I don't have the capacity to think about that yet.  It is just about work, work and more work. 

Pulse is deteriorating, which is expected as I have been having disturbed sleep.  I dream about work, think about work as I commute and even jolt up from sleep because of work. 

These few weeks had been unsettling because of some developments in my husband's workplace.  Initially, I kept thinking of the possible scenarios and how it would affect our plans e.g. IVF cycles, my work etc. Things are still fluid but now I am getting slightly immune to the uncertainty, worry and anxiety.

Honestly, I think I worry too much, but I just can't chase this old-friend out. 

Bye to Cherries, Hi to Beetroot!

My TCM doc has advised me to eat cherries to help with my health condition.  I do really hope that it will help with egg quality.  Even if it doesn't, it is a good source of anti-aging nutrients and anti-oxidants =P

But alas, my regular fruit seller announced that the cherry season was over!  Sad, cos I have grown quite attached to having cherries every other day.

So I had to asked my TCM doc, 'what else can I eat in place of cherries?'.  The answer? Beetroot!  I would truly preferred cherries over beetroot, but no choice.  Beetroot it shall be.  Anything that can help my health and fertility - I will gobble it down with gusto!

In case anyone is following my diet, so no more cherries for us.  It is going to be apple + beetroot + carrot drink twice a week.  And always finish your drink within 30mins!

Getting back to SMH one day!

I have been very busy at work.  Updates to this blog is also getting slower.  Today, my connection to the office email is down and I had the time to click around the SMH sisters' blogs and read their updates.

I realised that I have not gone into the SMH since my failed IVF.  It then struck me that I actually lacked the courage to go in.  I feared to read about the pain of the sisters who failed.  I feared feeling the inevitable heartache when I see BFP news.  Unknowingly, I had isolated myself in a cocoon, with my blog as the only channel to express my IVF thoughts.

But I do hope, that one day I would be able to re-join the SMH group - with a rekindled spirit to walk alongside the many sisters in this IVF journey. 

My Post IVF diet

My pulse had been weak since the start of the IVF injections in late June.  There were no known reasons - could have been the stress leading to the 3-week absence from work, or the effects of the injections on my health.  The pulse continued to worsen, especially after the failed pregnancy arising from a poor quality embryo.

It took me 7 weeks before my pulse showed signs of recovery.  One of the most common questions was what did I do to get my pulse back on track.  Again, there is no scientific evidence to this.  But I thought sharing this might help others, in one way or another:

1. Having black chicken herbal soup every alternate day (for the first 5 weeks) and subsequently twice a week
2. Having red dates, dang gui and longan drink every day (for the first 5 weeks) and subsequently every alternate day
3. Having chinese herbal medicine prescribed by my TCM doctor twice a day 
4. Having cherries every 2-3 days 
5. Having organic soy isoflavones pills every night
6. Wearing long-sleeved tops and long-pants for the whole day for the first 5 weeks
7. Avoiding iced drinks and cooling food e.g. melons, white-coloured vegetables such as radish, white cabbage, bean sprouts etc
8. Making a conscious effort to reduce worrying and anxiety e.g. through prayers and deep breathing etc.  I do have a phone apps for checking of heart rate.  Interestingly, it is about 80beats per minute when I am heading to work, 90beats per minute when I am at work and 70beats per minute after work.
9. Going to gym once a week about 4 weeks ago.  The routine consisted about 10mins of brisk-walking and 4 types of simple weights exercises (squats, lunges, chest press, sit-ups etc)
10. Arranged for 2 extended weekends so that I could get more rest and stay away from work.

Interestingly, after each of the extended weekends, my TCM doctor diagnosed more obvious improvements in my pulse. In any case, my pulse is starting to show an itsy bitsy power.  If the trend continues, my TCM doctor would be allowing us to continue our plans to try for a baby.  Right now, it is still on hold as the body needs to recover.

Give Thanks! No-pay leave likely approved!

I have been very troubled on how to broach my request for no-pay leave again.  I did bring up this casually when my boss was discussing the offer for me to move to a new department as part of the upcoming merging/restructuring in my organisation.  The general flow then was that I should be able to manage that portfolio while trying IVF.  

In the next few weeks, I did seriously consider if I could balance both work and IVF but my body was telling me otherwise.  Over the long National Day holidays, I left my laptop in the office and my pulse improved.  Last week, I took a couple of days leave for a short weekend getaway and my TCM doc said my pulse was actually gaining power. I have been seeing her for over a year and this is the first time she said my pulse had power.

I did wish that I could be there to give my 120% at the new portfolio but I know that would mean I would eventually and inevitably delay my IVF plans further. Yet I felt guilty that I am leaving such a great team behind, especially in such uncertain times of need. 

I prayed again and again, but I just didn't have the courage to talk to my boss.  There were so many times when I was loitering outside the door but just couldn't bring myself to step in.  There was once I finally knocked, but my boss was too busy to see me.  Sometimes I even wish that maybe I would conceive naturally during this period and I would not need to bring up the topic.

But God answers prayers in the most miraculous manner.  My boss proactively SMS-ed me one day that we should talk about my no-pay leave.  I gave it a wild try and asked for half year no-pay, knowing the full risks that I would have to accept whatever vacancies available at the point of my return.  It was unexpected but I received full support and understanding from my boss.  Best news ever!  I really hope that this period of rest would really help to heal my body and boost the chances of my IVF.  

For now til then, I will be giving my 200% at work to return the kindness and support from my boss and organisation. 

YEAH! A small milestone

My pulse had been weak since Egg Transfer and it was just going downhill.  I visit my TCM doc about 1-2 times a week.  Each time my heart just sinks hearing that the pulse was weaker or it is not improving.  I know I have not been taking good care of my health, always letting work take priority over it especially in the initial weeks when I came back to work.

Finally after 7 weeks, she finally said, 'it is getting better - almost normal now'.  I was totally elated, couldn't resist telling my friends, colleagues and hubby.  I even asked her to repeat herself so that I can hear it one more time.  Well, it is not in normal, super strong and healthy range.  But at least it is no longer weak.

Tomorrow I will be seeing her again for my weekly review.  Hopefully the pulse continues to be strong.  But I had a very hectic weekend because of work.  And I started exercising which is giving me a lot of aches and pain.  Fingers crossed!

Rumoured Fertility Superfood Part 2 - CoQ10

I read somewhere that CoQ10 is the spark plug of the body.  Just as the spark plug helps to ignite the engine and get the car running, CoQ10 (which is found in mitochondria) plays the key role in producing energy for our body.  As we age after our mid-20s, the level of CoQ10 starts its inevitable decline and so does our ability to absorb it.

Benefits of CoQ10
My eyes lit up when I saw mitochondria because that is the battery pack of the cells in our body and more importantly, the egg embryo.  The egg needs mitochondria to grow and multiply in the first week before implantation.  However, the initial research of the benefits of CoQ10 did not mention anything on fertility.  Instead, its benefits are prevention of hypertension, supporting of cancer treatment, source of antioxidant against aging etc.  The strongest research seem to indicate the usefulness of CoQ10 in lowering blood pressure.  Other benefits are still research in progress.

There were mentions that CoQ10 lowers blood sugar level, which is good news for those with PCOS.  If all else fails, you can count on CoQ10 to help with your beauty regime as the antioxidants within CoQ10 can withstand and reverse skin damage, preserve the collagen and elastin within your skin cells to make you appear younger.

CoQ10 supplements and CoQ10-rich food
As Coq10 is not a natural herb but a scientifically made health supplement, there may be side effects such as nausea, vomiting, heartburn, diarrhea, appetite loss, insomnia, headache, dizziness, irritability, fatigue and flu-like ailments. Thankfully, according to the research, the symptoms are generally rather mild and short lasting.

Alternatively, you can consider including Coq10 rich food in your diet - pork heart, beef heart, liver, kidney etc.  Do not fry them as CoQ10 are lost during the process, so boiling is still the best cooking method.  However, getting all the CoQ10 needed from food presents challenges because of the relatively low amounts available even in foods with the highest content values.

Finally decided - Applying for No Pay Leave

Sorry for the long lapse.  It has been a whirlwind week for me, but at least there is sunshine after the storm.  My hubby was suddenly offered an overseas posting.  We had to battle intensely what was in for us and how this would fit into our plans.  In the meantime, workload was getting very heavy and I was totally emboiled in it.

A few things made me realise the way forward.  I really need to get away from work.  I really love my work, I do.  Sometimes I do drag my feet to work, but I feel it is a meaningful job and I always end up giving it my 120%.  But I am starting to see that it is at the expense of my health.  How do I know?  My hubby berated me on 3 incidents in the last 3 weeks:

1. Week 1 - Went back to work despite a lot of objections
   Doc informed that it was a failed pregnancy and would give me MC to manage my emotions and get over the heavy period flow.  I decided to go back to work (against the advice of a lot of people) and did a straight 14-hour shift cos I know manpower was needed in the office.  
2. Week 2 - Mind and body subconsciously and totally overwhelmed by work
   Received an urgent assignment on Friday night, with a deadline on Saturday evening.  I planned out the workflow til 1am and intended to wake up at 9am the next day.  Instead, I automatically jumped out of bed at 7am.  My body just couldn't sleep - it was subconsciously and totally overwhelmed by work.  And honestly, I am the kind of creature who sleeps til mid-afternoon on weekends.
3. Week 3 - Chose work over my health
   TCM doc instructed mini-confinement rules which involved taking extra care of my health.  It was pouring one morning and my cardigan, dress and hair were wet/damp by the time I reached the MRT.  My body will ache very very badly as long as I let my hair dry normally on my shoulders. I knew it was a killer for me to get into the air-con train with damp clothes/hair.  I knew that I really should go home, get a warm bath and dry myself.  But my colleagues and I were needed in a meeting and I decided not to let them down.  As expected, my body ached like hell that night and I had to see my TCM doc the next day.  It wasn't the aches that mattered.  Instead, what made my heart sank was hearing from the TCM doc that my body had weakened. 

My hubby made it clear to me.  You can never detach yourself from work.  This is you and your sense of responsibility.  It is not easy since you are used to giving your all at work.  With that in mind, you will never be able to prioritise family planning as #1 and allow yourself to be just an average performer.  It was the 2nd time that he spoke seriously to me on this and reiterated his commitment to tighten his belt and support me financially. 

The overseas posting offered was not what we had in mind and the opportunity cost didn't justify the move.  But he was seriously considering to accept the overseas posting just so that I could get away from my work.  It finally dawned on me that he was right - so we are staying put and I am going to make an appeal for no pay leave.  Not an easy decision, lots of internal battling and turmoil - but hope that everything will pan out well eventually.

Poor egg quality - what does it mean?

I read an analogy somewhere - that our pool of eggs is like an apple.  When we are young, the egg pool is like a fresh apple - white and juicy.  As the apple is being exposed to air over a period of time,  it would start to brown and we have less edible white areas.  Similar, as we age, the number of good quality eggs would decrease in the pool.  In my case, I may be 33 years old but my body is growing rusty and aging faster than my real age.

From my research, there seems to be 2 things that we need to know about egg quality when it comes to IVF: mitochondria and chromosomes.

Mitochondria - the battery pack for the embryo
Good eggs supposedly have high levels of mitochondria.  Upon fertilisation, the cells in the embryo needs to divide and multiply and that needs energy.  Mitochondria provides the embryo with the energy to grow, especially in the first week from fertilization to successful implantation.

Poor quality eggs basically have battery packs that are flat or half-full.  I had 9 eggs that were fertilised through ICSI but 5 did not develop further.  Their battery packs were possibly empty. 

Chromosomes - the soul of the embryo
If there are abnormalities in the chromosomes, the egg would not be able to develop properly. Out of the remaining 4 eggs that grew, 2 had abnormalities in the chromosomes.

That only leaves me with 2 eggs - 1 of which was growing well while the other had a half-pack battery pack. 

So, back to the analogy of the apple, there is no way to reverse and make the apple all white and fresh again.  Similarly, there are currently no proven ways to improve egg quality.  But this doesn't mean that all hope is lost.  There are still edible white areas, just much lesser.  We could try to slow down the 'browning of the apple' by taking better care of our health.  Will share in later posts on my findings.

Review with TCM Doc

I am very thankful to my TCM doc throughout the 1st IVF journey because she was really there for me.  I could check with her whenever there was pain or worrying symptom e.g. gastric attacks, spotting etc.  She was just a phone call away.  Even if it was her day-off, I could email her and she would reply me.

When I shared the diagnosis that poor egg quality was a possible cause for the failed IVF, her immediate reaction was a frown.  Yes, it was indeed true that there are no western medication that can help egg quality.  Were there any chinese remedies then?  I didn't ask this most important question.  But I am guessing, yes there are things we could try since there is no harm trying.  I spent an hour with her and these are some of the things we discussed:

• Would growth hormones work? - Medically it is not proven.  Growth hormones are largely predominant in young children during their formative years, which is the time when our eggs are being formed and nourished.  With the growth hormone injections, it is trying to bring our body back to our formative years and hopefully help produce better eggs. 
• Would royal jelly work? - Not in the TCM point of view.  It is more for beauty purposes rather than something that supports fertility.  Instead, my TCM doc prescribed me with 3 months' supply of organic soy isoflavones.  She says this may be more helpful.
• What are soy isoflavones? - They are compounds in soybean and soyfoods with a chemical structure that is very similar to estrogen.  However, according to some internet research, these isoflavones choose the tissues it binds to.  This means that  isoflavones may mimic the effects of estrogen in some tissues and yet blocks the effects of estrogen in other tissues.
• What about CoQ10 and DHEA? - These are short-form of some western medicine, so my TCM doc wasn't too sure.  I would need to check what they are in chinese before she could give me more advice.  But my IVF doc did say that I should avoid DHEA as it may also increase egg quantity.  In my case, this would mean higher risk for OHSS which is undesirable.
• I had a failed pregnancy and went back to work the next day, is that ok? - The IVF doc confirmed that in the technical term, I did not suffer a miscarriage, as it was in the early stages where there was no sac or foetus.  But in TCM perspective, I did miscarriage and should have a mini confinement.
• What is a mini confinement? - Take red date + longan + ginger drink in place of water.  Stay covered up with long-sleeve tops and pants.  Avoid walking too much.  Continue my daily/alternate day dose of black chicken soup with generous amounts of eucommia bark.
• Can I start exercising?  Yes, but stay covered up and cool down in natural settings (without aircon/fan).  Bath after the perspiration has stopped and evaporated.
• So what are the plans ahead? - Let the body recover.  Baby dance with a rubber mask for the next 2-3 months, as the body would not be able to handle another pregnancy in the short term.
• Should I quit my job when doing the next IVF? - My TCM doc usually will not advise patients to resign.  Instead, she advised me to get to the root of the problem.  It is about priorities.  If having a baby is your priority, you have to be prepared to reduce your work commitments.  You have to be prepared to say no to tasks and assignments if it compromises the interest of your family plans.  It is not about changing jobs.

Coincidentally I saw a quote from my friends' facebook -
If everyone is happy with you, then surely you have made many compromises in my life.

Perhaps, as I consider my work arrangements, it is also time to re-examine my priorities and pray for courage to stay true to those priorities.

IVF review with Doc - Poor egg quality

I had expected a quick 5-minute session with my IVF doctor, which was the usual length of our visits with him.  It isn't that he doesn't care, it is just that time is a very rare gem that he can only sparingly provide to his patients.  As it was a Saturday and his appointments for the morning had overrun past the usual working hours, I was already prepared that it was going to be a 2-minute session.

But we had a surprisingly long session.  Humans are, by nature, a very instinctive breed of creatures - we can never guess when happiness will fall upon us, but we can always sense when sadness is round the corner.

And when your doctor speaks in a nice and cautious tone, it usually bodes bad news.  So here it goes: I had just experienced a biochemical pregnancy during my 1st IVF where the embryo had implanted but did not grow or implant further.  This is usually a result of poor egg quality. And so my questions starts:

• Can we improve egg quality? - Medically, no.  Poor egg quality is a common medical condition in patients with PCOS and there is nothing scientifically proven to help egg quality.  Doc suggested including growth hormones in the next IVF cycle, but the results vary according to individuals.  At best, growth hormones would offer us a ray of hope; something we could try but with no guarantees. 
• Can royal jelly and coq10 help? - Medically, no. There is no evidence to support claims that these health supplements improve egg quality.  It is the same case as having brazil nuts to aid implantation.  But people do try them because there is no harm in trying.
• I had early bleeding (from day 9).  Can this be prevented? - No.  The progesterone support provided is usually sufficient.  Any additional support will not help the embryo to grow better or faster.  If bleeding occurs, the body is showing signs that the embryo is not of good quality and is trying to expel it from the body.
• Can I prevent OHSS? - No.  If I had OHSS in my first cycle, it is very likely that I will have OHSS during the next cycle.  If I really want to avoid OHSS, I could consider reducing my dosage (which is already quite low), but it results in less eggs.  With lesser eggs and my poor egg quality, I may end up with no good embryos.
• Would having isotonic drinks and eating egg whites reduce the OHSS symptoms? - No.  OHSS cannot be treated, neither can the symptoms be reduced.  The only treatment is time - the body will eventually flush the fluids out of the body.  Drinking isotonic drinks or increasing protein level are not meant to help the symptoms, rather they are needed to replace the electrolytes and protein lost because of the OHSS.   
• So there is nothing I can do about OHSS? - Itsy bitsy yes (FINALLY!).  With the experience from the first IVF that I had gastric attacks, gastric medicine or panadol could be provided to relieve the pain.  But nothing can be done about feeling bloated, pukey, giddy etc.  

So what is next?  Well, don't be stressed and rest more, relax and have an open mind.  The body needs to recuperate, so there is no need to rush into the next cycle.  Doc says he has seen enough cases where couples do conceive naturally.  He has prescribed me with 3 months of clomid at maximum dose of 3 tablets/day with the next appointment in 3 months' time.  In the meantime, I am going to research on egg quality so keep a look out for more posts on it.

Work and IVF - Can they co-exist?

It is a question that has been in my mind. Why this question?  Because I am wondering if I should go for another round of IVF.  My buddy asked me what was holding me back?

• Was it money? - It wasn't the biggest stumbling block.  With the government subsidies, we practically don't have to fork out any cash if we were to have the IVF done in public hospitals.  We might have to tighten our belts more with only 1 source of income, but it should be something manageable for a short period of time.
• Was it the fear of the whole procedures? - An itsy bitsy yes, but not the main factor.  As many of us can attest, we are more than willing to go through the pain and emotional roller-coaster again.
• Was it the fear of another failed IVF? - No, at this moment, this is not even on my mind.  To me, each try is a hope and a chance. 
• So what was it? - It was work commitments.  How to achieve fairness to the organisation and the teammates, how to arrange for leave again and make time for it without majorly affecting work projects, how to broach the topic to the office again and seek some form of understanding/arrangement etc.

My deepest dilemma - Can women really be able to continue working while going through rounds of IVF.  Honestly, I was really complacent during my 1st round of IVF.  I really thought we would be successful at 1st try.  After all, the doctor said IVF is a very suitable approach for people with PCOS.  My husband's health is good and I am below 35 years old.  Never crossed my mind that I would have to do another round.

So now, I am seriously thinking, with a little longer term perspective.  What if I would need more rounds?  Should I continue to pace it amidst work commitments, and be stretched emotionally and physically on both ends?  Would this kind of stress affect the chance of the IVF?  Should I take the bold step of resigning and focusing on IVF plans?  If IVF plans really succeed, then the bigger question is who would hire a preggie person?

What are your thoughts on this?  The good thing is it is not something that I have to decide today or tomorrow or next month.  Hopefully, the path would become clearer soon.

When I hear baby bump news...

I used to be more affected when I hear news of friends' pregnancy.  Being human, it does take a bit more effort to smile and congratulate them.  It is not that I am not happy for them, just that the news tend to make me question once again why my baby journey is harder than most people.

After much effort, I managed to truly congratulate my friends.  I psyched myself to prepare for life without kids; to focus on the benefits of not having kids.  I could sleep late.  I could party the night away.  I could go on holidays whenever I wish.  I could eat sashimi and get drunk on ice cold coke.  I could play mahjong all night.  If a kid comes by, then it is a bonus.  If not, I will just enjoy this freedom while it last. 

But after this IVF journey, the pain of hearing pregnancy news seemed to have come back.  I guess this is an inevitable dilemma.  From psyching myself to focus on the freedom of having no kids to wishing with all my might that we are going to have a family, I now need to re-find my footing again.

This time, I guess it could be easier.  It is not about changing perspectives, not about seeing the cup as half empty or have full.  It is about putting faith and trust in God and his plans, whatever it may be.  It is about accepting whatever plans he has for me.

Sounds easy?  Well, yes and no.  You will always envy the pastures on the other side.  But there is always the power of prayers.  And as long as my loved ones remain happy and healthy, nothing else matters.

The Aftermath Feelings

It has been 24hours since I heard the news of failed pregnancy from the doctor.  Even my closest buddy was concerned and called me just to make sure I wasn't putting up a front so that everyone around me feels better.  But this time, I am really ok and I am thankful for that.

I think the plus point of going through this experience is that I have allowed God to come in a little more to help me heal my heart.  So this time, I am not acting fine.  I think I really am fine.  And honestly, I had given this IVF my best effort and because of that, I am able to move on quicker than expected.

I think it also helped that I have stopped asking why for a long time.  I had experienced some difficult times when growing up.  Through repeated incidents, I had learnt that asking why doesn't give me answers.  I am not sure if I am ready to re-open my heart to those who have hurt me, unless I am sure they won't trample on it.  But at least this is a start.

If you ask me now, I am possibly more bothered by the fact that my hubby was out partying 2 days in a row.  Hahaha!  But it was his birthday and he had been 'barred' from partying for 3 weeks.  But what can I say - I have no control over that boy and he has been such a sweet soul.

Adieu for now, at least about IVF.  I will update on other stuff again, and of course the results of the post review with my IVF doc on 20 Jul!

17dp3dt: The results - BFN or BFP?

Yesterday we went to see the doc and he confirmed that with no increase in the HCG level, the baby has stopped growing.  So the result is considered as a BFP but it is also a failed pregnancy. In my case, the quality of embryo is likely to be not good, resulting in the lack of growth.

Unconvinced as there is still HCG level in my blood, I asked if the baby would rest today and continue to grow tomorrow.  Doc said it was impossible.  Baby cells have to grow and multiply every minute, every hour and every day.  He advised to stop the progesterone support and allow the strawberry monster to come.

So that is really the end of this IVF journey.  On hindsight, God had given me a long runway to prepare myself mentally for the outcome.  In fact, the constant cycle of seeing new strawberry surprises, the effort to calm my emotions and regain my foothold had taken a toil on me.  Yes, I remained hopeful til the very last minute.  But in some ways, I am glad to have closure on this.  It is not an outcome that I would prefer, but I am also partially relieved to be able to make my own plans.

Honestly, I was very concerned about my work in the event if I needed prolonged bed rest to arrest the constant bleeding.  With a weak embryo, there was possibility of bed rest for the whole 1st trimester and at the back of my head, this would be a huge problem.  I was also worried if the baby may also develop health problems.  So having that burden off my shoulders really did add a spring to my walk.  Possibly too much walking and shopping that afternoon resulted in an avalanche of strawberry jam.  It totally overflowed a brand new sanitary napkin.  The strawberry monster gave its finale burst of power.  I was more embarrassed by the outflow and didn't have time to grieve or think too much into this.

16dp3dt: Feeling a bit of everything

We are all humans, not superheroes.  We just try our best that's all, but we are also not perfect.  It is not like I am always positive and hopeful.  I will also face a myriad of feelings, and that was especially poignant today.

This morning I went for my blood test and the results of my superman baby versus the strawberry monster (aka bleeding) is that it is a STALEMATE.  The HCG levels have dropped slightly but my baby is still in the game.  It is not the end yet!  He is still fighting and holding on.

In the late afternoon, I started to feel the sudden release of clots of strawberry jam.  Previously I just see it in the liner or when I wipe.  Now I can feel it.  This means the clot of jam is getting big - at least 1inch in diameter each time.  In about 6 hours, I have felt at least 7 clots.

What are the kind of feelings that surrounded me today?  I would say, it is really a bit of everything.

THANKFUL - I was very thankful to hear that my baby is really a fighter.  He is still hanging on to me.  He must really like us and would really wants to come to this world.  His tenacity is truly admirable.  I also feel that he will make it.   Because God was the one who gave him life and he will not take it away from him so quickly.

ANGRY - The clots of strawberry jam really hit me hard.  I felt angry why God would give life to my embryo and yet take him away from me.  I even had thoughts that God was punishing me - giving me miracles twice in a week and taking it away from me now.  But I also came to realise - no one told me my baby is gone.  I just assumed.  Why did I release my anger on God?

CHEATED - I had very clear plans.  If IVF is positive, we would do this.  If IVF was negative, we would do that.  And I thought the answer will be clearly revealed before 11 July.  But why am I in a grey area?  Why didn't God give me a definite answer?  End of the day, I also realised that those were my plans.  Those were not God's plan for me.  As much as I don't like it, it is his plan for me.

GUILT-RIDDEN - I felt bad that my IVF plans had affected many people - my hopeful parents, my patient hubby, my understanding colleagues (who now have to cover my duties for me until further notice).  All of them have to deal with the uncertainty.  And especially for my loved ones, they may to deal with the fragility of these miracles.  That it is a bubble which may burst anytime.

This journey is longer than I had expected and it is taking a toil on me, the baby and everyone as well.  But I will continue to pray for faith, for strength, for miracles and for hope.  Because everything is really in God's hand, whatever his plans for me.

15dp3dt: The Waiting Game and the Superheroes in my life

Last night, the cramping got worse and I was bleeding more.  I actually stained my liner and my shorts in less than 3 hours.  We decided to go the A&E for additional support.

We were told that at this point, there was nothing we could do.  No additional support will help.  Low HCG levels usually indicate that the embryo is not growing well.  The body automatically would remove the weaker link, similar to the theory of the survival of the fittest.  If so, the embryo will just flow out of the body, without any pain to me.  This is a very strong possibility.

There is a small glimmer of hope that my embryo will continue to grow, survive through the clots of strawberry jam that is so common now.  All I can do is pray and God has given me a peace of mind.  I didn't cry, perhaps not yet.  Sometimes, I am worried that I am too calm.  But I am a fighter and I hope my baby is also a fighter.  In fact, I hope he is a better and stronger fighter than me.  My baby is a superman egg.  He will be able to overcome the odds and cling tightly on to me. 

Throughout this difficult 2 weeks, there are a lot of superheroes who have helped me and I would like to convey my deepest appreciation:

• My daddy - who will spend time every day to read relevant verses in the bible and conduct family prayer sessions.  He also lends me his car to facilitate my doctor's appointments and in turn, he sacrifices his comfortable ride and takes the public transport.

• My mommy - who wakes up at 5am to prepare my daily tonics of black chicken soup and my meals.  I was treated like a queen.  She took time away from work (which meant a drop in her daily income), accompanied to almost all of my doctor's visits and refuses to let me do any housework.  I wasn't allowed to wash the dishes or pack my bed.  All I did was to rest in bed

• My hubby - who never once made me feel inadequate.  I never sense the stress from him.  He was just quietly and patiently by my side.  He is one who never spends foolishly but he sent me straight to the most expensive A&E last night and had no qualms about the possibility of spending close to $1,000 just to hear a IVF specialist advice on how to stop the incessant bleeding.

• My colleagues and boss - who have given me their best empathy for my situation and allowed me to rest with a complete peace of mind.  They have held the fort on my behalf and I can't wait to go back to the team.

• My brother - who tries to comfort me in his own odd ways.  He definitely tries to make me laugh and always wants to be updated on my latest development.

• My best buddies - who would always be available on whatapps and to comfort me and be with me every step of this journey.  If not for the constant messages and yakking, my days would have gotten a lot harder. 

• My TCM doctor - who has entertained my incessant calls and emails and provided whatever help and advice.  She doesn't sugar coat the reality, yet has a way of making you feel assured.

• My friends -  those who keep me in their thoughts, prayed for me, comforted me, asked about my progress. Friends on the forum who were matching side by side with me, always ready to help one another to make this road so much easier for me.

• And the last and most important person, God - Many will know that you experience a lot of intense emotions and feelings during this period.  It can be difficult to share your inner thoughts and fears with your loved ones.  Because you really want to be strong in front of them, so that it is easier for them too.  I really knocked on his doors countless times each day.  And he has been there for me, giving me peace, giving me renewed faith, giving me strength, giving me a miracle yesterday.  And I await another miracle from him again tomorrow.

 No matter what is the outcome, all of us have done our best. 

14dp3dt: Giving thanks with a grateful heart - Seeing red but it is not the end!

Every visit to the toilet frightens me.  First, it was the chocolate fudge, then the strawberry juice and even clots of strawberry jam.  Every visit I will see red and it shakes my faith.  But I will try my best to pick myself up - pray a little more, pray a little harder.  Finally, I started to give thanks to see spotting and light bleeding. Because this means that my period is not here.  This means there is hope.

I experienced more cramping this morning so decided to call the hospital to update that I still see red even after 4 days of additional duphaston support.  They asked me to come in for a blood test (2 days before my scheduled date).

As I drove to the hospital and back home, I prayed and sang non-stop. There was nothing I could do, except to pray.  I prayed that he will give me positive news.  I prayed that he will answer my prayers.  I prayed that he would give me children that I will bring up in accordance to his words.  I don't know how many times I prayed and how many times I sang.  It was the only way to keep me sane.

Back home, I was having lunch with my brother and we were both preparing ourselves for the worst case scenario.  I was going to ask my hubby to take urgent leave tomorrow and mourn together before I head back to work.  We will implement our 'two-of-us' plan of eating sashimi, drinking cold coke and booking our air tickets to shanghai for a getaway.  As such thoughts fill my mind, my cramps became worse as well.  It made me feel really guilty.  What if our baby hears that I have already given up hope?  It is a thin line whether I should accept reality or ignore the signs and be obsessed with the small hope that there is really a baby in me.  Honestly, it feels like I am schizophrenic.

My handphone finally rang and I was surprisingly calm when I answered the call, bracing myself for the worst.  The nurse said, 'There are small traces of hcg in your blood but it is very very low.  Come back on Wed for another blood test and continue with your inserts.'.  I couldn't believe it.  Almost cried, or maybe I really did cry.  I am still in the fight.  All is not lost.

Love this song that I heard on Sunday, the song I kept singing while I was driving:

For every time I pray

I move the hand of God

My prayer can do things

My hand cannot do

For every time I pray

The mountains are removed

The paths are made straight

And nations turn to you

Honestly, this is a miracle, made possible by prayers and faith. I hope that my story can inspire more sisters to stay strong in this journey.  To keep our chins up and not lose hope.  And for those who believe, to continue praying and believing amidst the darkness.  As we slug in bed, hold tight to the hope that we will become butterflies, glowing with a baby bump.

11dp3dt: Spotting strawberry juice, praying for faith

Most people would agree that the 2ww period is a roller-coaster ride.  To me, I think it is a roller-coaster in pitch darkness.  Because you really don't know what is at the next turn. Is it a sharp corner, a sudden downward drop, an accelerated surge or light at the end of the tunnel?

I was groping in the dark initially because of the OHSS syndrome - not knowing when it will end.  I sought solace in God (after a lapse of many years) and he gave me peace.  My faith was shaken shortly at 4dp3dt when my TCM doc told me that my pulse was not giving good vibes.  I prayed harder and restored my faith in him.  My faith did not dent even when my TCM doc said my condition has worsened on 8dp3dt.

But I took a plunge again on 9dp3dt when I saw strands of chocolate fudge after a visit to the toilet.  I prayed again and felt strong once more.  I read that brown discharge and spotting was quite common during 2ww.  It doesn't mean anything.  Even when chocolate fudge became strawberry juice the next day, I was calm; proud of my belief in God.  As it was too early for a blood test, the hospital gave me duphaston for additional progesterone support.  It is not the end yet.

This morning, I saw my first blood clot.  Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, I fell even deeper.  The first thought was that it was my embryo and I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head.  I kept praying for faith, for miracle, for peace, for hope.  While I am feeling better now, slowly regaining my faith again, there is still that little voice that tells me to prepare for the worst.

Am I afraid of a BPN?  Not really, but my tears flow every time I imagine the disappointment on the faces of my loved ones.  But I will hold strong, together with the hopes of my parents and my hubby, that there is still hope.  And I will do my best for my embryos.  I still have time, before my blood test in 5 days' time. Also, it is July now, the month we celebrate my birthday, my hubby's birthday and my daddy's birthday.  I am sure God will answer our prayers and is preparing our birthday surprises.  Let's hold on to hope together and be stronger together.  I must not let that little voice get into my head.

9dp3dt: I am a slug with a vengence against the black chickens

I am officially a slug now. My TCM appointment was on 12dp3dt, but I wanted to know my progress.  Did my body react well to her medicine?  Was my plan of going out to distract myself better than staying cooped up in bed? 

So off I went to my TCM doctor yesterday.  She frowned more this time, explaining that my pulse was worse now, compared to the last visit on 4dp3dt.  She suggested a daily dose of black chicken soup with eucommia bark.

This time, the words didn't hit me as hard.  Maybe I am really stronger now.  After all, it is all in God's hand and all of this is part of his plan.  I no longer ask why or how?  I just want to do what I can and leave the rest to him.  Honestly, quite proud of myself for being so composed.  I went to the DVD shop on the way home and bought myself a couple of korean drama serials.  I am going to be a good girl now - slugging in bed and overdosing on black chicken soup.

Well, honestly I can't stay in bed too long.  I realise that every 30 mins, I would be out of bed e.g. getting a drink, going to the toilet, getting some fruits or just tossing and turning.  I am really not born to be a slug.  But all I can do is to be a slug, the best that I could offer to my babies.

Summary of symptoms: 0dp3dt to 7dp3dt

It has been quite an eye-opening experience for me since Egg Transfer.  I suffered quite majorly because of the OHSS symptoms.  At that point, I could only think of trying to get myself better.  I didn't even dare to think of BFP as it would worsen my symptoms.

Luckily, the OHSS subsided with the help of my chinese medicine, immunocal and lots of prayers.  Then the guilt started to kick in.  I felt like a very selfish person who could only think about myself.  I even thought that as long as I felt better, that was all that matters.  I told everyone that this was my first and last IVF, no matter what the outcome was.

As I got better, paranoia visited me.  Like many of the sisters doing IVF, I started to read into the symptoms.  But I realise it just doesn't mean anything.  I am a natural pessimist.  If there are no signs, I would be thinking that implantation failed.  If I have cramps, I would be thinking that my period is coming.  Honestly, there is no basis for such thoughts.  Refusing to let these thoughts rule my life, I started to go out to distract myself.  These thoughts will still creep up on me, especially when I am alone or in the night.  I will try my best to shake them off - sing a song or say a prayer - whatever that works.

I will remain hopeful and I know I will have the strength to handle the outcome.  Because I am not alone.

In any case, part of me still wants to document down my journey and the symptoms.  Here's a table summarising the symptoms in the last 7 days.

6dp3dt - Hope is transient

I woke up bright and happy to see my TCM doctor on 4dp3dt.  Relished any chance of getting out of the house, especially now that I am feeling a lot better.  She shared bad news that 胎不稳，不是很好。 It seems that the embryos are not holding up very well and she advised more rest.  She prescribed cordyceps, eucommia bark and other herbs, mainly to 按胎。

Her words kept ringing in my head non-stop.  And I was a little in shock.  Deep down, I feared the worst.  Everything seems to tell me to prepare myself for the imminent.  My OHSS symptoms have gotten better (which is supposed to worsen if implantation was successful).  I am starting to feel menstrual-like cramps.  My bust feeling a little tender which is a sign that my period is coming.

I tried to rest more, prayed more, distract myself more.  Now the days feel long again, though for a different set of reasons.  After resting for a day, I decided to throw caution to the wind and we went out the next 2 days.  At least it kept my mind busy.

Backaches seemed to have crept up on me as well and I drank a huge cup of lemongrass tea.  It usually hits the spot for me.  And I just learnt that lemongrass may induce miscarriage.  BIG oopsie for me.  I immediately contacted my TCM doc.  Well, she advised me to have black chicken soup with eucommia bark.  Honestly, I did feel a lack of support from the hospital.  On reflection, it would be good for them to have scheduled a visit during 2ww, especially when I had OHSS symptoms.  This would really have helped.

Reflecting on the last 6 days since the Egg Transfer, I find that Hope is something really transient.  Sometimes I feels that Hope is all around me, giving me strength to face the adversaries.  Yet Hope can vanish equally fast into the darkness, plunging me into the realms of my nightmare.  I am also conscious that Hope in its extreme, can blind me to all the realities and I only see what I want, ignoring the truth.  That is just me, being a little melancholic.  Or just the hormones talking.  No matter what the struggles are, I will continue grasping tightly to my hope; however tiny however small.

Appetite after Egg Transfer

Since young, I am a big fan of meals.  To me, life is about eating.  I love to indulge in a nice meal when I am happy.  I must indulge in a nice meal when I am sad.  I would indulge in a nice meal when I am stressed.  Give me any reason to have nice food.  To beat the Monday blues, my colleagues and I will have lunch in a simple restuarant instead of hawker fare.  To welcome the weekend, Friday lunches could be at a nice place also.  Nice meals are not expensive fine dining, it just have to be nice.  Food that I like!

I used to tell my hubby.  It is easy to keep me contented - 吃足长乐 - which means I am always happy when I can get my food.  My hubby is just opposite.  He eats to live.  He can eat the same meal every day as long as it fills his tummy.  On the contrary, nice food is what I live for. 

Since Egg Transfer (ET), I have an appetite of a baby.  Because of the bloatedness and nausea, I could not stomach anything more than half a small bowl of food for each meal.  I have this for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  This is the most I could do. 

Some may think, well at least you will lose weight.  I wish.  Instead, I have put on weight because of the bloatedness.  Thought about it for very long whether to pose this compromising photo, but decided to go ahead.  This is how bloated I am - looks like a mid-term pregnancy.  It is all liquid inside; hard and hurts when you press.

Luckily, nausea has reduced and appetite has resumed a little since 2dp3dt.  Tummy is still as bloated and I still can't handle anything more than half a tiny bowl of macaroni.  But I do feel hungry every 3 hours now and I have progressed to eating 5 bowls at macaroni in a day - breakfast, brunch, lunch, tea and dinner.  I do feel hungry and want to eat, it just that there isn't any space for it.

Hopefully, really hopefully, I will get to enjoy my love for food once again =)

Summary of Stimulation Phrase and Symptoms After Egg Retrieval

Summary of Condition:
I am turning 33 years old with irregular periods.  Diagnosed with PCOS.  Have been trying to conceive naturally for 5 years.  Tried TCM for the last 18months.  Husband sperm is generally ok, with slight sperm morphology but no big concerns at all.

Tables below summarises the treatment plan during stimulation phrase and the symptoms that arose after Egg Retrieval:
 

Outcome of Egg Fertilization on Day 3:

1. 23 eggs retrieved
2. 9 eggs ripe and suitable for fertilization.
3. 2 eggs successful fertilized - One is a compacting embryo while the other is a grade 2.

Both eggs were transferred on Day 3.

2dp3dt

The gastric attacks the night before steeled my resolve to visit my TCM doctor yesterday.  She prescribed me some medicine to balance the acidity in my stomach.  I also decided to try this whey protein, Immunocal which came highly recommended by the people in the forums.

So what is the outcome of 3 packs of chinese medicine + 3 packs of Immunocal + a family prayer?
I woke up this morning feeling still bloated.  My tummy was still huge and hard.  BUT I was able to sleep on my side without wanting to burp or puke.  I did wake up whenever I wanted to toss and turn.  But I did get better sleep.  And there was also no gastric attacks, which I was very thankful for.

So I am more refreshed.  Each step is still painful for me; I still wobbly like a duck.  But at least there were some relief, and mentally a little stronger and positive.  I did, however, come down with a sore throat though.  It is still the morning of 3dp3dt and everything feels tad much better already.  Hooray and I give thanks to the Lord for putting his helping hand on me!

Bad sleep after Egg Retrieval

Not sure if it is a coincidence, but I haven't had a good night's sleep until Egg Retrieval on Day 12.  It had been 3 nights. The first 2 nights were plagued with nightmares and morbid images of coffin, dead people imprinted in my mind.

Subsequently, suffering the symptoms of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) was really no joke.  This is what I feel all the time throughout the day, which will worsen in the night.

1. Constant bloatedness.  It felt like I swallowed a whole giant watermelon - big and hard.
2. Nausea and puking.  I couldn't lie down or lean back on a chair.  Even messaging on the phone made me giddy.
3. Lower abdominal cramps.  Every step I wake was a torture.  I walked at the speed of a tortoise, wobbling side by side like a duck. 
4. Sharp gastric attack.  This comes and goes.  When it does, all you can is to bend over and hug your tummy until the pain subsides.
5. Lack of appetite.  I was constantly full.  Every drop of water or morsel of food makes me feel as if my tummy was going to explode
6. Backache.  Feels like my bones are breaking from inside.
7. Shortness of breath.  Possibly caused by the weight of the bloating tummy, I would feel short of breath.  Nothing painful, just that I would have to take more breaths to finish 1 sentence.
8. Lack of sleep.  The above symptoms worsen at night.  I could also try to sleep sitting upright, but when the pain suddenly kick in, I am helpless once again just waiting for the pain to subside.

On the 3rd night, I kept burping and there was a burning sensation up my throat when I burp.   I tried to lie down but it would trigger the burping.  So I resorted to napping while sitting down.  The night felt like eternity.  It was such a delight to see the skies brightening. It brought hope to my discomfort. Like I was not alone anymore.

On the 4th night, I felt so bloated that I could not even lie down.  And it made me even more breathless.  That was not the worst.  I started to have gastric and nausea again and it kept me awake most of the time.  I eventually puked til all the bile juice came out.  It gave me a respite and a nap of about 1 hour before I was suddenly jolted up with a sharp gastric pain.  It was so painful that I couldn't stand up.  I managed to stumble my way to the toilet and somehow peeing managed to relieve the pain.  Seriously, I would have rushed myself to the hospital at that point.
 
Fingers crossed that I would have a better sleep soon.

Day 15 aka Egg Transfer (0dp3dt)

A bit of update on yesterday symptoms before I touch on Egg Transplant. I started to bloat and tummy was as hard and round as a watermelon.  Gastric was gone but still cramping at the lower abdominal area. A visit to the church resulted in spotting and I spent the whole day in bed subsequently. Luckily the spotting subsided.

At the hospital, I described my symptoms to the nurses. I was warned that I might not be able to have my Egg Transfer.  Blood test was done and after 90minutes, we went to meet my doc. While it was not mentioned, it was clear that I had OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) and going ahead with Egg Transfer may worsen the symptoms.

My doc only asked me 2 questions: Can I drink? Can I pee? Since I am able to do both, he proceeded with the Egg Transfer. I think I understood his intentions subsequently though he didn't elaborate on it.

A total of 23 eggs were retrieved,  9 were ripe and able to be fertilised. Of the 9 eggs, 4 were successful in being embryos but 2 had abnormalities, leaving only 2 suitable eggs for implant. And of these 2 suitable embryos, 1 was growing normally while another 1 was slower at grade 2 on Day 3 of cultivation.  But given my limited choice, a grade 2 embryo is equally precious.

Why I had to go ahead despite OHSS? I am guessing is that the alternative would be to freeze the embryos for the next cycle. However they may not survive the freezing and unfreezing. And I could be left with no embryos.  So it was quite clear for me. I got to survive the OHSS symptoms, no matter how hard it would be.

Today is 0dp3dt which means 0 day past 3 day transfer. Below is the photo of my embryos. I named the right one Cayenne and the left one Cayman. Both are models of Porsche cars so that they will be blessed with the power to zoom ahead and grow at astounding speed. Also the names also hint of twins - my secret wish to have a boy and a girl.

So today is the start of 2 week wait (2ww) but honestly, I am feeling absolutely terrible. Bits of gastric, abdominal pain when I walk, bloatedness that is robbing my smile, a nagging constant feeling of wanting to vomit and my nemesis - the aching backpain that is slowly creeping in.  It is going to be a loooooong night.....

IVF Day 13

Seems to be a long time since my last post.  The last few days have been quite hectic - possibly something that every working women undergoing IVF would have to go through.

A blood test was done on the morning of Day 10 before I could go back in the evening for the trigger jab.  Honestly, it was quite a painful jab.  For me, it really hurt from the moment the needle went in until the whole jab was done.  The 'bruised' feeling lasted throughout the Day 11 e.g. when sitting down or tossing and turning in bed.

Day 11 was a whirlwind - trying my best to handover my work as I would be hospitalisation leave for at least 17 days.

Finally, Egg Retrieval on Day 12.  Honestly, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into.  Hahaha!  Reported at the hospital real early at 730am.  Waited in the recovery lounge for my name to be called.  Family members were not allowed in the recovery lounge.  So it was just me, lonely and scared.  First call for my name was for the insertion of the plug on my hand to facilitate the injections and drip later on.  In full honesty, it was painful.  Until now, my hand is still feeling a little bruised.

Second call for my name was to enter into the operating theatre.  There was a bed in the middle of a big room with many round lights above the bed.  I was told to wait there for my doctor.  Nurses were around but the wait felt like eternity.

Another thing that scared me - while I was supposed to be sedated for Egg Retrieval, it is not a heavy dose of medicine.  So I was told that I might still hear conversations and feel some discomfort.  Luckily, I was completely knocked out for the next 10 mins during the operation.  I started to regain my conscious as the nurses wheeled me out of the operating theatre.  Good news - I didn't feel any pain or discomfort.  Got to lie there for about 2 hours with a drip and constant monitoring of blood pressure before the nurses came with a cup of milo.

There were some spotting below but nurses explained that it was normal.  Hubby came to fetch me and off we went for a delicious lunch.  After all, I was super hungry after a 12-hr no food no drink fast. And I was totally oblivious on what was coming!

About 6hours after the operation, I started to feel lower abdominal cramps.  Then gastric hit me.  By evening, I could only prawn in bed.

Symptoms have subsided a little today.  But I still have to prawn in bed.  Taking 1 step is still painful - as if each step causes the womb to wobble.  Hoping that it would be better tomorrow.

For those curious folks out there, a total of 23 eggs were retrieved.  Egg Transplant is arranged on Day 3 as Day 2 is a weekend =P  Before Egg Transplant, got to let the nurse suck some blood from me to test for Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome.

IVF Day 9

This can be quite a roller coaster experience, which I am trying my best to enjoy the ride and not sweat too much about it.  Today is Day 9 and I am back at the hospital waiting for my scan.  I was initially hopeful that I could have my Egg Retrieval on Thursday! 

However, the scan showed that my follicles are kinda growing slower than expected.  Today, lining is 11mm and there are 20 follicles ranging from 9-17mm.  Growth was only 1mm in a day.  Out of the 20 follicles, only 2 of them were above 16mm and ready for retrieval.

Doc had quite a dilemma - Should he arrange for Egg Retrieval on Thursday?  Should he extend stimulation by 1 more day and if yes, at what dosage of Puregon.  Eventually, it was decided:

• Today Day 9 - I get a jab of 200units of Puregon
• Tomorrow Day 10 - I would be back at the hospital for a blood test in the morning and the trigger shot at night. Time of trigger - not confirmed yet.
• Egg Retrieval on Day 12 with Egg Transfer 3 days later

Updating the table, it now looks like this:

IVF Day 8

Today's scan gave us good news.  My follicles are reacting well to the increased dose of Puregon.  Lining is 11.5mm and there are about 18 follicles ranging from 8-16mm.  The doctor is estimating that the egg retrieval would be on Thursday or Friday.  Another scan is scheduled for tomorrow!  Fingers crossed!

IVF and TCM

We were knocking on doors of various TCM doctors but none were able to help us conceive naturally.  In any case, my current TCM doctor, who came strongly recommended by my mother, is a family doctor for one of her close friends.  If I had learn 1 thing from my 3 years of seeking help from various TCM doctors, it would be to just follow what your parents recommend.  If not, they will keep buzzing the same message -  your current TCM doctor is not good.  I eventually relented and now everyone has a peace of mind.

But having said that, I do click very well with my current TCM doctor.  Every visit had been a breeze for the last 10 months.  I get medicine in individual packs of powder - 2 packs a day.  Acupuncture is administered occasionally (about 3-4 times in 1 month) during key periods e.g. to encourage ovulation or regularise my period.

The TCM treatment during my IVF treatment - quite routine like previous visits.  I was given medicine before my period.  No medicine during the period and started another set of medicine once period stops.  The table below summaries the current plan:

IVF Day 6

We got up real early to be at the hospital for the scan.  Deep down, I was hoping for good news that things were better than expected and we could possibly shorten the stimulation.  The scan showed that lining was 8.5mm with 14 follicles ranging from 5-12mm.

Unfortunately the doc said that the growth of the follicles had slowed down significantly.  Puregon would have to be increased from 150units to 200units.  Next scan would be on Day 8.  Kinda sad to hear this news, but we are comforted that there is still progress.  Heehee!

IVF Day 4

After 3 days of puregon, we went back for a scan on Day 4. It was quite silly that I had to empty my bladder just before the scan and was told to load up on water right after. That is because I had to do an ovulation test in the next 30mins before I see the doc. And so I downed 5 cups of water and waited.

Never been happier to pee. Hahaha! The doc on duty shared that there were 10 follicles (5-10mm). Not too sure if this is considered good, bad or average. But my gynae did warn us earlier - these numbers mean nothing in our case. That's cos I have PCOS and even with a substantial number of follicles, many could be just empty without eggs. And people with PCOS tend not have good fertilization records too.

On a separate note, I did overheard the nurse saying that lining was 5.5mm. Quite worried about lining as I don't have heavy periods. It would be in and over within 3 days. In any case, today - aka day 4 of stimulation - we are going to add on the genirelix injection. So it is going to be 2 injections from today onwards. Can't wait for the next scan on Day 6!

Injections - Puregon

One of the most common questions - how are you feeling? Honestly and luckily, pretty fine. I have a phobia of needles and injections. Good thing that my mother live with us and she is my personal IVF nurse. Generally on a scale of 1-10, the injections possibly rank on the scale of 2-3 depending on which part of the tummy. After the jab, there is a bit of pulling/crampy at the tummy area which takes about 1-2 hours to disappear. I realise that if the injection is done nearer to the belly button, the injection pain is more intense but results in much shorter cramping at the tummy subsequently. Occasionally I would feel a little light-headed as if I am on a cruise ship. Tends to get very sleepy between 4-7pm. And gets hungry easier which results in 2 incidents of gastric within the first 3 days.

IVF Day 1

The feeling is almost surreal. I cannot believe that we have finally started our IVF journey. It was 3 years ago when we first heard the doctor suggest that we do IVF. We fought hard and resisted against it. We tried everything possible - chinese medicine, acupuncture, ovulation strips etc. Three years on, we finally gave in - because age was a better runner than we are. Age has caught up with us. We were put on an antagonist cycle aka short protocol. It was an arduous wait for my period to come and we resorted to taking medicine. It finally came on 8 June. Up bright and early on 11 June, we headed to the hospital and started on first puregon jab at 150units. Honestly, I hate injections. But sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. Until now, I can't say we love kids and we must have kids. I still have reservations about being good parents. But the golden window for IVF is closing on us soon. It was now or never. So here it goes..