Oh man! Itching is one of the most unbearable symptoms thus far. As much as I am trying to enjoy my 2nd trimester honeymoon period, I am plagued by a constant nagging itch.
It started with an itch in the butt after a poo-poo session. Possibly due to the hard stools, the area was bleeding and it became a biting pain that kept me awake the whole night. The itch then spread to the bikini lines, armpits and under the bust. Pimple-like bumps, that looked like inflamed in-growth hair, started to appear. Just when I think this was bad, small little sand-fly bite bumps started to appear on the inner folds of the v-area. And these small little red bumps also spread to cover my entire back. And they are really absolutely intensely insanely itchy!!!
I have seen a GP and he gave me antihistamine tablets to fight the itch. He also prescribed Pristinex, an anti-fungal cream. Both weren't of much help. I also went to my private gynae and he prescribed me with Combiderm, an anti-bacterial and anti-fungal cream that has some content of steroids. Both mentioned that rashes are common during pregnancy possibly due to the hormonal changes. As long as the discharge is clear, there is no cause for concern.
The Combiderm cream seems to help a little, but I am not supposed to use it extensively and the usage period shouldn't exceed 10 days. For safety sake, I am not applying on my back due to the sheer surface area. So I am surviving on aloe vera gel and tea tree oil for the bumps on my back.
Itching for the last 2 weeks, I have a realisation about the love-hate relationship between scratching and itching. Honestly, scratching an itch gives you the greatest satisfaction ever! But almost immediately, you are rewarded with an even itchier itch. Scratching also does nothing except expand the area of the itch. Scratching to me is like heroin to a drug addict - there is obviously detrimental, yet you cannot resist its temptation because it offers you a much-needed momentary relief and sanity. Please join me in my prayers that God will put his healing hand on me and drive away this ridiculous itch!
Monday, 11 August 2014
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
22weeks: Symptoms of 2nd Trimester
2nd trimester is the honeymoon stage because you feel very much normal now and the baby bump is very manageable. Energy levels are back. Appetite should be restored to at least 80% or even eating more than usual. Baby bump is slowly showing and the beanie feels a lot higher (which makes you more agile).
Weight gain is also expected to increase. Because of the discomfort in 1st trimester, I lost 5kg and right now, I am still putting on those weight that I have lost. My weight gain only began to increase in week 15, possibly at about 1kg/month. Right now, it is rising at about 2-2.5kg/month.
But 2nd trimester also has its boo-boo. Constipation is a perpetual problem throughout the pregnancy. My worse experience was spending over 1hr in the toilet because it was just stuck! And now I am down with piles. It started with an itch at the a** area, and it progressed to a swell and bleeding during toilet visits. Right now, there is a constant bruised/raw cut feeling whenever I am moving or even sitting down. Truly a pain in the a**! I am definitely going to visit my family doctor for help tomorrow!
Itching is another torment. Out of the blue, I had the urge to scratch at the most obscene places - armpits, bikini line and below the bust. The itch seems to be happening at the places where the skin folds even though I have been keeping a good level of hygiene. Oh man, how I really know how my dog feels all day long. No wonder they are always roll over in bliss when you give them a good scratchy!
And there are changes to our tender bust, as they prepare for breastfeeding. Veins started appearing across my blossoms and last night, I was shocked to find small bits of glue-like dirt at the teats. Apparently it is no cause for any concern - just gently clean them off and it will be gone! *phew phew phew*
Weight gain is also expected to increase. Because of the discomfort in 1st trimester, I lost 5kg and right now, I am still putting on those weight that I have lost. My weight gain only began to increase in week 15, possibly at about 1kg/month. Right now, it is rising at about 2-2.5kg/month.
But 2nd trimester also has its boo-boo. Constipation is a perpetual problem throughout the pregnancy. My worse experience was spending over 1hr in the toilet because it was just stuck! And now I am down with piles. It started with an itch at the a** area, and it progressed to a swell and bleeding during toilet visits. Right now, there is a constant bruised/raw cut feeling whenever I am moving or even sitting down. Truly a pain in the a**! I am definitely going to visit my family doctor for help tomorrow!
Itching is another torment. Out of the blue, I had the urge to scratch at the most obscene places - armpits, bikini line and below the bust. The itch seems to be happening at the places where the skin folds even though I have been keeping a good level of hygiene. Oh man, how I really know how my dog feels all day long. No wonder they are always roll over in bliss when you give them a good scratchy!
And there are changes to our tender bust, as they prepare for breastfeeding. Veins started appearing across my blossoms and last night, I was shocked to find small bits of glue-like dirt at the teats. Apparently it is no cause for any concern - just gently clean them off and it will be gone! *phew phew phew*
Saturday, 19 July 2014
21 weeks: A scan at Dr Ananda just to be safe
Paranoia always surrounds a IVF mommy-to-be. At least, this is the case for me. Perhaps the shadow of having poor egg quality makes me particularly fearful that beanie may not grow well. Seeing repeated bleeding during my 1st trimester didn't help to allay my fears. Hearing news of sudden miscarriages among our IVF mommies group definitely added to the sadness and worry.
So, I decided to arrange an additional detailed scan at Prof Ananda office just to be doubly sure. It was a very pleasant experience, compared to my earlier scan at week 20. During my first detailed scan, the sonographer was quite detached and the room layout resulted in my hubby sitting apart from me. Somehow the engagement and intimacy wasn't there. At Prof Ananda office, he personally performed the scan and guided us through the whole process. And he was very gentle. I had an achy pain at my lower abdomen area after the earlier scan because the sonographer was pressing way too hard.
And the best news is that beanie seems to be fine on all fronts. And we had a double confirmation that she is a girl! I am gonna nick-named her 'Sparkles' for now, inspired after a IVF sister who gave me a lot of strength and inspiration throughout this journey. And I totally love the sound of the word and its meaning as well. May she grow up to be a shining and dazzling light for those around, always giving joy and illuminating with hope. May she glitter and glow in her own ways and be filled with wit and charm. May she walk in the light of God and live each day with overflowing passion and zest. I would really have named her Sparkles but my hubby wants a proper name. At least she is gonna be sparkles for now until 21 Nov.
So, I decided to arrange an additional detailed scan at Prof Ananda office just to be doubly sure. It was a very pleasant experience, compared to my earlier scan at week 20. During my first detailed scan, the sonographer was quite detached and the room layout resulted in my hubby sitting apart from me. Somehow the engagement and intimacy wasn't there. At Prof Ananda office, he personally performed the scan and guided us through the whole process. And he was very gentle. I had an achy pain at my lower abdomen area after the earlier scan because the sonographer was pressing way too hard.
And the best news is that beanie seems to be fine on all fronts. And we had a double confirmation that she is a girl! I am gonna nick-named her 'Sparkles' for now, inspired after a IVF sister who gave me a lot of strength and inspiration throughout this journey. And I totally love the sound of the word and its meaning as well. May she grow up to be a shining and dazzling light for those around, always giving joy and illuminating with hope. May she glitter and glow in her own ways and be filled with wit and charm. May she walk in the light of God and live each day with overflowing passion and zest. I would really have named her Sparkles but my hubby wants a proper name. At least she is gonna be sparkles for now until 21 Nov.
Wednesday, 9 July 2014
20weeks: Beanie is a boy or girl???
Exciting week cos it is detailed scan time! Another milestone in this pregnancy journey cos you get to see beanie for at least 30mins. Well, everything is in black and white mode, so my hubby was bored after 10mins and started to fiddle with his phone.
To him, it was possibly just black circles after black circles as each black area is an organ e.g. bladder, kidney, heart etc. Or it was just white lines after white lines, which are the different bones. But it was quite surreal for me to be able to see beanie for so long.
Can you make a guess from my symptoms?
*DRUM ROLL*
Despite the overwhelming signs of a baby boy, my beanie is a PRINCESS!
Hahaha! I realised that I have gotten used to mindset that it was gonna be a boy. But I am still very thankful and glad. It would be lovely to have a baby girl. My mom is particularly worried that I am having a girl, but it really doesn't matter to me. Whomever with an issue with beanie being a girl can always just leave us alone and not disturb us. I am totally and perfectly fine with it. As long as beanie is safe, stable, strong, healthy and happy, that is all that matters.
Time to load our shopping bags with everything that is saccharine sweet, pinky, flora, polka dots, bows, butterflies, princessy etc!
To him, it was possibly just black circles after black circles as each black area is an organ e.g. bladder, kidney, heart etc. Or it was just white lines after white lines, which are the different bones. But it was quite surreal for me to be able to see beanie for so long.
- Nausea (though no vomiting) during 1st trimester
- Bloating and lots of burping
- Oily face with many little small bumps. Occasional bouts of pimple
- Hairier at the tummy and more visible/longer hair on arms and legs
- Likes salty and sour stuff more than sweet things (though I started to like char kway teow and black carrot cake, which I used to find it oily and boring)
- Stronger pulse on the left hand (which TCM doc guessed that it was gonna be a boy)
*DRUM ROLL*
Despite the overwhelming signs of a baby boy, my beanie is a PRINCESS!
Hahaha! I realised that I have gotten used to mindset that it was gonna be a boy. But I am still very thankful and glad. It would be lovely to have a baby girl. My mom is particularly worried that I am having a girl, but it really doesn't matter to me. Whomever with an issue with beanie being a girl can always just leave us alone and not disturb us. I am totally and perfectly fine with it. As long as beanie is safe, stable, strong, healthy and happy, that is all that matters.
Time to load our shopping bags with everything that is saccharine sweet, pinky, flora, polka dots, bows, butterflies, princessy etc!
Friday, 4 July 2014
19weeks: Sometimes your mind just drives you nuts!
This week is a bad week for the SMH forum sisters. One of us had a miscarriage suddenly, without any warning or symptoms. It was really heartbreaking to read her posts and it really saddened beanie and I. Her words kept appearing in my mind and my heart just goes out to her and what she is going through. Her pain must be immeasurable and I just keep praying that she would be back on her feet really soon. Really hope that no more IVF mommies would have to lose our beanies.
Another sister is going through an uncertain and frustrating phrase, trying to make sense of what had happened at her detailed scan. Just when we all feel more confident at mid 2nd-trimester, reality hits us hard and tells us that we should constantly be careful and thankful. Life is so uncertain and fragile and sometimes we are just so helpless in our circumstances. At this point, we can only pray and put our faith in God's plans for us.
I just keep telling myself that whatever will be will be. If a miscarriage is really just round the corner, there is nothing the doctors can do or help. I will just try to enjoy the pregnancy, pray real hard for the days ahead and not get too caught up in my paranoia. Well, 2 more milestones to cross - detailed scan in mid Jul and the passing of week 24 in early Aug. Week 24 is also known as viability week where the doctors are able to save the foetus in event of any pregnancy complication.
Another sister is going through an uncertain and frustrating phrase, trying to make sense of what had happened at her detailed scan. Just when we all feel more confident at mid 2nd-trimester, reality hits us hard and tells us that we should constantly be careful and thankful. Life is so uncertain and fragile and sometimes we are just so helpless in our circumstances. At this point, we can only pray and put our faith in God's plans for us.
I just keep telling myself that whatever will be will be. If a miscarriage is really just round the corner, there is nothing the doctors can do or help. I will just try to enjoy the pregnancy, pray real hard for the days ahead and not get too caught up in my paranoia. Well, 2 more milestones to cross - detailed scan in mid Jul and the passing of week 24 in early Aug. Week 24 is also known as viability week where the doctors are able to save the foetus in event of any pregnancy complication.
Monday, 30 June 2014
18weeks: Back to work and the 2nd Trimester Symptoms
Finally back to work and feeling a little more useful. Time also passes a little faster with many chirpy colleagues around me.
In case you are wondering if the symptoms are gone, well...yes and no. Nausea comes once in a blue-er moon but it does hit you suddenly without any warning. Appetite is still at 50% but much better than 1st trimester. You do get sudden light-headedness when you are standing up because of low blood pressure. And there are the sudden pangs of pains at the lower abdominal area that totally freaks you out. Sometimes it hits you just above the joints of the legs. Sometimes it feels like stitches at the side of your lower body. The scariest moment is when you feel it below the button belly cos that is where beanie is. But all doctors will assure that it is fine as long as there is no bleeding. Oh, and there is always that dreaded backache and achy bones that always crept up to you once every 2-3 days. Thankfully, I was able to recover after a warm glass of taiwanese mother ginger, red date and longan.
I think it is habitual but I am still walking at tortoise speed. The upper tummy also feels much harder these days, possibly cos the uterus is moving up coupled with constipation that is causing a lot of gas build-up in the body. And I am starting to feel that there is something below, like a certain tightness or heaviness from beanie, the waterbag and the placenta. I guess these are all new and foreign to me so trying my best to enjoy every part of it.
In case you are wondering if the symptoms are gone, well...yes and no. Nausea comes once in a blue-er moon but it does hit you suddenly without any warning. Appetite is still at 50% but much better than 1st trimester. You do get sudden light-headedness when you are standing up because of low blood pressure. And there are the sudden pangs of pains at the lower abdominal area that totally freaks you out. Sometimes it hits you just above the joints of the legs. Sometimes it feels like stitches at the side of your lower body. The scariest moment is when you feel it below the button belly cos that is where beanie is. But all doctors will assure that it is fine as long as there is no bleeding. Oh, and there is always that dreaded backache and achy bones that always crept up to you once every 2-3 days. Thankfully, I was able to recover after a warm glass of taiwanese mother ginger, red date and longan.
I think it is habitual but I am still walking at tortoise speed. The upper tummy also feels much harder these days, possibly cos the uterus is moving up coupled with constipation that is causing a lot of gas build-up in the body. And I am starting to feel that there is something below, like a certain tightness or heaviness from beanie, the waterbag and the placenta. I guess these are all new and foreign to me so trying my best to enjoy every part of it.
Monday, 23 June 2014
17weeks: What is in a bed-rest day?
I am one of the lucky few who had to bed-rest for the first trimester. Thankfully it was not a strict bed-rest. I could bathe as usual. Just had to avoid walking and try to lie down or sit down whenever possible. Minimal movement may help with stabilising the pregnancy and prevent any trigger for another bleeding episode.
So what is in a typical bed-rest day?
My mom comes with a glass of warm goat milk mixed with brown rice powder at 7am before she heads to work. That gives me a good start for the day and I head back to sleep until my alarm rings at 930am. Being a natural lazy-bone, I continue to snooze in bed until 1030am before heading out for a full glass of water to down my multi-vitamins. Multi-vitamins must be taken at least 2hrs after any meal with calcium.
I will be back in my comfy bed to play with my phone - reading forum updates, facebook and the daily news snippets on the development of my beanie. Tummy will growl at 12pm and it is time for lunch. Back to lazing in bed for the afternoon and occasionally, I will be surfing the net if the weather is cool. Else I will be hiding in air-con comfort as I watch the repeated serials on TV. Dinner is at 630pm and it is TV time again lying on the hall sofa as I catch up on current TV serials and chit-chat with my hubby. Bathtime is typically at 10pm and I am back to hiding in air-con comfort as I prepare for bed and catch-up with different groups of friends via whatapps. By 1230am, I will be counting sheeps in my dreams and the routine re-starts.
So what is in a typical bed-rest day?
My mom comes with a glass of warm goat milk mixed with brown rice powder at 7am before she heads to work. That gives me a good start for the day and I head back to sleep until my alarm rings at 930am. Being a natural lazy-bone, I continue to snooze in bed until 1030am before heading out for a full glass of water to down my multi-vitamins. Multi-vitamins must be taken at least 2hrs after any meal with calcium.
I will be back in my comfy bed to play with my phone - reading forum updates, facebook and the daily news snippets on the development of my beanie. Tummy will growl at 12pm and it is time for lunch. Back to lazing in bed for the afternoon and occasionally, I will be surfing the net if the weather is cool. Else I will be hiding in air-con comfort as I watch the repeated serials on TV. Dinner is at 630pm and it is TV time again lying on the hall sofa as I catch up on current TV serials and chit-chat with my hubby. Bathtime is typically at 10pm and I am back to hiding in air-con comfort as I prepare for bed and catch-up with different groups of friends via whatapps. By 1230am, I will be counting sheeps in my dreams and the routine re-starts.
At times, my day passes faster with my gynae visits and TCM doctor review. Other than those limited outings, my days have been so for the last 3 months. This is the life of a couch potato tai-tai... Hahahaha! Fortunately, my parents stay with me and help me with all the housework, allowing me to fully rest and stabilise the pregnancy. That explains why I could keep my nails for this long! But this will end soon as I will be heading back to work!
Thursday, 12 June 2014
15weeks: The week where we almost lost our dad
This week we saw God's amazing grace at its peak. There were so many happenings that I don't know where to start. And this is gonna be a wordy yet drama-filled post. But all I can say is that God's plan is magnificent and you really just have to trust in him, even if it means to blindly believing that all will work out.
#1 - Developments on my dilemma
My dilemma was about my parents moving out of my house. It started as a temporary stay and an intended 2-year stay became 4 years since we didn't have a clear intent from my in-laws if they would like to come over.
We did make clear that they should shift back this year. But my first trimester was very unstable and I had hoped that my parents could stay 1 more year to take care of me until the end of my maternity leave. But my hubby decided that we should follow the original plan. I finally accepted the reality with much reluctance and tears.
#2 - Extending no pay leave until delivery
With my unstable pregnancy and bleeding, there was a possibility that I might have to bed rest until delivery. Even if I could go back to work, it was subject to available positions. Chances were slim as it would be difficult to find a 5-month vacancy since I would be on maternity leave from Nov.
I had no choice but to raise the option of my parents staying for another year. The income from renting out their house would supplement my loss of income if I extend my no-pay leave. I would also be more comfortable in their care. My hubby agreed to suss out his family's intent. Unfortunately, it remained vague but my hubby suggested that my parents could stay 6 months until my delivery.
#3 - Dilemma resolved and I am definitely a happy mommie!
Late into the night one day, my dad had a heart attack, possibly triggered by the worries and tensions within the family. Not wanting to affect beanie, my parents sneaked out of the house and took a cab to the hospital on their own. 95% of his artery was blocked and his pulse was only 20beats/min when he arrived at A&E. He was immediately whisked into operation. Only when I woke up the next morning did I learnt about what had happened.
Fortunately, my dad recovered quickly and was out of ICU within 2 days. With this heart attack episode, it was impossible for them to shift back in the upcoming months. With the timely offer that they could stay until Dec, it was just a wonderful and amazing development.
#4 - Fabulous update at doctor's visit
I also visited my gynae to find out if I was able to return to work. While the doc was unable to confirm the cause of my bleed, he assured that it was unlikely to happen outside the first trimester. The placenta was in a good position and the pregnancy looked stable. The doc also took me off my duphaston support as it was no longer needed. I have my go-ahead to return to work and I am officially off my bed rest regime!
#5 - Wonderful opportunity at work
I informed my boss of the great update from my gynae. While my boss was worried about my health, coincidentally she did have a project on hand that I could manage. The project needs to be completed by year end and it further builds on what I had been working on previously. I agreed to the offer immediately and would be returning to work very shortly.
One month ago, I would never have imagined this outcome. I was only trying my best to pray for strengthening faith in God because he would know what was best for me. And he had indeed given me a wonderful turn of events, including a scary heart attack episode. But he had kept all of us safe and sound, bringing us closer than ever. Praise and glory to him and may his blessings continue to be abundant upon us.
#1 - Developments on my dilemma
My dilemma was about my parents moving out of my house. It started as a temporary stay and an intended 2-year stay became 4 years since we didn't have a clear intent from my in-laws if they would like to come over.
We did make clear that they should shift back this year. But my first trimester was very unstable and I had hoped that my parents could stay 1 more year to take care of me until the end of my maternity leave. But my hubby decided that we should follow the original plan. I finally accepted the reality with much reluctance and tears.
#2 - Extending no pay leave until delivery
With my unstable pregnancy and bleeding, there was a possibility that I might have to bed rest until delivery. Even if I could go back to work, it was subject to available positions. Chances were slim as it would be difficult to find a 5-month vacancy since I would be on maternity leave from Nov.
I had no choice but to raise the option of my parents staying for another year. The income from renting out their house would supplement my loss of income if I extend my no-pay leave. I would also be more comfortable in their care. My hubby agreed to suss out his family's intent. Unfortunately, it remained vague but my hubby suggested that my parents could stay 6 months until my delivery.
#3 - Dilemma resolved and I am definitely a happy mommie!
Late into the night one day, my dad had a heart attack, possibly triggered by the worries and tensions within the family. Not wanting to affect beanie, my parents sneaked out of the house and took a cab to the hospital on their own. 95% of his artery was blocked and his pulse was only 20beats/min when he arrived at A&E. He was immediately whisked into operation. Only when I woke up the next morning did I learnt about what had happened.
Fortunately, my dad recovered quickly and was out of ICU within 2 days. With this heart attack episode, it was impossible for them to shift back in the upcoming months. With the timely offer that they could stay until Dec, it was just a wonderful and amazing development.
#4 - Fabulous update at doctor's visit
I also visited my gynae to find out if I was able to return to work. While the doc was unable to confirm the cause of my bleed, he assured that it was unlikely to happen outside the first trimester. The placenta was in a good position and the pregnancy looked stable. The doc also took me off my duphaston support as it was no longer needed. I have my go-ahead to return to work and I am officially off my bed rest regime!
#5 - Wonderful opportunity at work
I informed my boss of the great update from my gynae. While my boss was worried about my health, coincidentally she did have a project on hand that I could manage. The project needs to be completed by year end and it further builds on what I had been working on previously. I agreed to the offer immediately and would be returning to work very shortly.
One month ago, I would never have imagined this outcome. I was only trying my best to pray for strengthening faith in God because he would know what was best for me. And he had indeed given me a wonderful turn of events, including a scary heart attack episode. But he had kept all of us safe and sound, bringing us closer than ever. Praise and glory to him and may his blessings continue to be abundant upon us.
Thursday, 29 May 2014
14weeks: Thankful for the many 'firsts' this week
This week I was feeling courageous and we tried many 'firsts' this week. And I am so glad that beanie enjoyed the 'firsts' as well and rewarded us with no surprises. Super thankful that there were no shocks.
I guess my attempts of bribing beanie with food was working. I kept telling my beanie that if beanie was good, we would be able to go out and try many nice food. Else we could only be stuck in bed and have home-cooked food all day long. Beanie hasn't been a very big fan of home-cooked food and I hardly ate much.
#1 'first' - A high tea at Shangri-la hotel to celebrate the start of 2nd trimester
First time out of the house without my mom or hubby as chaperones. But I had company from the time I left the house until I got home and we took cab both ways. I had such a wonderful time with my buddies, chatting all afternoon over warm delicious prawn noodle soup, fruit fondue and a delectable spread of desserts.
When I am feeling better, I will try the the MRT. Until then, it is cab-chauffeured or car-chauffeured.
#2 'first' - Attending a gathering at my friends' house
Encouraged by the successful high-tea, my mom also allowed me to attend a dinner gathering at my friend's house. Chaperoned by my hubby, we had a lovely catch-up with my friends and even toured the new house. The gathering lasted way past 10pm and none of us wanted to leave even though it was a work day the next day.
#3 'first' - Hearing my TCM doc's diagnosis that beanie and I were doing well
Although I had that unfortunate bleeding gush recently, my TCM doc had been giving us good updates about beanie and I. It is really comforting and reassuring to hear good updates though I will always worry that the trend might not continue.
There are still a lot of thoughts in my head. When can I go back to work? Will my boss want me back? Are there vacancies at work for me? What if I have to rest until delivery? Will I be able to manage? I try not to dwell into it too much, praying for faith in God's plan that he will give me the best plan and show me the way.
I guess my attempts of bribing beanie with food was working. I kept telling my beanie that if beanie was good, we would be able to go out and try many nice food. Else we could only be stuck in bed and have home-cooked food all day long. Beanie hasn't been a very big fan of home-cooked food and I hardly ate much.
#1 'first' - A high tea at Shangri-la hotel to celebrate the start of 2nd trimester
First time out of the house without my mom or hubby as chaperones. But I had company from the time I left the house until I got home and we took cab both ways. I had such a wonderful time with my buddies, chatting all afternoon over warm delicious prawn noodle soup, fruit fondue and a delectable spread of desserts.
When I am feeling better, I will try the the MRT. Until then, it is cab-chauffeured or car-chauffeured.
#2 'first' - Attending a gathering at my friends' house
Encouraged by the successful high-tea, my mom also allowed me to attend a dinner gathering at my friend's house. Chaperoned by my hubby, we had a lovely catch-up with my friends and even toured the new house. The gathering lasted way past 10pm and none of us wanted to leave even though it was a work day the next day.
#3 'first' - Hearing my TCM doc's diagnosis that beanie and I were doing well
Although I had that unfortunate bleeding gush recently, my TCM doc had been giving us good updates about beanie and I. It is really comforting and reassuring to hear good updates though I will always worry that the trend might not continue.
There are still a lot of thoughts in my head. When can I go back to work? Will my boss want me back? Are there vacancies at work for me? What if I have to rest until delivery? Will I be able to manage? I try not to dwell into it too much, praying for faith in God's plan that he will give me the best plan and show me the way.
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
13weeks: Sweet Surprises at First Trimester Screening
The First Trimester Screening (FTS), also known as Oscar scan, comprises of a blood test and scan. My blood test was done at week 9 and a scan at week 13. The doc will measure the heartbeat as well as the thickness at the back of the beanie's neck to ascertain the risk ratio of beanie having Down Syndrome.
Sweet surprise #1 -
I was telling beanie that daddy would be there during the scan and asked beanie to perform some tricks. During the last scan, beanie was using the butt to knock against the water bag, bouncing up and down. But during the FTS scan, beanie was a sleepyhead. No matter how we talked to beanie or tried shifting position or coughing, beanie was happily sleeping. Just before the scan ended, beanie bounced once and we saw it. Oh my... TOTALLY HAPPY!
Here's beanie again at 13w1d, measuring 7.3mm with a heartbeat of 150. Beanie is lying on the back and facing up. Head on the right followed by the rounded little tummy!
Sweet surprise #2 -
The results of the FTS was very promising. The ratio for Down Syndrome was 1 in 7000. On the way for lunch, my hubby shared his friend had a bad ratio and they were very troubled by it. Being able to have a child was a gift from God and it didn't matter if it was a boy or girl, singleton or twins. He sounded so sincere and that conversation left a deep impression on me. I have heard him mentioned this before, but this time it felt different. It felt real.
Sweet surprise #3 -
I was hungry that night and there was no food in the kitchen. I always loved my dad's simple noodles in ketchup and lime. But he was already asleep. My hubby decided to try to cook that same dish for me. Although it was way too sour and I couldn't eat it, I was very very touched by his gesture. These are the little things that made my day and allows me to feel that the future could be a little less scary.
Sweet surprise #1 -
I was telling beanie that daddy would be there during the scan and asked beanie to perform some tricks. During the last scan, beanie was using the butt to knock against the water bag, bouncing up and down. But during the FTS scan, beanie was a sleepyhead. No matter how we talked to beanie or tried shifting position or coughing, beanie was happily sleeping. Just before the scan ended, beanie bounced once and we saw it. Oh my... TOTALLY HAPPY!
Here's beanie again at 13w1d, measuring 7.3mm with a heartbeat of 150. Beanie is lying on the back and facing up. Head on the right followed by the rounded little tummy!
The results of the FTS was very promising. The ratio for Down Syndrome was 1 in 7000. On the way for lunch, my hubby shared his friend had a bad ratio and they were very troubled by it. Being able to have a child was a gift from God and it didn't matter if it was a boy or girl, singleton or twins. He sounded so sincere and that conversation left a deep impression on me. I have heard him mentioned this before, but this time it felt different. It felt real.
Sweet surprise #3 -
I was hungry that night and there was no food in the kitchen. I always loved my dad's simple noodles in ketchup and lime. But he was already asleep. My hubby decided to try to cook that same dish for me. Although it was way too sour and I couldn't eat it, I was very very touched by his gesture. These are the little things that made my day and allows me to feel that the future could be a little less scary.
But it is still hard for me not to think about the future. It worries me everyday, but I try my best to control and hide it. I will try to distract myself by thinking about my beanie but I know that I am in denial. The storm will still come and I pray for a miracle to keep beanie safe, strong, healthy and happy.
Friday, 16 May 2014
12weeks: Warded for bleeding but beanie is ok! Praise the lord!
Week 12 started on a scary note. It happened in the middle of night amidst my sweet slumber. A full gush of blood just came out and heavily stained my liner within 3 seconds. Rushed to the 24hr clinic and was given a progesterone jab. As the bleeding was quite a lot and sudden, the doctor decided to ward me just to be safe.
The stay was quite enjoyable and I felt more assured that there were nurses and doctor by my side. An additional scan was arranged just to make sure beanie is ok. I was finally discharged after confirmation that my bleeding had stopped.
All the doctors and nurses couldn't explain why and what happened. So there is no way I can prevent or avoid it.
The next day, I went for Mother's Day lunch with my in-laws and I started to spot. We also visited my TCM doc. She also didn't have an answer, but she did mentioned that beanie was ok. Beanie's weakening trend seemed to have stopped. She will give me medicine to stop/prevent the bleeding and reduce my bloating.
Well, as long as beanie is safe. That is all that matters. And on the upside, I get to see beanie :) and here's the scan pic at 12w3d measuring 5.8cm.
The stay was quite enjoyable and I felt more assured that there were nurses and doctor by my side. An additional scan was arranged just to make sure beanie is ok. I was finally discharged after confirmation that my bleeding had stopped.
All the doctors and nurses couldn't explain why and what happened. So there is no way I can prevent or avoid it.
The next day, I went for Mother's Day lunch with my in-laws and I started to spot. We also visited my TCM doc. She also didn't have an answer, but she did mentioned that beanie was ok. Beanie's weakening trend seemed to have stopped. She will give me medicine to stop/prevent the bleeding and reduce my bloating.
Well, as long as beanie is safe. That is all that matters. And on the upside, I get to see beanie :) and here's the scan pic at 12w3d measuring 5.8cm.
Wednesday, 7 May 2014
11weeks: Beanie is getting weaker
My TCM doc shared that from my pulse, beanie seems to be deteriorating in the last 2 weeks. It seems that beanie doesn't seemed to be growing too well. This news is so disheartening and adds to my myraid of fears and worries. I tried to tell my hubby about my dark feelings but he dismissed them as my preggy hormones speaking.
I did consider going to a private gynae for another scan but I just had a session last week. And my oscar scan is in 11 days. I think I will hang in there and wait for the oscar scan. Beanie, please be strong and please be healthy. You are all I have now so please stick close and grow grow grow!
I did consider going to a private gynae for another scan but I just had a session last week. And my oscar scan is in 11 days. I think I will hang in there and wait for the oscar scan. Beanie, please be strong and please be healthy. You are all I have now so please stick close and grow grow grow!
Monday, 5 May 2014
11weeks: Are we ready to be parents?
Still waiting for my morning sickness symptoms to disappear but it is still hanging around. It is definitely not so serious but it ranges from nausea, giddiness, cramps etc.
Actually the abdominal pains are a little more worrying. I can't tell if it is cramps or bladder aching, constipation or gas pains. At times, it is pulling sensation with every step I take. Other times, it is a poking pain when I shift my posture. Just hope it gets better.
A few nights ago, I couldn't get to sleep and suddenly a lot of thoughts came to my mind. Obviously, these are troubling thoughts and I had a secret crying episode. I guess this is what it means to have your hormones going on an overdrive.
I wondered about my future with my hubby and beanie and it didn't feel good. Hubby seems to be reminding me that he is not interested in being a dad; his exact words are that he is a sperm donor. If it continues, I fear that this would be the end of our family unit cos it is hard for just one person to be holding the fort. I know he is a guy who values his personal space - just focus on his work, end the week with parties and drinking sessions and spend the weekend playing his games.
I can only pray for wisdom, guidance and peace in our marriage. Perhaps we were too hasty or wrong to have a beanie. Perhaps we really don't have what it takes to be a good parent. Or perhaps I am over-worrying and things will work out naturally. But it is tiring to feel so insecure.
Actually the abdominal pains are a little more worrying. I can't tell if it is cramps or bladder aching, constipation or gas pains. At times, it is pulling sensation with every step I take. Other times, it is a poking pain when I shift my posture. Just hope it gets better.
A few nights ago, I couldn't get to sleep and suddenly a lot of thoughts came to my mind. Obviously, these are troubling thoughts and I had a secret crying episode. I guess this is what it means to have your hormones going on an overdrive.
I wondered about my future with my hubby and beanie and it didn't feel good. Hubby seems to be reminding me that he is not interested in being a dad; his exact words are that he is a sperm donor. If it continues, I fear that this would be the end of our family unit cos it is hard for just one person to be holding the fort. I know he is a guy who values his personal space - just focus on his work, end the week with parties and drinking sessions and spend the weekend playing his games.
I can only pray for wisdom, guidance and peace in our marriage. Perhaps we were too hasty or wrong to have a beanie. Perhaps we really don't have what it takes to be a good parent. Or perhaps I am over-worrying and things will work out naturally. But it is tiring to feel so insecure.
Wednesday, 30 April 2014
10weeks: Feeling a little less emo
I think I am in denial stage. Just not thinking too much about the unhappy things. On the other hand, I had a good weekend.
Knowing that I am very picky about my food these days, my hubby decided to go to BK to get me the croissantwich breakfast burger. The next day, we also went to a nearby mall to get some essentials to help with some of the side efforts. He even made an effort to leave work on time and accompany me to an evening gynae visit. These are little things that show hubby itsy bitsy cares for beanie.
And for the 1st time, I was feeling very happy after the scan. For the 1st 2 visits, my mind was always preoccupied with the dilemma. But this time, it was really nice. I didn't have to do a vagina scan. And we saw beanie in a classic teddy bear position - lying on the side with hands and legs pointing at the screen. Beanie even moved the hand a little. And we got to hear that galloping heartbeat. The image of the teddy bear position just got imprinted in my mind. Not too sure if hubby is just as excited (though he didn't show it). Hopefully he will slowly get warmed up to beanie.
Knowing that I am very picky about my food these days, my hubby decided to go to BK to get me the croissantwich breakfast burger. The next day, we also went to a nearby mall to get some essentials to help with some of the side efforts. He even made an effort to leave work on time and accompany me to an evening gynae visit. These are little things that show hubby itsy bitsy cares for beanie.
And for the 1st time, I was feeling very happy after the scan. For the 1st 2 visits, my mind was always preoccupied with the dilemma. But this time, it was really nice. I didn't have to do a vagina scan. And we saw beanie in a classic teddy bear position - lying on the side with hands and legs pointing at the screen. Beanie even moved the hand a little. And we got to hear that galloping heartbeat. The image of the teddy bear position just got imprinted in my mind. Not too sure if hubby is just as excited (though he didn't show it). Hopefully he will slowly get warmed up to beanie.
Beanie at 6w4d
Measuring 3.7mm. He is just a small round white blop on the left of the black shadow. Black area is the water bag.
Beanie at 8w4d
Measuring 2.1cm. He looks like a little white peanut on the top of the black shadow.
Beanie at 10w3d
Measuring 3.7cm. He looks like a teddy bear. Head on the right and lying on the side. The 2 white spots (near the dotted lines) are the fists.
Friday, 25 April 2014
9weeks: Luckily Beanie is still sticking on
Praise the Lord that the scan showed that beanie is growing and sticking to me. He is 2.1mm last week and the estimated due date is postponed from 19 Nov to 21 Nov. Beanie is growing, albeit a little slower than expected.
Doc gave a progesterone jab just to be safe and duphaston is given at highest dose of 3 tablets a day. Bed rest still recommended until the next visit which is in 3 weeks.
On the emotional front - Personally, I find it amazing that I managed to remain so composed during these times. With the crazy hormones, I think things could have really go all out of hand. While I crying lesser, the angst is not any lesser. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a ticking time bomb. At times, I am feeling ok. Yet at times I find myself pretending to be fine. But I can't find that happy me back again. Perhaps not for now and the upcoming months...
Doc gave a progesterone jab just to be safe and duphaston is given at highest dose of 3 tablets a day. Bed rest still recommended until the next visit which is in 3 weeks.
On the emotional front - Personally, I find it amazing that I managed to remain so composed during these times. With the crazy hormones, I think things could have really go all out of hand. While I crying lesser, the angst is not any lesser. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a ticking time bomb. At times, I am feeling ok. Yet at times I find myself pretending to be fine. But I can't find that happy me back again. Perhaps not for now and the upcoming months...
Sunday, 20 April 2014
8weeks: I am gonna have a crybaby (if beanie is meant to be)
Week 8 is the darkest week of my life. My dilemma hit me full blown in the face. Although it is a hard choice, I held on to the hope that perhaps the interest of beanie would be the priority. After all, happy mommy means healthy beanie. Everything status quo gives beanie the best chance of survival.
But I was wrong. Although I tried to prepare myself of this outcome, I wasn't prepared that there was no empathy for beanie in the discussions. It was as if beanie was optional. Good if beanie was meant to be. Nothing lost if beanie wasn't meant to be.
It was this that killed me. The ones who wanted to protect beanie were powerless. The ones who could protect beanie were indifferent. Apart from the pain and anger, a growing sense of guilt was eating me. I hated myself for not having the courage to stand up more for my beanie. At the end of the day, I was also like one of them. I also gave up on beanie, leaving beanie to his fate.
Crying is all I can do now. I really can't help it and I also can't stop wondering... why must we take this risk? Is it worth it and appreciated? Is it a risk that I will regret or just a calculated risk? Should I stand up for beanie again and be demanding? Or should I be mature about it and go with the flow, trying to accept the changes?
I can only pray for guidance and trust in God's plan. It may not be what I wish for now, but his plans would be the best for me. But somewhere deep inside, I can't stop that small glimmer of hope - that perhaps all of us can put ourselves aside for beanie. I also pray that he will help me with my angst, sensitivity and negativity about the uncertainty. After all, no one is obligated to make this easy for me. Lastly, I pray that God will help us to be good and right parents (if he still wants to give us the gift of a beanie). Beanie really only has us to protect him and we need to work together in making the best decisions for him.
But I was wrong. Although I tried to prepare myself of this outcome, I wasn't prepared that there was no empathy for beanie in the discussions. It was as if beanie was optional. Good if beanie was meant to be. Nothing lost if beanie wasn't meant to be.
It was this that killed me. The ones who wanted to protect beanie were powerless. The ones who could protect beanie were indifferent. Apart from the pain and anger, a growing sense of guilt was eating me. I hated myself for not having the courage to stand up more for my beanie. At the end of the day, I was also like one of them. I also gave up on beanie, leaving beanie to his fate.
Crying is all I can do now. I really can't help it and I also can't stop wondering... why must we take this risk? Is it worth it and appreciated? Is it a risk that I will regret or just a calculated risk? Should I stand up for beanie again and be demanding? Or should I be mature about it and go with the flow, trying to accept the changes?
I can only pray for guidance and trust in God's plan. It may not be what I wish for now, but his plans would be the best for me. But somewhere deep inside, I can't stop that small glimmer of hope - that perhaps all of us can put ourselves aside for beanie. I also pray that he will help me with my angst, sensitivity and negativity about the uncertainty. After all, no one is obligated to make this easy for me. Lastly, I pray that God will help us to be good and right parents (if he still wants to give us the gift of a beanie). Beanie really only has us to protect him and we need to work together in making the best decisions for him.
Monday, 14 April 2014
8weeks: First trimester symptoms thus far
The symptoms are sporadic. Today, it could be strong nausea. Tomorrow could be a lot of cramping. And the next after could be bad bloating. But it seems to differ each day. Somehow, I am learning how to manage it better.
Just trying my best to survive through the symptoms. Weirdly, when I went for a pee visit in the middle of the night, I suddenly felt normal - agile and light. As if the bloating is gone, the cramping is gone and the lower abdomen feels empty and flat. Freaked me out quite a bit and the first thought was that the beanie's heartbeat is gone. I immediately said a prayer to calm myself down.
By noon today, the old familiar symptoms are back. Cramping at the lower abdomen, bloating, the bulge above the bladder, tender bust and loss of appetite. Somehow there is something reassuring about these symptoms. It makes me feel that beanie is still there. Such shallow thinking but I am glad.
Tomorrow I will be going for my next gynae visit. Hope to hear that all is well for beanie and me.
- If I am nausea, I will try to sit more and lie less. Because lying down makes you wanna puke.
- If I am cramping, I will use a hand warmer pack to keep the area warm. It seems to numb the pain
- If I am bloating, I will eat more orange peel and wear loose clothings.
- If I am having heart palpitations, I might remove my bra to relieve the pressure.
Just trying my best to survive through the symptoms. Weirdly, when I went for a pee visit in the middle of the night, I suddenly felt normal - agile and light. As if the bloating is gone, the cramping is gone and the lower abdomen feels empty and flat. Freaked me out quite a bit and the first thought was that the beanie's heartbeat is gone. I immediately said a prayer to calm myself down.
By noon today, the old familiar symptoms are back. Cramping at the lower abdomen, bloating, the bulge above the bladder, tender bust and loss of appetite. Somehow there is something reassuring about these symptoms. It makes me feel that beanie is still there. Such shallow thinking but I am glad.
Tomorrow I will be going for my next gynae visit. Hope to hear that all is well for beanie and me.
Thursday, 10 April 2014
7weeks: How is potato and the beanie?
That is what my hubby calls me now - a potato. Because I am an official licensed couch potato. After all the bleeding scares last week, I am a very obedient potato. I no longer crave to go out. I no longer feel inadequate or miserable because I am all cooped up in bed.
In fact, I am learning to be thankful for simple things. If I am nausea, I am thankful that beanie is growing. If I am not nausea, I am even more thankful that I get to enjoy a good moment (while it lasts). My happiest moment is when I visit the toilet and there are no surprises.
First trimester is really not an easy journey. Physically there are a lot of side effects. Emotionally, you can get all crazy. Mentally, it is torturing because you fear for the well-being of the beanie. Sometimes, I will wonder what did I get myself into. If you think the IVF jabs were bad, wait til you reach ER, ET and OHSS. If you think OHSS was bad, wait til you are in the 2ww which will drive you nuts. If you think 2ww was bad, wait til you reach first trimester. It is 6 times as long, with no less of the emotional and physical craziness. And the first trimester seems to be even more fragile for IVF mommies-to-be.
But a simple news will make it all worth while. My TCM doc says the beanie pulse is ok, stronger than the week before. And that's all it matters. The little tortoise (as my TCM doc describes beanie) is still hard at work, growing with all its might. Next week, we will get to see you again at the gynae. Hopefully, we will be able to make out more of you and how you look like. In the meantime, grow beanie grow =)
In fact, I am learning to be thankful for simple things. If I am nausea, I am thankful that beanie is growing. If I am not nausea, I am even more thankful that I get to enjoy a good moment (while it lasts). My happiest moment is when I visit the toilet and there are no surprises.
First trimester is really not an easy journey. Physically there are a lot of side effects. Emotionally, you can get all crazy. Mentally, it is torturing because you fear for the well-being of the beanie. Sometimes, I will wonder what did I get myself into. If you think the IVF jabs were bad, wait til you reach ER, ET and OHSS. If you think OHSS was bad, wait til you are in the 2ww which will drive you nuts. If you think 2ww was bad, wait til you reach first trimester. It is 6 times as long, with no less of the emotional and physical craziness. And the first trimester seems to be even more fragile for IVF mommies-to-be.
But a simple news will make it all worth while. My TCM doc says the beanie pulse is ok, stronger than the week before. And that's all it matters. The little tortoise (as my TCM doc describes beanie) is still hard at work, growing with all its might. Next week, we will get to see you again at the gynae. Hopefully, we will be able to make out more of you and how you look like. In the meantime, grow beanie grow =)
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
Cost of my long protocol
The bill is finally here. Because our IVF was done at a government hospital, we could use our Medisave and the government grant. This means we possibly do not need to fork out any cash. But it is still everyone's favourite question right? How much is it exactly? Here's the rough breakdown:
So what did we pay? Not including the prior visits to the gynae before he recommends us for IVF and the counselling and briefing since it is our 2nd try. These are the small bits:
Before/During IVF:
- Medicine (Puregon 1500unit, Saizen 50unit, Trigger Jab) - $1,735
- Follicle scanning and doctor's review (2 visits) - $780
- Egg retrieval procedures and medicine - $4,700
- Egg transfer procedures, embryo storage and utrogestan capsule 108pcs - $2,100
- TOTAL - $9,315 (Medisave deduction was $3, 025 and the remaining $6,290 from IVF grant)
So what did we pay? Not including the prior visits to the gynae before he recommends us for IVF and the counselling and briefing since it is our 2nd try. These are the small bits:
Before/During IVF:
- Lucrin medicine - $100
- Blood tests (before starting IVF, before ET, end of 2ww) - $150
- Duphaston and folic acid (after BFP) - $120
- Scan and doctor's visit at 6 weeks and more medicine - $140 + $130
- 2 unexpected visits to clinic because of sudden bleeding - $110 + $110
7weeks: Another vaginal scan aka another bloody scare
I was at my TCM doc for my weekly appointment. She says pulse is considered ok, not strong though. Possibly on the weaker side, but it was steady. She then explained that the baby is like the little tortoise - definitely not at the top of the race, but surely slow and steady. I guess, that is good right since the little tortoise did win the race.
I took a cab home right after. Although the cab looked relatively new, the ride felt very bouncy. And the route taken passed by some areas where they are building the new Downline Line and it was bumpy. The moment I got out of the cab, I felt a warm gush below. Another gush came even before I reached my house.
There it was, another burst of strawberry juice that flooded the liner and everything. Wiped it a few times and it refused to stop. Decided to call for a cab and head down to clinic. The doc did a vagina scan and confirmed that all was ok. She couldn't give me another jab cos I had one last Friday. She sent me home and if bleeding persists, I could come back for a jab on Friday *fingers crossed*
First trimester is definitely scary for me. Not having gone through it before made it a lot worrying and unsure. I don't know what is considered mild and what is considered serious. One thing for sure... I still dread the cramps (which seems to be quite frequent) and I definitely hate going to the toilet.
I have been praying hard. Nothing matters more than the beanie. It has been a difficult and worrying first trimester and I hope that beanie will continue to grow strong. Hope for better and happier days ahead!
I took a cab home right after. Although the cab looked relatively new, the ride felt very bouncy. And the route taken passed by some areas where they are building the new Downline Line and it was bumpy. The moment I got out of the cab, I felt a warm gush below. Another gush came even before I reached my house.
There it was, another burst of strawberry juice that flooded the liner and everything. Wiped it a few times and it refused to stop. Decided to call for a cab and head down to clinic. The doc did a vagina scan and confirmed that all was ok. She couldn't give me another jab cos I had one last Friday. She sent me home and if bleeding persists, I could come back for a jab on Friday *fingers crossed*
First trimester is definitely scary for me. Not having gone through it before made it a lot worrying and unsure. I don't know what is considered mild and what is considered serious. One thing for sure... I still dread the cramps (which seems to be quite frequent) and I definitely hate going to the toilet.
I have been praying hard. Nothing matters more than the beanie. It has been a difficult and worrying first trimester and I hope that beanie will continue to grow strong. Hope for better and happier days ahead!
Monday, 31 March 2014
6 weeks: 2 vaginal scans in 3 days and a series of strawberry visits
I had my first vagina scan on last Wed. Because of the nausea, I didn't prepare myself emotionally and mentally for the scan results. In my mind, I had always hoped for twins because I feel it will resolve my dilemma. It is my secret wish and I didn't prepare myself for the fact that it would be a single baby.
My beanie is fine and we saw the flickering heartbeat. But I was distracted and disappointed that it wasn't twins. My whole mind was about the fact that I do not have a solution to my dilemma. What I dread would have to come. That evening, my whole liner was soaked in strawberry juice. But thankfully it was just chocolate juices when I wiped.
The next morning, I was still troubled by the inevitable that would ensue. I cried non-stop, weeping uncontrollably. My mom comforted me. My best friends comforted me but I just couldn't stop crying That night, I saw strawberry juice on the toilet paper. I layed still the whole night, trying my best not to move.
I finally told my hubby in the morning that I cannot handle the dilemma anymore. Perhaps it is best for me to wash my hands out of it. I really cannot bear to think about or act on the dilemma. It just worsens my cramps. All I need to do is to try my best to be a happy mother-to-be because that is the best for beanie. I made my way to KKH 24hr clinic just to make sure that all is ok. The vaginal scan showed that beanie is growing and heartbeat is fine. This time, I was happy to see beanie and the heartbeat.
But it is still hard to keep sad thoughts out of my mind. The dilemma still troubles me because I know it is still there. I make a conscious effort not to think about it. But it decided to appear in my dreams. Once again in the morning, there was a clot of strawberry jam.
I have been on bed rest for the last few days. It took me so many days before I could bring myself to type this post. The bleeding could be caused by my emotional state and/or the vagina scan. Who knows... But I am trying my best to not think about the inevitable because it worsens my cramps. And cramps usually leads to bleeding. But I really don't know how I would be able to get over the trying times if and when it really comes.
And I also wanted to say sorry to God and my beanie, for being so mean and cruel to them. Instead of being thankful for the gift and being happy to see my beanie, I was distracted by my own thoughts and pain. I hope that they would forgive me and give me strength to face my dilemma ahead. Amen.
My beanie is fine and we saw the flickering heartbeat. But I was distracted and disappointed that it wasn't twins. My whole mind was about the fact that I do not have a solution to my dilemma. What I dread would have to come. That evening, my whole liner was soaked in strawberry juice. But thankfully it was just chocolate juices when I wiped.
The next morning, I was still troubled by the inevitable that would ensue. I cried non-stop, weeping uncontrollably. My mom comforted me. My best friends comforted me but I just couldn't stop crying That night, I saw strawberry juice on the toilet paper. I layed still the whole night, trying my best not to move.
I finally told my hubby in the morning that I cannot handle the dilemma anymore. Perhaps it is best for me to wash my hands out of it. I really cannot bear to think about or act on the dilemma. It just worsens my cramps. All I need to do is to try my best to be a happy mother-to-be because that is the best for beanie. I made my way to KKH 24hr clinic just to make sure that all is ok. The vaginal scan showed that beanie is growing and heartbeat is fine. This time, I was happy to see beanie and the heartbeat.
But it is still hard to keep sad thoughts out of my mind. The dilemma still troubles me because I know it is still there. I make a conscious effort not to think about it. But it decided to appear in my dreams. Once again in the morning, there was a clot of strawberry jam.
I have been on bed rest for the last few days. It took me so many days before I could bring myself to type this post. The bleeding could be caused by my emotional state and/or the vagina scan. Who knows... But I am trying my best to not think about the inevitable because it worsens my cramps. And cramps usually leads to bleeding. But I really don't know how I would be able to get over the trying times if and when it really comes.
And I also wanted to say sorry to God and my beanie, for being so mean and cruel to them. Instead of being thankful for the gift and being happy to see my beanie, I was distracted by my own thoughts and pain. I hope that they would forgive me and give me strength to face my dilemma ahead. Amen.
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
6weeks: Waiting for first scan
4 more hours to the first scan! Am I excited about it? Honestly, can't feel excited about it. I think I am totally battered by the symptoms. The feeling of nausea had been particularly bad these few days. Small meals doesn't help. Ginger doesn't help. Orange peel or sweets don't help. Just trying my best to live with it. Hopefully it goes away soon.
The rest of the symptoms are still there - heart-thumping feeling, bloating, backache, no appetite, frequent peeing, cramping, breathlessness, gastric, spotting etc. Sometimes it really gets me down and I am trying my best to be remain positive about being pregnant. I am really hoping that the scan today will give me and my beanies some encouragement.
Symptoms or no symptoms better? I think it is between the devil and the deep blue sea. I belong to those who have symptoms, and possibly getting the bad end of it. It can really break your positivity and there is no way to make me feel better. Yes, I keep telling myself that these are good signs cos beanies are growing. But it doesn't make me feel better. These signs don't guarantee that there is a heartbeat in there. They don't guarantee that the heartbeat will continue to be strong. They don't guarantee anything.
For those who have no symptoms, they have a separate set of worries. Constantly their thoughts are on their beanies and how they are doing. Whether if it is physical discomfort or emotional torture, the first trimester is not an enjoyable period for mothers-to-be. It is just as bad as the 2ww, but over an extended period.
So once again, I think all mommies and mommies-wannabes are super warriors, having to brave this long and trying period. I really hope more mommies-wannabes will graduate and have their BFPs. I also hope that all mommies-to-bes will have a good and smooth pregnancy. Amen!
The rest of the symptoms are still there - heart-thumping feeling, bloating, backache, no appetite, frequent peeing, cramping, breathlessness, gastric, spotting etc. Sometimes it really gets me down and I am trying my best to be remain positive about being pregnant. I am really hoping that the scan today will give me and my beanies some encouragement.
Symptoms or no symptoms better? I think it is between the devil and the deep blue sea. I belong to those who have symptoms, and possibly getting the bad end of it. It can really break your positivity and there is no way to make me feel better. Yes, I keep telling myself that these are good signs cos beanies are growing. But it doesn't make me feel better. These signs don't guarantee that there is a heartbeat in there. They don't guarantee that the heartbeat will continue to be strong. They don't guarantee anything.
For those who have no symptoms, they have a separate set of worries. Constantly their thoughts are on their beanies and how they are doing. Whether if it is physical discomfort or emotional torture, the first trimester is not an enjoyable period for mothers-to-be. It is just as bad as the 2ww, but over an extended period.
So once again, I think all mommies and mommies-wannabes are super warriors, having to brave this long and trying period. I really hope more mommies-wannabes will graduate and have their BFPs. I also hope that all mommies-to-bes will have a good and smooth pregnancy. Amen!
Sunday, 23 March 2014
5weeks: More Symptoms and my TCM doc's diagnosis
I couldn't stop complaining about my side effects to my TCM doc cos it is really uncomfortable. Gastric pangs are common occurrences, kicking in once every 2-3 days.
Bloating is another nemesis. Losing my appetite, causing me nausea and sometimes making me lose my sleep. Cramps are still there and my doc says it is not good to have cramps. But they keep coming and seems to be quite frequent of late. Backaches also seemed particularly bad during the night.
Well, unfortunately my TCM doc says she can't give me medicine to help me expel the gas, but will try to give something for the indigestion. The main bulk of the medicine is still to stabilise the pregnancy, rather than help with the symptoms.
At least there is some mini good news. Doc says the pulse seems better than last week but it is not a perfect pulse yet. Just passably ok. So, I must continue resting more in bed and not walk unnecessary. I am not allowed to even take a stroll around my block.
After the visit to the TCM, another symptom started to appear. It feels like an irregular heartbeat, as if it skips a beat and makes up for it by having a extra hard heartbeat. Feels almost like your heart dropped and came back into position. I am going to see my TCM doc in 2 days so I am gonna ask her about it.
The first scan is gonna be in 3 days, really hope to see the flickering heartbeat on the screen. At least our fears to rest...
Bloating is another nemesis. Losing my appetite, causing me nausea and sometimes making me lose my sleep. Cramps are still there and my doc says it is not good to have cramps. But they keep coming and seems to be quite frequent of late. Backaches also seemed particularly bad during the night.
Well, unfortunately my TCM doc says she can't give me medicine to help me expel the gas, but will try to give something for the indigestion. The main bulk of the medicine is still to stabilise the pregnancy, rather than help with the symptoms.
At least there is some mini good news. Doc says the pulse seems better than last week but it is not a perfect pulse yet. Just passably ok. So, I must continue resting more in bed and not walk unnecessary. I am not allowed to even take a stroll around my block.
After the visit to the TCM, another symptom started to appear. It feels like an irregular heartbeat, as if it skips a beat and makes up for it by having a extra hard heartbeat. Feels almost like your heart dropped and came back into position. I am going to see my TCM doc in 2 days so I am gonna ask her about it.
The first scan is gonna be in 3 days, really hope to see the flickering heartbeat on the screen. At least our fears to rest...
Monday, 17 March 2014
4weeks: Symptoms of early pregnany
I don't really know how to date the pregnancy yet, but I read in forums that the day of the blood test is considered as 4 weeks preggies. The preggie symptoms seem to have intensified, and I was hoping for more relaxed days.
My plan for the symptoms - going to visit my TCM doc as usual. Hopefully she can have some remedy for it. Else I will wait til my first scan and doctor's visit on 26 Mar for more advice.
- Burping - started on 10 Mar, which is about a week ago. Would suddenly have to get up from my sleep just to burp and then go back to sleep.
- Frequent peeing - also started on 10 Mar. I just kept wanting to pee even though there isn't much to pee. Now I pee like twice in an hour in the day and wake up about 2-4 times in the night.
- A little breathless - Seems to happen in the bathroom after a bath. Just feels very stuffy and breathless.
- Bloating - started about 15 Mar. It was clear that I was bloated when I couldn't wear my shorts once again. You can see the pictures below for comparison. The left photo was taken on 2 days back while the right photo was taken after all OHSS symptoms were gone. But the bloating is not as bad as the OHSS experience.
- Nausea - also started about 15 Mar. Possibly caused by the bloating. The bloated tummy was just uncomfortably. At times, I just couldn't sleep cos the tummy was in the way.
- Loss in appetite - Possibly another side effect from the bloating. Couldn't squeeze in much food. Had to nibble every hour. It took me 3 hours to finish a tub of KFC mashed potato. I ate not because I am hungry, but more of a self-assurance cos it is weird not be eating so little.
- Gastric attack - Possibly because of the drop in appetite. I had my 1st gastric attack on 16 Mar at 5am. Quickly ate half a slice of bread and drank gaviscon. Had to sleep sitting up and finally the gastric subsided. Coincidentally, gaviscon also reduced the bloating and I finally felt hungry for lunch. Could eat a little more which felt really good. But the bloating worsened again that evening. I didn't want to keep relying on gaviscon for the bloating so I am tolerating the discomfort until the next gastric attacks.
My plan for the symptoms - going to visit my TCM doc as usual. Hopefully she can have some remedy for it. Else I will wait til my first scan and doctor's visit on 26 Mar for more advice.
Saturday, 15 March 2014
17dp2dt: Vengence against the pee stick
Today, I did the silliest thing ever, but I had a great time doing it; giggling and smiling all the way through.
Hubby and I are married for more than 6 years. For the 1st year, he suddenly told me that he didn't want to have kids. I totally felt cheated cos that was not the plan that we had been discussing about. But he finally relented after 1 year.
For the following 5 years and 4 months, we have been on this TTC journey. We tried almost everything and one of the most direct forward method was using ovulation strips. I have bought countless of ovulation strips and lost count of the number of times I peed on a pregnancy test kit. The ovulation strips were particularly challenging. The cheaper ones require you to compare the colour of the lines. Sometimes, I would even imagine that that there was a faint line. I eventually gave up and bought the expensive digital type. It would show a smiley face if ovulation is near. But It was always negative. I tried at least 40-50 of those expensive ovulation kits and never once did it show a successful result.
So I am going to break this curse. Even though the blood test result is out, I still decided to pee on the stick. And yes, as expected, there it was. It obediently indicated 'pregnant'. Finally, I have won over the pee stick! Wahahahah! *Evil laughter* Revenge taken.
Symptoms wise, I am starting to feel very bloated. I didn't have a good nights' sleep cos of the bloated tummy. Somehow, there wasn't a sleeping position that felt right and comfortable. The feeling of nausea is also getting stronger and I am trying my best not to vomit. Right now, I am trying to have small meals every 2 hours. Hopefully that will help. While I envy those whose bodies are able to handle the symptoms better, but there is also a thankful voice in my head. As long as my beanies grow well, I will try my best to survive through these discomfort.
Hubby and I are married for more than 6 years. For the 1st year, he suddenly told me that he didn't want to have kids. I totally felt cheated cos that was not the plan that we had been discussing about. But he finally relented after 1 year.
For the following 5 years and 4 months, we have been on this TTC journey. We tried almost everything and one of the most direct forward method was using ovulation strips. I have bought countless of ovulation strips and lost count of the number of times I peed on a pregnancy test kit. The ovulation strips were particularly challenging. The cheaper ones require you to compare the colour of the lines. Sometimes, I would even imagine that that there was a faint line. I eventually gave up and bought the expensive digital type. It would show a smiley face if ovulation is near. But It was always negative. I tried at least 40-50 of those expensive ovulation kits and never once did it show a successful result.
So I am going to break this curse. Even though the blood test result is out, I still decided to pee on the stick. And yes, as expected, there it was. It obediently indicated 'pregnant'. Finally, I have won over the pee stick! Wahahahah! *Evil laughter* Revenge taken.
Friday, 14 March 2014
16dp2dt: Happy Friday Again + Praise and Glory to God
Today is Blood Test Day! Woke up real early this morning and headed to the IVF clinic for the blood test. Took a whole hour to reach the clinic because of the morning peak hour traffic. Gave me a real bad case of nausea cos of the stopping and jerking. Finally reached the clinic at 8am.
The nurse finished the blood extraction in less than 5mins and it is done. Time to head home and wait for the call. The call came at 10.45am. It IS A BFP!!!! Coincidentally, my hubby is working from home on some urgent assignment. He possibly overhead the conversation and guessed the positive news. He took my hand and gave it a good shake, turned about and went back to his room to continue working on the laptop. Such an anti-climax. Hahaha!
All is good finally. The hcg level is a high 600. My mom broke down crying while my dad called immediately to offer his congratulations. It is mixed feelings for me cos my parents are unlikely able to stay with me due to certain situation. I would really wish for my mom to look after me until I give birth. After all, who can beat your own mother's love for you. But it would possibly be asking too much out of the current situation.
THANK YOU MOM!
I don't know how I am going to handle the pain of them moving away. I will miss her care and concern. Throughout this journey, she has worked the hardest. She would always check with me the day before and cook what I want to eat. Everything is freshly cooked cos overnight food is not healthy. She wakes up 4-5am to prepare my breakfast and lunch and bring me a warm glass of milk at 6.30am. She then heads off the work and comes home about 3pm, in time to bring me teatime snack. She starts cleaning the house, vacuuming, mopping, washing and ironing. Home-cooked dinner is served at 6pm and I get supper at 11pm before we head off the bed. The meals are so frequent cos I can't eat much and it helps to prevent gastric.
She is also my nurse, accompanying me to all my scans and appointments (while trying to manage her shift work). And she administers all my injections, often breaking out in cold sweat while doing it cos it is so stressful. She is the greatest contributor behind this BFP. Thank You Mom!
But all is in God's hand and his plans. Maybe God wants to lighten her burden and let her to rest a little more. Maybe God will give her the opportunity to continue being with us. Let's pray for faith and trust in his plans. Amen.
And praise and glory to the lord for this BFP, because all children are gifts from God. There is only so much the doctor could do. There is only so much we could do. There are many things out of our control and it is him who has made all these possible.
The nurse finished the blood extraction in less than 5mins and it is done. Time to head home and wait for the call. The call came at 10.45am. It IS A BFP!!!! Coincidentally, my hubby is working from home on some urgent assignment. He possibly overhead the conversation and guessed the positive news. He took my hand and gave it a good shake, turned about and went back to his room to continue working on the laptop. Such an anti-climax. Hahaha!
All is good finally. The hcg level is a high 600. My mom broke down crying while my dad called immediately to offer his congratulations. It is mixed feelings for me cos my parents are unlikely able to stay with me due to certain situation. I would really wish for my mom to look after me until I give birth. After all, who can beat your own mother's love for you. But it would possibly be asking too much out of the current situation.
THANK YOU MOM!
I don't know how I am going to handle the pain of them moving away. I will miss her care and concern. Throughout this journey, she has worked the hardest. She would always check with me the day before and cook what I want to eat. Everything is freshly cooked cos overnight food is not healthy. She wakes up 4-5am to prepare my breakfast and lunch and bring me a warm glass of milk at 6.30am. She then heads off the work and comes home about 3pm, in time to bring me teatime snack. She starts cleaning the house, vacuuming, mopping, washing and ironing. Home-cooked dinner is served at 6pm and I get supper at 11pm before we head off the bed. The meals are so frequent cos I can't eat much and it helps to prevent gastric.
She is also my nurse, accompanying me to all my scans and appointments (while trying to manage her shift work). And she administers all my injections, often breaking out in cold sweat while doing it cos it is so stressful. She is the greatest contributor behind this BFP. Thank You Mom!
But all is in God's hand and his plans. Maybe God wants to lighten her burden and let her to rest a little more. Maybe God will give her the opportunity to continue being with us. Let's pray for faith and trust in his plans. Amen.
And praise and glory to the lord for this BFP, because all children are gifts from God. There is only so much the doctor could do. There is only so much we could do. There are many things out of our control and it is him who has made all these possible.
Thursday, 13 March 2014
15dp2dt: Butterflies in the tummy
1 more day to blood test. Yes, can't help but feel very anxious and unsettled. The anxiety mounts with each day, each hour and each minute. The days are starting to feel longer and draggy.
The symptoms so far have been better than expected. The spotting has stopped since Monday. It could have been the lotus root water coupled with my TCM medicine. I visited my TCM doc on Tuesday. She mentioned that the pulse was weak, particularly the womb. She gave medicine to strengthen the womb and stop the spotting. I have been burping a little more since Monday while the cramps seemed to have subsided a little.
Each day, I pray hard. I pray for faith in God's plan, whatever it may be. I pray for bountiful blessing and God's grace to be on us. I pray that God will give us gifts of children. I pray that God is the center of my world, as he continues to guide me. There are 3 songs that I love. The lyric never fails to give me strength and peace, and I hope it does the same for you.
Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for the post tomorrow. BFP BPF BFP BFP BFP!!! With a good level of hcg!
The symptoms so far have been better than expected. The spotting has stopped since Monday. It could have been the lotus root water coupled with my TCM medicine. I visited my TCM doc on Tuesday. She mentioned that the pulse was weak, particularly the womb. She gave medicine to strengthen the womb and stop the spotting. I have been burping a little more since Monday while the cramps seemed to have subsided a little.
Each day, I pray hard. I pray for faith in God's plan, whatever it may be. I pray for bountiful blessing and God's grace to be on us. I pray that God will give us gifts of children. I pray that God is the center of my world, as he continues to guide me. There are 3 songs that I love. The lyric never fails to give me strength and peace, and I hope it does the same for you.
Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for the post tomorrow. BFP BPF BFP BFP BFP!!! With a good level of hcg!
Monday, 10 March 2014
12dp2dt: Praying for unexciting days
4 more days to the blood test results! Excited? Honestly, I don't know. The blood test is not the end. You need a good level of bhcg (above 250 units) to confirm your pregnancy. After that, you continue to worry if your bhcg is doubling every day. And then you wait for your first ultrasound where you hope to see the sac and hear the baby's heartbeat. And then, maybe you can heave a sigh of relief.
Or the blood test can also just give you a direct hit with no signs of implantation. And then you are left feeling down and out with all the unanswered 'whys' in your head.
But I am definitely feeling very very thankful. There has been daily cramping since 7dp2dt. The pain seemed to have intensified a bit more over the last 2 days. Light spotting also started yesterday, but this is a vast improvement from my first cycle. During my first cycle, I was already seeing clots of strawberry jam at this time.
Going to the toilet still scares me but we will have to face reality. But it gives me the opportunity to thank God every time it looks white as snow, and to pray harder when I see anything else. The dice is possibly already cast, we just need to wait for the best time to know the definite outcome.
Anyway, I am starting to drink lotus root water. Just boil lotus root in water and drink it warm. My TCM doc mentioned that it might help with the spotting/bleeding. Of course, rest in bed more, which is what I am doing. Though I am just possibly deluding myself cos sitting upright on the bed is possibly not that helpful.
Or the blood test can also just give you a direct hit with no signs of implantation. And then you are left feeling down and out with all the unanswered 'whys' in your head.
But I am definitely feeling very very thankful. There has been daily cramping since 7dp2dt. The pain seemed to have intensified a bit more over the last 2 days. Light spotting also started yesterday, but this is a vast improvement from my first cycle. During my first cycle, I was already seeing clots of strawberry jam at this time.
Going to the toilet still scares me but we will have to face reality. But it gives me the opportunity to thank God every time it looks white as snow, and to pray harder when I see anything else. The dice is possibly already cast, we just need to wait for the best time to know the definite outcome.
Anyway, I am starting to drink lotus root water. Just boil lotus root in water and drink it warm. My TCM doc mentioned that it might help with the spotting/bleeding. Of course, rest in bed more, which is what I am doing. Though I am just possibly deluding myself cos sitting upright on the bed is possibly not that helpful.
Friday, 7 March 2014
9dp2dt: Happy Friday!
One more week to the blood test! Re-reading my old posts made me realised that I am in a better state now, both physically and mentally. Having sat on the IVF roller-coaster before makes you more aware of the twists and turns. In fact, it gives you a second chance to enjoy the ride a little more, feel the breeze through your hair before the ride comes to a gentle halt.
Emotionally, it is less volatile this time. Yes, I still had a meltdown yesterday. I was lounging on the bed (after enjoying my mom's home-cooked lunch) with music playing in the background as I type away on my laptop. Honestly, it was pure joy and relaxation. And there it was. Because I was feeling so blessed, I suddenly felt a huge fear that this blessing would be taken away. The thoughts spiralled so fast that I was just bawling and shaking uncontrollably on the bed. And suddenly I hear my favourite chorus play and the world stopped spinning. The lyrics goes:
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side
All is fine now. I have returned to my la-la land. As the lyric says it all, there is nothing to fear. If it doesn't work out, we will just try again. In worse case, there is nothing bad being just 2 of us. But of course I am still greedy, praying for that twin pregnancy or even the rare triplets pregnancy to happen. Well, God is generous so why not just ask? And I wanna share this link of this very good article that will help calm your mind =) http://www.trulymind.com/8-things-to-remember-when-everything-goes-wrong/
So Happy Friday everyone!
Emotionally, it is less volatile this time. Yes, I still had a meltdown yesterday. I was lounging on the bed (after enjoying my mom's home-cooked lunch) with music playing in the background as I type away on my laptop. Honestly, it was pure joy and relaxation. And there it was. Because I was feeling so blessed, I suddenly felt a huge fear that this blessing would be taken away. The thoughts spiralled so fast that I was just bawling and shaking uncontrollably on the bed. And suddenly I hear my favourite chorus play and the world stopped spinning. The lyrics goes:
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side
All is fine now. I have returned to my la-la land. As the lyric says it all, there is nothing to fear. If it doesn't work out, we will just try again. In worse case, there is nothing bad being just 2 of us. But of course I am still greedy, praying for that twin pregnancy or even the rare triplets pregnancy to happen. Well, God is generous so why not just ask? And I wanna share this link of this very good article that will help calm your mind =) http://www.trulymind.com/8-things-to-remember-when-everything-goes-wrong/
So Happy Friday everyone!
Thursday, 6 March 2014
Just some funny moments about OHSS
There is nothing funny about OHSS but I did relish some moments 'pretending' to be preggies.
Funny Moment #1: Here's a photo for you all to gasp at. It shows the extent of the bloating, which is almost at its max. The cloth at the tummy is a belly warmer that I got from Daiso to keep the womb warm. I can almost pass this photo off as a 6-month preggie shot!
Funny Moment #2: I walked into 24hr clinic at the IVF clinic. The nurse at the triage asked me immediately, 'Mdm, how many weeks are you and what is wrong?'. I sheepishly whispered, 'IVF bloating, all gas in there'. It was quite a funny moment! Hahaha! That I could even fool a nurse that I am preggies.
Funny Moment #3: I was feeling ill in a crowded train, especially with the jerking and the need to keep balance. I decided to gently nudge the shoulder of this gentlemen, pointed at my tummy and asked for his seat. He sprang up right away and apologised profusely. Well, might as well make good use of my gassy tummy!
Funny Moment #1: Here's a photo for you all to gasp at. It shows the extent of the bloating, which is almost at its max. The cloth at the tummy is a belly warmer that I got from Daiso to keep the womb warm. I can almost pass this photo off as a 6-month preggie shot!
Funny Moment #3: I was feeling ill in a crowded train, especially with the jerking and the need to keep balance. I decided to gently nudge the shoulder of this gentlemen, pointed at my tummy and asked for his seat. He sprang up right away and apologised profusely. Well, might as well make good use of my gassy tummy!
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
Summary Part 3 - So what helped in this cycle vs last cycle
IN TERMS OF EGG NUMBERS AND QUALITY
Higher Dose of Puregon
Resulted in 35 eggs compared to 23 eggs. Possibly this was not part of the plan, but I did get more eggs this round.
Long Protocol versus Short Protocol
Resulted in 17 mature eggs (49%) compared to 9 eggs (39%). Not too much of an increase in terms of percentage but it did help when you look at the absolute numbers.
Saizen
Resulted in 6 good embryos (35%) compared to 1 embryo (11%). A marked increase in successful fertilisation rate. I was personally hoping that I would be happy with 2 good embryos. It is a great blessing and comfort from God to be able to have extra for freezing.
No Pay Leave
I think I was pretty much in a relaxed mode throughout the stimulation phrase and it sure can't be bad for the the eggs to be growing in a worry-free environment filled with daily enjoyment and positivity. Well, it is not something that can be proven but you can't deny that it is the topping on the ice-cream =)
IN TERMS OF SURVIVING OHSS
Immunocal
I don't know if it helps but I started Immunocal earlier this time:
I practically stopped drinking water all together from egg retrieval onwards. Any liquid intake was H20. I felt that H20 was better than 100plus, as the latter was gassy (which adds to the bloat). I also started to dilute my H20 from 3dp2dt cos of a urinary tract infection. So I drank half part H20 with half part water to help with the infection.
Dostinex
This tablet was prescribed by the doctor right after my egg retrieval of 35 eggs. It is supposed to be taken nightly for 8 nights. It did help to reduce the bloating, allowing me to sleep on side most of the nights. In the morning, the bloating would always feel better as it starts to intensify through the day again culminating at its tightest from 5pm onwards.
Because of my OHSS, urinary tract infection and flu, I have not been able to have a specialised diet. Yes, I have stocked up tonnes of black chicken, brazil nuts, red dates, longan, wolfberries in the fridge but none were used.
Today is 7dp2dt. My days are spent in bed, either watching serials or updating my blog on my laptop. I try not to move about so much as there is a lower abdominal cramp happening these 2 days. My utmost task is to drink as much water and get my flu symptoms out of the way.
FYI - my TCM doc told me yesterday that my pulse has almost OK which is excellent news. During my last cycle, she just kept shaking her head and saying the pulse is very weak. Hopefully God will continue to bless my journey, and give me fruits in the womb; children that we will bring up in his name, according to his will. And yes, greedy little me hopes for twinnies! Amen!
Higher Dose of Puregon
Resulted in 35 eggs compared to 23 eggs. Possibly this was not part of the plan, but I did get more eggs this round.
Long Protocol versus Short Protocol
Resulted in 17 mature eggs (49%) compared to 9 eggs (39%). Not too much of an increase in terms of percentage but it did help when you look at the absolute numbers.
Saizen
Resulted in 6 good embryos (35%) compared to 1 embryo (11%). A marked increase in successful fertilisation rate. I was personally hoping that I would be happy with 2 good embryos. It is a great blessing and comfort from God to be able to have extra for freezing.
No Pay Leave
I think I was pretty much in a relaxed mode throughout the stimulation phrase and it sure can't be bad for the the eggs to be growing in a worry-free environment filled with daily enjoyment and positivity. Well, it is not something that can be proven but you can't deny that it is the topping on the ice-cream =)
IN TERMS OF SURVIVING OHSS
Immunocal
I don't know if it helps but I started Immunocal earlier this time:
- 1x a day since 17 Feb which is Day 5 of stimulation
- 2x a day since 19 Feb which is trigger day
- 3x a day since 24 Feb which is egg retrieval day. Stopped only on 3 Mar which is 5dp2dt
I practically stopped drinking water all together from egg retrieval onwards. Any liquid intake was H20. I felt that H20 was better than 100plus, as the latter was gassy (which adds to the bloat). I also started to dilute my H20 from 3dp2dt cos of a urinary tract infection. So I drank half part H20 with half part water to help with the infection.
Dostinex
This tablet was prescribed by the doctor right after my egg retrieval of 35 eggs. It is supposed to be taken nightly for 8 nights. It did help to reduce the bloating, allowing me to sleep on side most of the nights. In the morning, the bloating would always feel better as it starts to intensify through the day again culminating at its tightest from 5pm onwards.
Because of my OHSS, urinary tract infection and flu, I have not been able to have a specialised diet. Yes, I have stocked up tonnes of black chicken, brazil nuts, red dates, longan, wolfberries in the fridge but none were used.
Today is 7dp2dt. My days are spent in bed, either watching serials or updating my blog on my laptop. I try not to move about so much as there is a lower abdominal cramp happening these 2 days. My utmost task is to drink as much water and get my flu symptoms out of the way.
FYI - my TCM doc told me yesterday that my pulse has almost OK which is excellent news. During my last cycle, she just kept shaking her head and saying the pulse is very weak. Hopefully God will continue to bless my journey, and give me fruits in the womb; children that we will bring up in his name, according to his will. And yes, greedy little me hopes for twinnies! Amen!
Summary Part 2 - My Side Effects to Long Protocol
All was fine until 19 Feb 2014 onward, which is about after 7 days of stimulation.
DURING STIMULATION
19-22 Feb 2014 - Bloating started and slowly the gamut of symptoms showed up, consisting of nausea, achy bones, cramps, occasional bouts of gastric.
23 Feb 2014 - Felt a crampy lower abdominal pain every time I pee.
AFTER EGG RETRIEVAL
24/25 Feb 2014 - Bloating worsened after egg retrieval. Nausea and occasional gagging became common.
AFTER EGG TRANSFER
26 Feb 2014 - Bloating intensified after egg transfer. Unable to stomach much food because of the bloating. Very nausea but unable to vomit any substance from tummy. Very little pee. Couldn't sleep that night.
27 Feb 2014 - Bloating continued, resulting in difficulty in walking as there was pain at the abdominal area and cramps at the lower abdominal area. Gastric attack in the morning. Nausea still present and very little pee. Able to sleep on side that night, but woke up every 30mins to burp acidic gas.
28 Feb 2014 - Lesser pain in walking but came down with urinary tract infection. Kept breaking out in cold sweat which could last 1-2 hours. Continued to be nauseous. Tried to drink as much as possible. Pee increased slightly. Able to sleep on side that night with frequent and regular waking up to burp acidic gas.
1 Mar 2014 - Nausea subsided but bloating at its maximum. Couldn't stand up straight as skin was too taut. Bloating so extreme that it was painful to breath while sitting down. Continued to drink more water and pee increased. Went to 24hr IVF clinic and did blood test and urine test. Cleared of OHSS. Was given antacid to reduce the bloating. Able to sleep on side with regular waking up to burp acidic gas.
2 Mar 2014 - Bloating continued. Skin still taut when standing. Drinking and peeing no longer a problem. Able to crave for food but couldn't eat much due to bloating. Appetite continued to be small. Started to have frequent sneezing and running nose. Able to sleep on side and lesser occurrence of acidic gas burping.
3 Mar 2014 - Felt tummy rumble in hunger for the first time this week. Skin still taut when standing. Able to eat more small meals. Running nose and sneezing continued and started to have sore throat. Drinking as much water as possible. Able to sleep almost normally but still waking up for acidic gas burping.
4 Mar 2014 - Bloating seemed to have subsided a little. Skin less taut and able to stand up straight. Sore throat worsened, while running nose had subsided. Starting to feel lower abdominal cramps. Able to sleep normal but waking up twice or trice for acidic gas burping.
I think I am almost recovered from OHSS with some remnants. The OHSS was more intense this time but somehow it felt shorter as well, possibly due to more pre-preparation and help from the IVF clinic. Very glad to have survived it again with the help and grace of God. OHSS is an experience that can literally tear your spirit and gnaw at your soul.
DURING STIMULATION
19-22 Feb 2014 - Bloating started and slowly the gamut of symptoms showed up, consisting of nausea, achy bones, cramps, occasional bouts of gastric.
23 Feb 2014 - Felt a crampy lower abdominal pain every time I pee.
AFTER EGG RETRIEVAL
24/25 Feb 2014 - Bloating worsened after egg retrieval. Nausea and occasional gagging became common.
AFTER EGG TRANSFER
26 Feb 2014 - Bloating intensified after egg transfer. Unable to stomach much food because of the bloating. Very nausea but unable to vomit any substance from tummy. Very little pee. Couldn't sleep that night.
27 Feb 2014 - Bloating continued, resulting in difficulty in walking as there was pain at the abdominal area and cramps at the lower abdominal area. Gastric attack in the morning. Nausea still present and very little pee. Able to sleep on side that night, but woke up every 30mins to burp acidic gas.
28 Feb 2014 - Lesser pain in walking but came down with urinary tract infection. Kept breaking out in cold sweat which could last 1-2 hours. Continued to be nauseous. Tried to drink as much as possible. Pee increased slightly. Able to sleep on side that night with frequent and regular waking up to burp acidic gas.
1 Mar 2014 - Nausea subsided but bloating at its maximum. Couldn't stand up straight as skin was too taut. Bloating so extreme that it was painful to breath while sitting down. Continued to drink more water and pee increased. Went to 24hr IVF clinic and did blood test and urine test. Cleared of OHSS. Was given antacid to reduce the bloating. Able to sleep on side with regular waking up to burp acidic gas.
2 Mar 2014 - Bloating continued. Skin still taut when standing. Drinking and peeing no longer a problem. Able to crave for food but couldn't eat much due to bloating. Appetite continued to be small. Started to have frequent sneezing and running nose. Able to sleep on side and lesser occurrence of acidic gas burping.
3 Mar 2014 - Felt tummy rumble in hunger for the first time this week. Skin still taut when standing. Able to eat more small meals. Running nose and sneezing continued and started to have sore throat. Drinking as much water as possible. Able to sleep almost normally but still waking up for acidic gas burping.
4 Mar 2014 - Bloating seemed to have subsided a little. Skin less taut and able to stand up straight. Sore throat worsened, while running nose had subsided. Starting to feel lower abdominal cramps. Able to sleep normal but waking up twice or trice for acidic gas burping.
I think I am almost recovered from OHSS with some remnants. The OHSS was more intense this time but somehow it felt shorter as well, possibly due to more pre-preparation and help from the IVF clinic. Very glad to have survived it again with the help and grace of God. OHSS is an experience that can literally tear your spirit and gnaw at your soul.
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
Summary Part 1 - The Process of Long Protocol IVF
14 Dec 2013 Stage 1a - Starting on Nor-E
Nor-E is an oral medication that you start taking once your period reports. You can opt to pre-collect this medicine or collect it when your period starts. I opted for the latter in case I misplace the med. Do give the IVF clinic a call just to let them know that you are starting the Nor-E. After 21 days of Nor-E, you just wait for your period to report again.
7 Jan 2014 Stage 1b - Period reports
Give the IVF clinic a call once full flow is here. They will ask you to come down to collect the Lucrin jab medication on Day 21 after your period. Hubby will have to accompany you for this visit as both are needed for a blood test.
28 Jan 2014 Stage 2 - Starting on Lucrin jabs (10units)
You will be given one month's supply of Lucrin. Lucrin jabs are self-administered every morning for 16 days and then you visit the IVF clinic for a blood test and scan. During the 16 days of injections, your period should have reported.
13 Feb 2014 Stage 3a - Adding Puregon jab (200units) and Saizen jab (5units)
Period reported on 13 Feb 2014, the day of my appointment at the IVF clinic. I collected a week's supply on Lucrin, Puregon and Saizen, which are to be self-administered every morning. Next visit is on 20 Feb 2014 for a scan to assess the growth of the follicles.
Starting to feel bloating, nausea, cramps, achy bones, occasional bouts of gastric from 19 Feb 2014 onwards.
Follicles are growing well on 20 Feb 2014 and told to come back the next day for a scan. Continued Lucrin jabs until 22 Feb 2014 while Puregon and Saizen ended on 21 Feb 2014. Trigger shot was given on 22 Feb 2014.
24 Feb 2014 Stage 4 - Egg retrieval
A total of 35 eggs were retrieved. Immediately given 8 days of Dostinex to prepare for oncoming OHSS.
OVERVIEW
Nor-E is an oral medication that you start taking once your period reports. You can opt to pre-collect this medicine or collect it when your period starts. I opted for the latter in case I misplace the med. Do give the IVF clinic a call just to let them know that you are starting the Nor-E. After 21 days of Nor-E, you just wait for your period to report again.
7 Jan 2014 Stage 1b - Period reports
Give the IVF clinic a call once full flow is here. They will ask you to come down to collect the Lucrin jab medication on Day 21 after your period. Hubby will have to accompany you for this visit as both are needed for a blood test.
28 Jan 2014 Stage 2 - Starting on Lucrin jabs (10units)
You will be given one month's supply of Lucrin. Lucrin jabs are self-administered every morning for 16 days and then you visit the IVF clinic for a blood test and scan. During the 16 days of injections, your period should have reported.
13 Feb 2014 Stage 3a - Adding Puregon jab (200units) and Saizen jab (5units)
Period reported on 13 Feb 2014, the day of my appointment at the IVF clinic. I collected a week's supply on Lucrin, Puregon and Saizen, which are to be self-administered every morning. Next visit is on 20 Feb 2014 for a scan to assess the growth of the follicles.
Starting to feel bloating, nausea, cramps, achy bones, occasional bouts of gastric from 19 Feb 2014 onwards.
Follicles are growing well on 20 Feb 2014 and told to come back the next day for a scan. Continued Lucrin jabs until 22 Feb 2014 while Puregon and Saizen ended on 21 Feb 2014. Trigger shot was given on 22 Feb 2014.
24 Feb 2014 Stage 4 - Egg retrieval
A total of 35 eggs were retrieved. Immediately given 8 days of Dostinex to prepare for oncoming OHSS.
OVERVIEW
- 26 DAYS OF INJECTIONS AND 45 INJECTIONS ADMINISTERED
- 35 EGGS RETRIEVED
- 17 EGGS MATURED AND INJECTED WITH A SPERM
- 10 FERTILISED AND 9 MULTIPLIED INTO EMBRYOS
- 6 EMBRYOS WERE ASSESSED TO BE OF GOOD QUALITY
Sunday, 2 March 2014
4dp2dt: Distension and my bloating
Since my last experience with ohss, I had a strong fear of the night. It always felt very long, dark and lonely. It never fails to envelope me with a utter sense of helplessness as I gritted through my pain.
But this time, I didn't have that feeling. Maybe my faith has grown. I always feel that God would be beside me. If I am tired, he will carry me. Yes, at times I still will doubt his love amidst the challenges. But he is surely my light in my darkness.
The symptoms are definitely stronger this round. My bloating is so bad that my skin is totally taut. I can't stand or sit or lie down. Even when I breathe, it hurts.
I had no choice but to visit the 24hr clinic at the IVF clinic last night. My urine test and blood test showed that I am cleared of ohss. Oh my gosh, this is a miracle! This is unbelievable!
The doctor says my condition is called distension and sent me home with 2 bottles of gastric medicine.
Well, the medicine is not so helpful with the distension but at least I can sit today. And I finally felt my first tinge of hunger in 1 week! I still can't eat much cos it adds pressure to the bloating. But at least it is a one step forward. I couldn't be more thankful for his grace!
Saturday, 1 March 2014
3dp2dt: Praise the Lord
I am bloating very very badly. Not only is my tummy rock hard, I could hardly stand straight because of the pain of the stretch. Any morsel of food or drop of drink just serve to make the bloating worse.
I never thought I was able to sleep. I was totally clueless and tried different permutations. They just make me vomit or burp or gag.
Amidst the darkness, it just amplifies my misery and helplessness. All I could do is pray and I kept praying. Suddenly a symbol appeared in my mind which looks like this pointed < bracket. I summoned my course to lie down and tried to keep my body, hands and legs in this shape. It worked!!!! I could snooze off for about 30 - 45mins before having to wake up and burp.
The rest of the night, I just opened my heart and tried to get some guidance on what sleeping positions from God. It was miraculous that the quality of sleep is a really considered good!
But the hardest of the bloating returned in the morning. I called the ivf clinic but their only advice is to drink more water and pee. With this bloating, how am I to drink more water. It is just introducing more air to a bursting balloon.
I never thought I was able to sleep. I was totally clueless and tried different permutations. They just make me vomit or burp or gag.
Amidst the darkness, it just amplifies my misery and helplessness. All I could do is pray and I kept praying. Suddenly a symbol appeared in my mind which looks like this pointed < bracket. I summoned my course to lie down and tried to keep my body, hands and legs in this shape. It worked!!!! I could snooze off for about 30 - 45mins before having to wake up and burp.
The rest of the night, I just opened my heart and tried to get some guidance on what sleeping positions from God. It was miraculous that the quality of sleep is a really considered good!
But the hardest of the bloating returned in the morning. I called the ivf clinic but their only advice is to drink more water and pee. With this bloating, how am I to drink more water. It is just introducing more air to a bursting balloon.
Friday, 28 February 2014
2dp2dt: Adding oil to fire
I am very thankful for God's grace. Last night, I could lie down. Although I couldn't sleep, but being able to lie on my side is a great luxury. I could catch 40 winks every 30mins before having to jump up to burp or gag.
But other symptoms continue to worsen and new symptoms join them. Due to the problem in peeing, it possibly resulted in a urinary tract infection.
I also started to have very bad cold sweat attacks. My whole body gets all cold and clammy and I keep perspiring. This situation could last over 90 mins?!?!?!?!
Tcm doc says it is a result of the body being weak. She can't do much for me. We just have to wait out the ohss symptoms.
Praying so frequently for comfort, strength, health and faith in this very difficult journey. Amen!
But other symptoms continue to worsen and new symptoms join them. Due to the problem in peeing, it possibly resulted in a urinary tract infection.
I also started to have very bad cold sweat attacks. My whole body gets all cold and clammy and I keep perspiring. This situation could last over 90 mins?!?!?!?!
Tcm doc says it is a result of the body being weak. She can't do much for me. We just have to wait out the ohss symptoms.
Praying so frequently for comfort, strength, health and faith in this very difficult journey. Amen!
Thursday, 27 February 2014
1dp2dt: Miserably 辛苦
My symptoms started like 5 days before egg retrieval - the bloating, the nausea, the achy bones, the burping, but I was still able to sleep. My tcm doc says pulse is still ok.
After egg retrieval, the symptoms worsened. I was bloating with a rock hard tummy as if I was 6 months pregnant. The cramps and abdominal pain kicked in with every step I taken. I also had problem in peeing. I was given dostinex to help with the bloating. That helped me get some rest at night.
My tcm doc confirmed that pulse has weakened. She decided to do acupuncture to help reduce the bloating.
Blood test showed that I had mild ohss but it was ok to proceed with egg transfer. After egg transfer, all symptoms intensified!
After egg retrieval, the symptoms worsened. I was bloating with a rock hard tummy as if I was 6 months pregnant. The cramps and abdominal pain kicked in with every step I taken. I also had problem in peeing. I was given dostinex to help with the bloating. That helped me get some rest at night.
My tcm doc confirmed that pulse has weakened. She decided to do acupuncture to help reduce the bloating.
Blood test showed that I had mild ohss but it was ok to proceed with egg transfer. After egg transfer, all symptoms intensified!
- My tummy felt as it was trying to burst from within. I can no longer lie on my back or side or slouch. Needless to say, I hardly slept last night.
- My nausea worsened and the urge of wanting to vomit is very strong. Uncontrollably, I keep gagging and that makes it worse.
- Occasional gastric remains since I have totally no appetite. Anything I put in my mouth worsens the bloating and nausea.
- With each step, my bloated tummy hurts together with the cramps. I was told that walking will help reduce bloating but it is between the devil and the deep blue sea.
- Achy and crispy bones add to my misery.
- Breaking to frequent cold sweat possibly arising from the fear of the discomfort.
I don't think it is pain. But it is a huge discomfort, utterly miserable and makes you very drained.
My spirit seemed broken, my will is weak and my faith is challenged. I have been praying very hard and frequently for strength, comfort, faith and hope that all these symptoms will vanish and I can enjoy time with my beanies.
Friday, 21 February 2014
Pokey Day 25: Doc review after 8 days of Lucrin + Puregon + Saizen
It was very crowded at the IVF clinic this morning. The whole session took more than 4 hours for the scan, the doctor's visit, collection of medicine and briefing by the nurse. The scan results seem to be good, as advised by the doctor:
I also made a visit to my TCM doc, to help prepare for the IVF. The pulse is ok, still strong but a little anxious. There is little that she can do for me except to prescribe me me some medicine to get rid of gas in the body and a session of ba-guan to remove the wind.
- Lining - 10mm triple
- Left ovary (13 eggs) - 16, 17, 16.5, 14, 17, 12, 15.5, 15, 12.5, 14.5, 14, 9, 9.5
- Right ovary (12 eggs) - 21.5, 16.5, 14, 15.5, 15.5, 13.5, 14.5, 12, 9.5, 8.5, 6, 6
And it is confirmed - trigger shot will be on Saturday and egg retrieval on Monday. And I have stocked up my serial collection which will be my distraction during my 2ww.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Pokey Day 24: Doc review after 7 days of Lucrin + Puregon + Saizen
I am losing count on the number days of pokey, but I am not immune to the pain and the fear of the jabs. This morning, I went to the IVF clinic for the 1st scan. Somehow I was very nervous and my heart was kinda beating fast. Honestly, I don't know what I am worried or anxious about. Hahaha!
Anyway, here's the result at Day 8:
I really hope that this time, the egg quality will significantly improve *Fingers crossed*
Anyway, here's the result at Day 8:
- Lining - 8.9mm triple
- Left ovary (11 eggs) - 13, 12.5, 12.5, 9, 12.5, 13.5, 12.5, 15, 10.5, 9.5, 9
- Right ovary (10 eggs) - 15, 12, 13, 18, 13, 13, 11, 11, 8.5, 8.5
I really hope that this time, the egg quality will significantly improve *Fingers crossed*
Thursday, 13 February 2014
Pokey Day 17: Start of Phrase 2 Lucrin + Puregon + Saizen
The strawberry monster is officially here. This morning, we added Puregon and Saizen into the jab routine, making it a total of 3 jabs every morning. Lucrin jab on one side of the tummy and Puregon and Saizen on the other.
After the jabs, the tummy had a pulling sensation. It is not something that handicaps you, just a bruising feeling whenever you try to exert strength.
With so many injections and my pre-existing PCOS condition, I think I am gonna have a really bad bout of OHSS. Well, the doctor did warn me and I agreed to take the risk for the sake of getting more and better quality fertilized eggs. Let's hope it is all worth it.
KUDOS to my personal nurse, which is nonetheless than my mother. She has to learn how to administer the various jabs cos there is no way I can bring myself to self-inject. Here's a brief summary of the various instructions:
After the jabs, the tummy had a pulling sensation. It is not something that handicaps you, just a bruising feeling whenever you try to exert strength.
With so many injections and my pre-existing PCOS condition, I think I am gonna have a really bad bout of OHSS. Well, the doctor did warn me and I agreed to take the risk for the sake of getting more and better quality fertilized eggs. Let's hope it is all worth it.
- Lucrin jabs (10units) - Provided with 32 syringes and one bottle of medicine. Each syringe comes with an attached needle. Just insert into the bottle, extract the needed amount of medicine and inject.
- Puregon (200units) - Provided with a Puregon pen, two vials of medicine and 12 needles. Insert vial and needle in the pen, set the needed measurement using the dial at the end of the pen and inject.
- Saizen (5units) - Provided with 4 boxes of medicine, 8 syringes, 8 big needles and 8 small needles. Each box contains a bottle of powder and a bottle of solvent. Attach big needle to syringe. Use syringe to extract solvent and inject into the bottle of powder. Stir bottle gently to mix the contents. Use the same syringe to extract the needed amount of medicine. Replace big needle with small needle and inject.
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
Pokey Day 16: Review at clinic for Lucrin phrase 1
Time for our review at the IVF clinic. I was elated to find a little strawberry jam this morning. Never felt happier to start the day this way. At the clinic, the scan and blood test seemed to be in order, or rather the nurses didn't advise otherwise. The lining is at 6.6mm (which I feel was a little thin). I guess no news is good news.
As the strawberry jam was a little sparodic, it can't be considered a full flow. The nurse advised me to come to the clinic again tomorrow morning. If there is a full flow, we will be starting stimulation jabs! If it continues to trickle, it would be another week of Lucrin.
And so, it all depends on tomorrow.
As the strawberry jam was a little sparodic, it can't be considered a full flow. The nurse advised me to come to the clinic again tomorrow morning. If there is a full flow, we will be starting stimulation jabs! If it continues to trickle, it would be another week of Lucrin.
And so, it all depends on tomorrow.
Monday, 10 February 2014
So.. How are you spending your No Pay Leave?
Actually, I don't know. The days just whizzed past, possibly because of the festivities. Doing a rough count, these are the statistics!
My No-Pay Leave KPIs
But he is right. I did proudly proclaim that I will get some exercise into my daily routine and I have only done it once so far. And I have to ridiculously sprain my left foot last evening. It was just silly. I was sitting on my sofa cross-legged and the next thing I know, there was a sharp pain on my left foot. Now it aches with every step, and when I try to tilt my foot forward, backward and side-to-side. So much for trying to climb some stairs today.
On a side note, I quite enjoyed the sermon yesterday. It reminds us that we should try to be joyful.
- Total no. of weekdays on no-pay leave (as at 10 Feb - 38 days
- No. of weekdays I am overseas - 12 days
- No. of public holidays that fall on weekdays - 4.5 days
- No. of weekdays where I have appointments/gatherings - 14.5 days
- No. of weekdays where I am fully at home - 7 days
My No-Pay Leave KPIs
But he is right. I did proudly proclaim that I will get some exercise into my daily routine and I have only done it once so far. And I have to ridiculously sprain my left foot last evening. It was just silly. I was sitting on my sofa cross-legged and the next thing I know, there was a sharp pain on my left foot. Now it aches with every step, and when I try to tilt my foot forward, backward and side-to-side. So much for trying to climb some stairs today.
On a side note, I quite enjoyed the sermon yesterday. It reminds us that we should try to be joyful.
- Rejoice during our trials because the test of our faith produces patience
- Be joyful even though we are in lack and try not to compare, envy, grumble or blame
- Remember that we may weep in the night but joy will surely come in the morning
- Run the race of life with joy and endurance
Symptoms of Lucrin Phrase 1
The good news is that I don't have much side effects from the Lucrin jabs. Occasionally I do experience some achy bones, which I would quickly down a full cup of ginger + red date + longan drink. I don't know if it is psychologically but I feel that it helps.
From Pokey Day 8 onwards, I started to feel some tenderness and fullness of the bust. I hope these are signs that my period is coming. If period doesn't come by Pokey Day 15, I would have to continue with more Lucrin jabs.
Pokey Day 10 onwards, I started to feel that there is an occasional tinge of cramp, like once or twice a day. And yes, some days the body aching just seemed to get worse, especially in the night.
Today is Pokey Day 13. I think there is a very high chance that the period of Lucrin jabs would need to be extended which means more bruising at the tummy.
From Pokey Day 8 onwards, I started to feel some tenderness and fullness of the bust. I hope these are signs that my period is coming. If period doesn't come by Pokey Day 15, I would have to continue with more Lucrin jabs.
Pokey Day 10 onwards, I started to feel that there is an occasional tinge of cramp, like once or twice a day. And yes, some days the body aching just seemed to get worse, especially in the night.
Today is Pokey Day 13. I think there is a very high chance that the period of Lucrin jabs would need to be extended which means more bruising at the tummy.
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
An ode to all mothers-wannabes
I never thought much about motherhood. To me, it is something that would come naturally when the time is ripe. But never in my wildest dream did I realise that it could be hard.
And this is not just about me but for all those whom I have known in my IVF journey. I have come across many women of steel. How we continue to protect our dreams of having children despite the challenges and repeated bad news that come our way. It is as if our dreams are built on sand and the waves would just keep coming to wash them away.
And some of us have it harder; to have succeeded and lost. When that happens, all we can do is to accept the brutality and move on. For me, my bad news came on my birthday and I will never see my birthday in the same light again. It is a process that you sincerely and deeply wish that it would never happen to anyone else.
You will never know why but we must continue to put our faith in God's plan. And we will continue to muster every bit of our body to believe that it is for the best of us. And we know that we must not to lose hope, because it is all that we have.
Every day, I pray for strength, I pray for faith and I pray for hope. We must continue to rebuild our sandcastles. Maybe one day, we could bring our kids to build the real sandcastles at the beach. Until then, we just have to find the joy of building our sandcastles on our own.
And this is not just about me but for all those whom I have known in my IVF journey. I have come across many women of steel. How we continue to protect our dreams of having children despite the challenges and repeated bad news that come our way. It is as if our dreams are built on sand and the waves would just keep coming to wash them away.
And some of us have it harder; to have succeeded and lost. When that happens, all we can do is to accept the brutality and move on. For me, my bad news came on my birthday and I will never see my birthday in the same light again. It is a process that you sincerely and deeply wish that it would never happen to anyone else.
You will never know why but we must continue to put our faith in God's plan. And we will continue to muster every bit of our body to believe that it is for the best of us. And we know that we must not to lose hope, because it is all that we have.
Every day, I pray for strength, I pray for faith and I pray for hope. We must continue to rebuild our sandcastles. Maybe one day, we could bring our kids to build the real sandcastles at the beach. Until then, we just have to find the joy of building our sandcastles on our own.
Thursday, 30 January 2014
Pokey has started - Lucrin phrase 1
I am totally in love with my no-pay leave. It is the best decision that I have made. My pace of life has slowed down and I am spending more time appreciating things around me and enjoying the present moment. Surprisingly my days are quite packed, possibly because of the year-end festivities and my 2-week holidays. And now it is chinese new year preparations!
I am still seeing my TCM doctor and my pulse has consistently strengthened since I stopped work. I even joked with her that I am allergic to work =) Well, I am getting more sleep and rest. I feel more at peace with myself. I don't control my diet that much these days, having a coke once every 3 days. However, I am drinking more ginger+red date+longan drink. I got those from Taiwan which supposedly has very good ginger =P
2 days ago, I started my Lucrin injections and it will last for 2 weeks before my next appointment in mid-Feb. Walking down the dull coridoor of the IVF centre instilled a sense of fear and uncertainty in me. I am definitely not looking forward to the daily jabs, the operation and the more intense bout of OHSS. But whatever will be will be. It is all in God's hands and his plans for me.
On a separate note, thankfully I don't have strong side effects from the Lucrin jabs. I do get a bit of bone aches but nothing serious.
I am still seeing my TCM doctor and my pulse has consistently strengthened since I stopped work. I even joked with her that I am allergic to work =) Well, I am getting more sleep and rest. I feel more at peace with myself. I don't control my diet that much these days, having a coke once every 3 days. However, I am drinking more ginger+red date+longan drink. I got those from Taiwan which supposedly has very good ginger =P
2 days ago, I started my Lucrin injections and it will last for 2 weeks before my next appointment in mid-Feb. Walking down the dull coridoor of the IVF centre instilled a sense of fear and uncertainty in me. I am definitely not looking forward to the daily jabs, the operation and the more intense bout of OHSS. But whatever will be will be. It is all in God's hands and his plans for me.
On a separate note, thankfully I don't have strong side effects from the Lucrin jabs. I do get a bit of bone aches but nothing serious.
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Long protocol going on as planned!
I was feeling a little unsettled knowing that my long protocol was likely to start during CNY. I decided to call the clinic to find out their plans for me. It turns out that CNY would not affect my plans. As this is the long protocol, scans are not needed before the jabs. I could pop down to the clinic a few days earlier to get the medicine and start jabbing even if it was CNY. Hooray! This is truly a blessing! I cannot imagine if the plans are delayed for another few months.
It has been more than 2 weeks since I have started my no-pay leave. Actually, today is the first day that I am staying at home. It has been super packed with christmas shopping, gatherings, day-trips to JB and Batam. I am totally loving this. Next is my trip to Taipei and Hong Kong and I would be on the plane in less than 72 hours. Can't wait!!!
It is gonna be a fabulous 2014 because I have God with me. With or without children, I am complete because of him. A child will surely be a gift that elates us, but I have faith in his plans. He knows the best for me.
It has been more than 2 weeks since I have started my no-pay leave. Actually, today is the first day that I am staying at home. It has been super packed with christmas shopping, gatherings, day-trips to JB and Batam. I am totally loving this. Next is my trip to Taipei and Hong Kong and I would be on the plane in less than 72 hours. Can't wait!!!
It is gonna be a fabulous 2014 because I have God with me. With or without children, I am complete because of him. A child will surely be a gift that elates us, but I have faith in his plans. He knows the best for me.
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